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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Threw him out an hour ago

23 replies

sarahsausage · 17/03/2006 18:00

Well..... dp's gone. Can't be bothered with the whole story so here's a short version. He spends all the money leaves nothing for the bills. (well spends his expenses so we have to replace it therefore have nothing).
Nothing i can do about it, I'm a SAHM, money is his as he works his bottom off for the cash and i do nothing. According to him looking after a 2.5 year old and a 15 week old is a piece of cake.
He was given £400 expenses in advance for his job. He works away, gets money for meals etc to be taken out of the £400 and is paid back the week after. He has spent it all. We have replaced 50 quid here 50 quid there for the past 3 months, now we dont have 50 quid here or there to replace it with. Had a row, mainly me talking loudly at him, him completely ignoring me. Asked him to talk to me but he said no. Asked him to leave and he left. Just like that.
Seems to me like he was waiting for an excuse to leave. Didnt even mention the kids, just left. (dd1 2.5, dd2 15 weeks).
Sat at computer with a bottle of vodka)and a bottle of coke), Mum got kids so left to do nothing but think about it.
I wanna knock some sense into him Angry

OP posts:
SPARKLER1 · 17/03/2006 18:04

Hi - sounds like he needs to sort himself out bigtime. Are your kids with your mum for the night? Do you have any friends nearly that you can be with for company? You say you have the vodka bottle out so I really feel that a friend's company would be good right now.
Hope things sort themselves out soon.

fransmom · 22/03/2006 22:11

hi sarahsausage hows u today? can't say much at mo, as on way to bed. hope you ok ((((hugs)))

Original poster
sarahsausage · 23/03/2006 10:45

Hiya thanks for the relpies, things arent too good. I didnt really want him to go, things had been strained for a while.

We talked later fiday night and he said he didn't want to be together any more and that he doesnt have feelings for me. No chance of getting back together according to him.

I'm in bits, i never thought he would leave. Sad

OP posts:
emmawill · 23/03/2006 10:57

Oh sarahsausage firstly big hugs coming your way. Life seems very poo for you at the moment break ups are horrible but when you've got two little ones, I think I would feel very scared, but if things weren't going so well maybe its for the best. Do you have friends and family to rally round after you? Does your dp want to try and work at least being friends so he can help with the kids?

Thinking of you Smile

niceglasses · 23/03/2006 10:57

Hi Sarah, just wanted you to know someone here. Do you really think it is all over? My and my dh have lots of money problems but I think we can make it cos we still love each other - are there other things going on do you rhink??

Lots of love

harrisey · 23/03/2006 11:47

sarah just wanted to send you abig ((hug)). No idea what you are going through but wanted you to know you are not alone, there are people here for you.
Please post as much as you needto to help you through this hard time, love harrisey xxx

emmawill · 24/03/2006 12:15

Hi Sarah, how are you doing? Hope your OK? We thinking of you. Smile

fransmom · 28/03/2006 22:03

hows u sarah? Smile

Original poster
sarahsausage · 31/03/2006 00:28

Hiya, thanks for the msgs.

Not doing too good. Its not just the money problems things havent been right for a long while. Arguments etc. He changed when i had my first dd, things were never right after that. We were hapy for a while as a family but not with each other.

We were trying to be friends but i just can't stand the sight of him most of the time. He had me blaming myself for him leaving, like i was such a bad person and drove him away, when really the only reason i did so is because he lied, i couldnt trust him and was more interested in the bloody computer or the car than me and the kids.

Now he wants to see the kids but only when he feels like it or when i ask him if he wants to. He wouldn't be able to cope with them both on his own anyways. He wants his freedom, his job, his car his money, and his kids as and when it suits.

I'm so bitter! He gets his life and i'm stuck with the kids. I love my girls to bits and wouldnt change them for the world but resent the fact he can do as he pleases and i have to think of my girls before i can even breathe. Selfish i know but i can't help it.

Oh well, time for bed!

OP posts:
quanglewangle · 31/03/2006 00:44

Hi Sarah, you sound incredibly well balanced and calm. I am sure whatever you do will be well thought through, not a knee jerk reaction.
Good luck, it can't be easy.
xx Smile

MeerkatsUnite · 31/03/2006 06:57

Sarah,

Have you sought any legal advice?. I would advise you to do so if you have not done so to date.

Would you consider having contact arrangements formalised on a legal basis (so he sees them with supervised access) so he doesn't keep mucking them and you about?. It is not fair on his children to only see them "when he feels like it". They are his responsibility as well even though you and he are no longer together.

Presumably as well he is paying maintenance for his daughters.

