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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

5 years of blame. Will it ever end?

15 replies

QuintessentialShadows · 12/09/2012 15:47

We both agreed moving to Norway for some time would be good. Well, in all fairness, it was for me mostly, to look after my parents and get their situation sorted, get wrap around care for my dad to live at home, and get my mum diagnosed and in turn moved into a nursing home. Dh thought, "what the heck, it will be fine, an experience". We run our own company and naively thought we could continue working from Norway, for a uk based company.

We thought we would stay in Norway for good, and embarked on a self build. This was stressful, but fine. The problems occurred after we moved in around Christmas, 9 months after departing from the UK, and discovered the following summer problems with the drainage and ground works around the house.

We spent three years in Norway, and in this time we offloaded my finance related work to somebody else so I got less involved with our business. My parents became a handful, and I were running around like a rabbit trying to sort their care, against their wishes. My oldest son was bullied in school, and did not settle well in school, and did not make many friends outside school. We had let our London house, which was vandalized and caused us headaches stress, money and extra work. Business was not thriving due to our absence. We got into problems with the Norwegian tax authorities due to company, and were advised to open a subsidiary as this would help, crap advice. It did not help, it caused more stress and confusion as I had even more and complicated tax issues to deal with.

So, three years in we returned to the uk, and we have lived here for one year. First in a temporary rental for one week. Then 10 months in a rented house. We had all the paperwork to deal with in terms of moving TO Norway, and moving OUT of Norway, and settling into the renal property, all the hassle of having to do work to the house we own prior to moving in again, and all the admin related to gas, council tax, electricity, insurance, etc. Now I am also busy looking into secondary school options for our oldest son. I have still not got my head properly around to our business, as we are busy settling having spent a month in Norway for holidays with my parents.

My desk is surrounded by mountains of paperwork. All related to house move, bills,final bills from previous house, council tax, water, tv license, starting school again, looking for secondary schools, after school clubs, accounting for the business, and what not.

I cannot complain, I cannot moan about having too much to do, being stressed, feeling overwhelmed, because dh just snaps "Well, it is all because we moved to Norway". That has become his stock reply. I feel like a machine. Like I should be a well oiled machine to deal with all this, but I am not, and I am buckling.

But all I get from him is: "It is because we moved to Norway"

It has been like that for 5 years now, and I dont know how much longer I can take it. The blame is killing me. Yes, it was a mistake to uproot and go. But I think I have paid a very high price, and to keep blaming me is not fair.

He had three years of never cooking (he could not understand the instructions, well that was his excuse), not going to any parents meetings, not being involved in anything school or sports related, and I felt overworked, and he said: "It will be different when we move back to the UK again, as at least I can make phone calls and help with sorting things". Well, that has not happened. He still let me do everything, while he just focuses on work, the kids, and leisure. I have the shit of mundane everyday life. He gets up in the morning, gets to work, takes lunch break, works till around 6 pm, kids go to bed around 8. And he manages to go for runs and bike rids, spinning sessions in the gym. And I am stuck trying to do admin, whether family or work related admin.

He says: "But you are not really working full time right now anyway". And I want to scream because my workload is getting bigger and bigger while I am not able to deal with it, because I dont have proper work space set up, I am working from my living room which is the make shift storage room, with excess furniture, I cant access my folders, because there is stuff crammed right up against my shelves. And while I am sorting house admin, I cant get on with my actual work.

"It is because you spent a month in Norway for Holiday"

or

"It would not be like this if we had not left the UK"

I have tried telling him that he is ruining our marriage with this blame, that I cannot live like this, and that if we shall have any chance of getting this behind us, we need to work together, and not shift all blame, responsibility and workload in relation to it, to me. He agrees, but then, he goes off on one again.

Like now, just because I asked him to sort out the tax disc. He started ranting again, because our insurance quote came up £150 more expensive with our new address details. He was angry that I paid. I checked online at the same time, and other insurers came up with similar prices.

It is so easy for him. Shift responsibility for things to me, then be annoyed if it is not to his liking. I am hurt and pissed off. Sad

I dont want to get divorced. I just dont want to live with this blame any more.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 12/09/2012 16:02

Would you consider counselling? Would he agree to it?

olgaga · 12/09/2012 16:04

Well I suppose you could try counselling, but if he won't stop blaming you your marriage is only going to last as long as you want it to.

Sorry I can't be more helpful. It sounds horrendous.

AnyFucker · 12/09/2012 16:08

Your life sounds utterly chaotic, not helped by you being married to an arse

Sorry, I expect you just wanted a bit of a rant but if he won't help you and makes you feel worse in this way, am not sure where you do go from here.

QuintessentialShadows · 12/09/2012 16:20

It is utterly chaotic. We are trying to get back on track!

