New baby, marriage crap

[feellost]

I have a 5 month DD and my marriage just feels terrible. I find my H so annoying and want to fight with him all the time. He is just so irritating! I don't know what to do. He expects the house to be clean and tidy but I spend all my time looking after the baby (and I hate cleaning up after him as he drops everything on the floor like I'm the maid!).

I don't want to go back to work but I find being at home stressful and quite depressing. I go to mum & baby groups but it's a lot of effort to be smiley and friendly and when I get home I feel tired and empty. I feel ungrateful because I should be enjoying every moment with DD - lots of people have to go back to work sooner so I should love being at home but I find a lot of it tiring and hard work. I worry that I will never be happy if I didn't like being at work and I don't like being at home either!

Sorry for moaning but does anyone have any tips?

I'm sorry you're feeling like this, but I think you need to be a bit kinder to yourself. I have no advice on the marriage, only did you feel like this pre baby or do you think baby stress is adding to how you are feeling.

However your thoughts on work ring a very real note with me. Everything you said is how I felt, but I have learnt this, it does not make you ungrateful to not want to spend every minute with your child. The first year I found a struggle it is very time and labour intensive. I decided to go back to work semi part time (I do my full time hours in less days) and this is good for me as I work four days and spen three with my DD. I couldn't face the prospect of staying at home with DD full time.

When your DD is older you will feel different, when they are more interactive and you get more back IME makes it a hell of a lot easier (DD is 2 now). Things change all the time, try and enjoy it now and think about the future when it comes.

Why is he moaning about hte house? is he actually doing this or are you just feeling tht he is unhappy about it? because that is a crucial difference

You've got two issues here: New baby adjustment, and husband being an idiot.

Feeling tired, irritable and unfulfilled is perfectly normal after having a baby. It is a massive life adjustment and does settle down eventually.

Having a H who thinks it is your job to pick up his things from the floor is a far more serious issue. Even if as a SAHM you choose to take on the bulk of the domestic chores, that does NOT and SHOULD NEVER equate to being treated like a personal maid. You are his WIFE, a partner, someone to be loved and cherished and someone who has just borne him a child, is suffering from mass sleep deprivation and who should be afforded the natural respect and consideration worthy because of this.

I completely understand what you are talking about. I'm currently on maternity leave with DD.. Already have 22mth DS but was working full time before having DD. I felt awful when I went back when DS was about 7 months. I hated leaving him and felt I was missing out on being with him but honestly once I was back I felt me again. I was bloody tired & found juggling house work, baby and work challenging but it was worth it to have my own money & do something that involved 'just me'. I'm due to go back part time and am already dreading it but know I'll be fine when I'm back. DH does not realise what it's like at home. Hence they just leave mess and think it magically flies to its home. We argue quite a lot at moment & he drives me bonkers at times too. But im sure it's due to tiredness, money worries & just babies.

Oh and ps.....I go to baby groups and smile a lot!!

Thanks for your replies - it makes me feel much better just to know I'm not completely ridiculous for feeling this way!

Job-wise, I am really struggling with this as I have always been independent (financially too) and now I feel my life is very repetitive and my H uses money as a form of control - I had to ask him about 30 times for money this month (I didn't ask for anything for the first 5 months but now I need it as I'm only on SMP) and I hate the fact he wants to control how I spend it. He has already allocated my entire salary (when i go back to work) for things like the mortgage and childcare, so apparently I will only have what he deigns to give me (whilst deciding how he spends his own money). This is depressing me too - I don't want to leave my baby in nursery so I can earn money for him to spend for me whilst keeping total control over his own!

I would also need to get a job working from home as the commute would be massive now that we've moved. It's just overwhelming to think about it, I guess - will probably be ok when I bite the bullet and start looking.

H has always been really messy and I've gone through phases of cleaning up, then not bothering hoping he would care and do it himself (he didn't), then cleaning up again etc. It really annoyed me a few days ago when he complained I shouldn't be doing DIY (just took it up for something to do) when I should be hoovering the floor instead! Bear in mind the carpet is full of dirt because he INSISTS on wearing his shoes indoors and walking mud around the house. Passive-aggressively refuses to do anything I ask him to then accuses me of nagging.

Massive dramatic SIGH!

oh honey, im really sorry but this man sounds awful - he is not just using the finances to control you, he is using it to abuse you - how very dare he decide how you are going to spend the money YOU earn yet not have to do the same with his. That is just outragous and im sorry but this is a major red flag and id be very seriously considering my position if i were you.

I know - it's not right, is it?! He also acts like he's doing me a massive favour when he looks after the baby as he has to go out to work, the implication being I sit on my bum all day eating custard creams and watching America's Next Top Model!

Not sure what my options are when I have a 5 month old baby, though.