Your ex sounds like a particularly selfish and manipulative individual.

nicolajc · 31/03/2006 08:00

Hello sarahsausage
just wanted you to know you are not on oyur own when my ds was 8 weeks i left my partner as he had no intrest in our ds or me for about a month he partied hard then it hit him like a ton of bricks what had happened we talked it through and i found out the reason why he was so nasty to us was that he felt left out of the new family i was obsessed with newborn and had no time for him in the end we have managed things out and the 3 of us are very happy now.

what im trying to say is i can really feel what you are going through as when he was out socialisng I was the 1 stuck at home, and at the time he was paying me money for our ds but i woulnt push it on him to see him as i didnt want him to have false feelings for our son and i couldnt picture it years to come me with another man and my ex being a part of that picture i then just wanted him out of our lives.

you know you have done the right thing by you and your children and if he comes to his senses that is brilliant im really happy for you but if not its his loss not yours as it will be you who sees your baby taking their first steps, saying their first words itwill be you they want when they fall over and hurt them selfs and moments like that are precious money cant buy moments like that just try to think of all these things YOU have got to look forward to.

sorry for rambling on big hugs to you and your children my thoughts are with you nicolajc xx

Original poster
sarahsausage · 05/04/2006 07:45

I just found out he was cheating on me.

That would be why he didnt even put up a fight when i asked him to leave.

I was just starting to feel better and now i am worse than when it all started.

I am very bitter and have told him he can't see my dd's. He was never interested in dd2 ( 4 months) and he hasn't been interested in dd1 (2.5) for nearly 12 months so they won't miss him. All he ever did was shout at her. My girls are what i live for, to him they are an expense and an iconvenience and he has practically said as much. I dont want them spending time with someone who sees them like that.

OP posts:
redbull · 05/04/2006 08:32

oh sarahsausage ifeel so Angry for you what a complete and utter w*a,t*s head and piece of s*t
Well it sounds to me as if you are better off with out him all of you and take him for what you can bleed him dryGrin

anniemac · 05/04/2006 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mistressmiggins · 05/04/2006 20:22

I 2nd anniemac
This happened to me - my ex was having an affair last year, I caught him out (finally), I tried (he didnt) and 8 weeks later I asked him to move out.
5 mths later he is about to move into his SECOND house with this woman

BUT i have NOT restricted access - I want to be able to stand infront of my children in 20 yrs time & say "I did my best"

it is really hard and I do feel for you but agree with anniemac - let him see them - arrange contact & stick to it.
You can control who else sees them so tell him its him only BECAUSE it will confuse the children to begin with

remember its all about the children & not you - I mean, when you talk to your H, thats the line you should take if you see what I mean

CAT me if you want to chat wihtout it being on the internet!!

fransmom · 05/04/2006 21:38

oh sarah i am so Sad and dismayed for you. he does sound a proper git, i can't really say what i think of him i might get chucked off!

honestly sarah, i agree with both mm and am, though it might hurt you for us to say so(but i think i speaking for mm and am as well, when i say we don't meant to) with the best of intentions and your feelings at heart and mind Smile my instinct is for you not to ban him completely from seeing your children, but to arrange contact, possibly supervised, through your solicitor. if it does come to applying for full custody, this might be better for you and your children in the long run if the courts can see that you tried to arrange contact visits.

lots of ((((((((((hugs))))))))) for you and your children love from fm x

mistressmiggins · 06/04/2006 06:15

just wanted to add, Im not as strong & cold as I sound
I cried hysterically at work yesterday cos my H told me he wanted to start having the children at his new love nest
the thought of them playing happy famnilies when he couldnt be bothered with me makes me feel sick

BUT I know I have to at least pretend to be OK with it otherwise the children will pick up on it and be anxious and they do love their dad

it is sh#t though

{{{{hugs}}}}

anniemac · 06/04/2006 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sarahsausage · 06/04/2006 15:40

I have no intentions of stopping him from seeing the girls completely, i just can't deal with that at the moment. Going to see a solicitor on thursday next week to try and get something sorted for access.

He is moving away, over an hours drive away to be with his "just good friend" so i wanted things sorted for supervised visits, so i can be sure he won't try to keep them (which he has threatened to do). He also threatened me with a custody battle, which he later admitted would be out of spite.

Then he told me he wish he'd never met me and i was the biggest mistake he'd ever made. To be honest, that hurt more than him cheating. But i may be down but by no means am i out. He's the one losing out, and i'm the one who kisses our girls goodnight every night, sees them first thing in the morning when all they want to do is cuddle. Those are the best moments and they're all mine Grin

Sure i'll be crying again in an hour, but at the moment i'm happy, and well rid of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
sarahsausage · 06/04/2006 15:42

And thanks for all your comments.

You know what its like when it happens to you, think you're the only person in the world to go through it, its nice to hear from those of you who came through the other side. Thanks xx

OP posts:
pashmina · 06/04/2006 16:07

you are well rid of him, he doesn't deserve you or your dd's...it will be tough on you but it will get better

big hugs to you and your dd's

fransmom · 08/04/2006 15:31

how are you today sarahsausage? (((((((hugs)))))))

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