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 12/09/2012 16:22

Take a deep breath. Sounds like you need it. Step away from the work a mo and get some perspective if you can. Your H sounds like he is passive aggressive. He went along with the move did he not? He has to accept some responsibility and in any case, there is a lot to be learnt from things that don't work out.
I'm guessing he did not get involved in Norway due to language barrier but I also wonder if he did his fair share before you went? I also wonder how he spent his free time whilst he was over there? It appears he may have got used to you doing everything so a little retraining of him is required.
I'd select the jobs that you feel are as much, if not more, his responsibility - those are the ones that you don't do. Tell him you are busy and can't do certain tasks then delegate them to him. If he still doesn't do them, that's HIS fault then. It's hard but try to remain calm about stuff not getting done for a while. The only way to stop him taking you for granted and realise how much you do is to stop doing so he has to - hold out as long as you can on this ;-)

AnyFucker · 12/09/2012 16:22

YOU are trying to get back on track. He is making it more difficult.

squeakytoy · 12/09/2012 16:26

spend a day sorting out paperwork into two piles.. house admin and business admin..

tell him that you will have a pile each to deal with..

The company is run by both of you, so tell him to get off his bike and deal with the paperwork..

ChitchatAtHome · 12/09/2012 16:32

Oh you poor thing. I think you need to come back with another type of stock standard answer

DH - 'It is because we moved to Norway'

You - 'We BOTH moved to Norway!'

Do NOT take the blame - he was willing to move too.

Hope you get yourself sorted soon.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 12/09/2012 17:11

Hats off to you for dealing with so much!

Resist blame: both vocally to him, and in your own heart of hearts.

And do continue to expect him to pull his weight re: admin. This is not your cross to bear - at least not on your own.

QuintessentialShadows · 12/09/2012 18:04

He is home after taking the children to their swimming lessons, he has aplogized for his outburst.

However, it does not change the fact that I feel like the Family Emotional Rubbish Bin.

OP posts:
StandYourGround · 12/09/2012 18:10

I remember many of your previous threads Quint, especially about your sone and the bullying and all the difficulties with your parents - and I think you are amazing. Amazing and knackered, yes, and I'm not surprised you feel ready to collapse.

Absolutely agree with 'We BOTH moved to Norway!' and splitting the paperwork into 2 piles, or 2 piles of piles anyway...

I tend to do the easier household paperwork, like the car tax (online) and water and council tax bills (also online) but I make sure that I moan mention in passing what a pain in the arse they are to sort... thereby earning myself points for when I need to sling something really difficult his way.

spookytoo · 12/09/2012 18:25

Dealing with elderly parents is awful ime, usually it is impossible to please them, especially if they are in denial of their age and infirmities, and you are landed with huge guilt. You would have had to see to them even if you didn't move to Norway you would have had to visit often which would have caused upheaval at home.

Decide on the priority just now, which is probably finding a secondary school, and tell DH that as you are doing that you cannot do this this and this the other thankless stuff and he must do it or, get him to look for school (though you might not trust him to do that well) whilst you get on with the other stuff.

But possibly the most important thing is to find some time for you. Maybe just an evening a week, or an afternoon at the weekend when you do something you enjoy and can put all this stress to one side. Just to remind yourself that there IS life not just endless chores.

solittletimeandsomuchtodo · 12/09/2012 18:51

Feeling your pain.
Similiar to parts of your story (but not all of it)
Is the business salvageable? Interested to hear more about why it didn't work with you os (considering this scenario at the moment)

QuintessentialShadows · 13/09/2012 11:20

Thanks for the kind words.

Dh is working away today. I cannot get off mumsnet. The list of things to do is too long right now, and I cant seem to get started.

Maybe I should start with folding laundry, hanging out a new load and putting another wash on? At least then I can feel that I have DONE something.
Iron the curtains for the boys room and hang? (and return the second pair I ordered by mistake to Next and go to the post office)

Or pay the parking ticket I got today during my Y6 meeting at school. They are pushing through to put forward a bunch of kids for Level 6, so it will be a busy school year. Do you know what happens if you get a parking ticket and your tax disc has expired??? Sad

So list today:
Pay parking ticket
Change address online with dvla
pay sorn online
laundry
curtains
utility bills.
Register for chosen secondary schools.

I better get the move on.

solittle heaps of problems, most related to bad advice in Norway, and dual taxation issues, along with issues relating to the uk tax year running differently than the Norwegian one. In addition, not knowing how things worked in Norway from a tax, accounting and reporting perspective, we ran into difficulties. We were not prepared for how different things were, and nobody could tell us. Pm me if you have specific questions or want to ask anything especially in detail.

OP posts:
StandYourGround · 13/09/2012 21:36

It's really, really, not your fault Quint. It's a shower of shite that no-one could have predicted - well maybe I could, I'm a tarot card reader Grin

I think it's an amazing thing to have done something as brave as move country - I'm a bit envious...

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