I agree with Dahlen, there are 2 issues here that might be difficult for you to separate right now.

I didn't find maternity leave at all fulfilling, I went back to work when DD was 9months and I was soooo much happier. I wish I had gone back earlier as I was actually pretty miserable for the last few months of it, and felt guilty because I was supposed to be enjoying it.

I also had issues with DH not pulling his weight because he thought that if I was at home, I should be doing all chores/cooking etc. whereas we used to share them. I think we both thought we had the harder life. In fact it was tough on both, and we ended up in a silly "my life is harder then yours" battle. It took a big effort from us both to redraw how our relationship worked.

HTH

You have lots of options, one of them being not bringing your baby up in an unhappy home where her father abuses her mother. Im not saying you have to leave, but you need to start standing up for yourself. We can all feel shite and put upon when are at home with the baby, it feels like we never have a break, but he is behaving atrociously. Have you ever had a conversation about the money thing?

We are really hard up, i dont earn just now (despite dd bein at school) but the money is ours - the only reason i tend to ask for money is because i stick my head in the sand re finances and leave it to DP, but that is MY choice. If the money is available, its just a case of "i need X" he will say OK, he might ask me what i want it for, but jut out of interest, if that makes sense. We have also had a conversation about what we will do when im earning (please god it will be soon) and allocating funds, as mine woudl be a regular wage i have said id pay direct debits and the rest of the money, and his money becomes OURS to spend/save. That is very very different to what you describe.

Things are going to have to change, you know this - stand up, now and tell him what YOU want, and what you wont accept. If he can't suck that up, then im sorry but i think you have a difficult decision to make

you will feel better if you get out, honestly.
Tell your DH that from now on he will need to take adult responsibility for his own things.

I told him it was unfair that my entire salary would be allocated whilst he got to decide how he spent his. His response was 'well if you want money you'll have to earn more'.

I feel we just go round and round in circles over the same issues and I'm accused of causing trouble / starting fights because they aren't resolved

Do you love him? im not sure i could respect a man that treated me like that :(

WHY does he think it is ok to treat you like that?

I don't know how I feel at the moment. Teething baby certainly doesn't help.

I have to go out now so if i don't reply for a bit, that's why.

Thanks for all your help - it makes me feel a lot better just to be able to talk about it x

Sorry, I posted before I saw your second post describing your H's attitude regarding finances. That is pretty awful, and very controlling. Not sure if I have anything helpful to say about it though, sorry. I just know I could never put up with that myself. Shared finances, shared responsibilities, or each keeps their own and contributes equally to bills etc. They are the only fair ways IMHO.

He's acting as if DD is your child alone. He needs to wake up to his responsibilities. I had a crap time with now ex-P when son was born, he didn't really want to ever be a father, however, we both contributed equally to nursery fees and other bills. The rest we kept ourselves - his spare on beer, fags, football. I saved so I had a fund for when I kicked him out and made CTF contributions for DS :-). HE's very broke and now alcoholic. I'm doing fine, there's justice. The choices we make last on into the future ...

jesus i think i would bloody kill him and bury him under the patio

this is not normal, I hope you are okay x

jesus i think i would bloody kill him and bury him under the patio

It might come to that but I am wondering if DH is just sort of floundering around wondering where he comes into this new setup with baby. Was he always this ignorant and selfish?

What you would hope is that a new father would be falling over himself to be useful at home , desperate to make a secure financial arrangement for his new family and worshipping his exhausted DW now she is a mother.

Somehow, OP, you have got the opposite of that but because he is being sooo extreme and unhelpful I wonder if he is just v jealous of your new baby and the closeness that you both have and doesn't feel part of this, and also, because he isn't part of it, rather than contribute financially can just see it all as a big long term burden on his 'fun' hence his ridiculous suggestions for finances.I would expect money to be pooled after DCs arrive.

(Can empathise over being home with new baby, didn't suit me at all. But not sure what the answer is except get out for walks when you can as exercise improves your mood)

He really does sound awful :(

You say 'I have a five month old baby what can I do?'

It may take you a few more weeks/ months to feel strong enough to know you can cope alone. Then you can tackle him, he either shapes up or loses you both.

I think posting here is the first step to facing up to things. You know that you and your baby deserve better. You dont want your baby to grow up thinking this controlling unhappy relationship is normal. Therefore at some point something has to change.

Oh and by the way with my first baby I found maternity leave hard and boring. Thats just fact, I beat myself up about how I 'should' be feeling at the time. Now I accept everyone is different and thats just me. Drop the guilt its just negative and destructive.

Mum and baby groups are just awful IME, real friends are the way forward. If you meet someone you actually like then ask them for their number. All those women sitting smugly going on about how wonderful motherhood is and comparing baby weights gaaahhhh!