I want to divorce - feel guilty about telling him (long-ish)

[ICZim]

I've been thinking of divorcing the DH for a couple of years now. Where do I start? The incessant moaning about money, then I got a job and he's found something else to moan about: housework. The way he calls me incessantly as soon as I tell him I'm out with friends. The lack of sex and of any affection; I've tried coming onto him but I've been re-buffed many times I've given up. I've thought about having an affair but don't have the energy for such things and my thinking is, if I'm gonna have an affair, then things are not fine. And then, there's the constant putting down.

I spoke to him three years ago about his behaviour; he made an attempt at changing but nothing came of it. About 6 months ago, I told him the situation was bad. I suggested Relate, counselling; I even offered to pay for the sessions; he said no, he doesn't talk to people outside. He's doing that thing of changing: so no more moaning about the housework although he slips sometimes. In my mind, I think "how can someone change if they don't know why they're changing?"

I don't want to waste my life - I want children, he doesn't. He resents my studying even though he will never admit it. I'm looking at places cos I wanna move at the end of this month. I told him last month I was sick and tired of sounding like a broken record and since he doesn't like any of my suggestion to sort out the marriage, he should bring his. Nothing has been forthcoming. Anyway, since I've shut up about the state of our marriage, he thinks all is well. So imagine his shock when I find somewhere and I piss off at the end of the month, after telling him I want a divorce...

How do you tell someone you want to divorce them? In a way, I wish he'd been beating me cos then, it would be clear. Although all of my friends, even the staunchest defender of marriage, have not been surprised at me wanting to divorce him. They've noticed how he puts me down. I know he doesn't mean to; it's just how he is. The thing is I just don't wanna make excuses for him anymore.

Thankfully we don't have children. I deliberately didn't have children with him because I knew that having children would break the marriage up, cos I wouldn't have wanted for my babies to put up with his shit.

This is pretty clear-cut and I don't think he will be that surprised. He sounds horrid and you have a choice to have a nicer life, so I cannot see for the life of me why you would not put both of you out of your misery. The wanting children thing adds an extra impetus to get it sorted.

What are you worried about? Just look for somewhere else to live and you can take care of the formal arrangements as you go along.

If all your friends are telling you to go, it probably is that bad. Good luck.

You have no dc, so it will be easier. Keep telling him why you want a divorce, be like a broken record. Shock makes it difficult to take it in. It will be worth being gentle and truthfull in the long run.

Mumsyblouse, thank you - then he's a complete sh.... if he's not surprised. Because his first marriage ended for this same reason: selfish, selfish and selfish again. And you are right when you say "I have a choice to have a nicer life." It is a choice thing and I wanna make that choice. Thank you

sounds pretty much like my marriage, unfortunaltey there were 4 children in the equation as well.

Life is much better after the divorce, no longer feel like rubbish after being put down all the time, have lost a tonne of weight (over 8 stone!!) and regained myself. Im much more fun to be around, im a better mum to the children as not so stressed about making sure housework is done and tidy. in fact even the house is tidier as without being nagged all the time and being told its rubbish no matter what i did, i feel much more likely to clean and tidy becasue i want to now and not becasue i feel i have to.

It will be hard to tell him, but i should think that there will be a hug sigh of relief once you have gone. I think if i was leaving the house i would pack and take as much as i could to the new place before telling him and leave asap. Quick and clean. You will still need to be in contact for the divorce but means other than the intial answers that you want to give him you wont have to be around for the anger stages and the pity stages. Sounds heartless in a way but better all round for the clean break.

It is tempting to dehumanise someone you don't want to be married to in order to justify to yourself and others why a few years ago you stood infront of others promising undying love. Be honnest, you didn't know him or yourself well enough and you are ashamed, that you made a mistake and you are sorry. Forget demonising the stbex and taking character flaws we all have and publically humiliate him.

Any real friend will get past it.

NeighbourIsStrange, deffo not demonizing him and that is why for a long time, i've been loathe to tell any friend cos I wanted and still want him to defend himself; hence Relate and counselling which he refused.

Daisy, I've already started getting my papers together - they were all in the safe but he changed the combination a while back so under some pretext, I took everything out. I did a big spring clean a while ago, and yeah, basico, as soon as I find a place and enough money (although that wouldn't be too much of an issue), I'll go

You already are character assinating him here.

Admit you found out after you married his previous marriage failed due to a character flaw you were unaware of and since you became aware of this behaviour you realise you can't live with it, no need to say what it is. Accept you made a mistake and leave him be.

I suggest next time you know more about who you marry.

I knew all about him and I'm sure I have character flaws - I'm very human. Mistake is a big word - I didn't make a mistake - should he be willing to grow with me, to take an interest in me, we could have a good marriage. We've together 8 and half years!

There's no strange behaviour apart from what I mentioned in my initial post. Sometimes though, you decide not to be taken for granted anymore, especially when you have tried telling the other person, ad nauseum, that you are not the glorified housekeeper

So you don't make mistakes and knew his history and what he was like before you married. I am not surprised you worry you will have no support from friends.

My advice remains, broken record, truth and be gentle.

Im sorry Neighbour if I made a typo somewhere - I've plenty of support from friends and his family too. But deffo taking your advice on board: broken record is where it's at.

Cheers

A person who puts you down is no kind of partner.

I would guess that you nonetheless feel guilty about telling him you want out for the very same reasons that you stayed in this marriage in the first place: you are conditioned to give your needs less priority than others' feelings.

Time to ditch that belief: you are entitled to want out of any kind of marriage.

All the more so with a person like your DH who likes to assert an imagined superiority over you. I'll even bet that the people you know will be very supportive of your choice. And those who aren't, well, fuck'em: they're not the ones who had to live with his put-downs for so long.

HotDamn, true that "you are conditioned to give your needs less priority than others' feelings." But he's being so nice lately that when I tell him, I'll be made to be the bad one. But I've been trying, he'll whinge. I went to see a GF last Sunday and as soon as he got home (from being with his friends the whole day), the deluge of texts and phone calls started. He's done it before and I've cut short whatever I'd been doing but this time, I said "fuck that", esp as I've suggested to him the need for us to spend time together and do things together and he's always brought out the fact that he is too busy. I finally get home at 10pm and he says "what time do you call this?" Suddenly he wants to have a discussion about the marriage, i.e. he tries, I don't. I told him "I only found out he was spending the whole day out because he'd been talking to a friend about it; he told me I could have checked his diary.

I know I will leave him. I suppose I'm posting to clear my head, or for someone to say it's not that bad for you to want to leave, or maybe for someone to say it's not normal. Fucked-up me?

you find him controlling, you won't have kids with him, you don't want to be with hin so leave or make a go of it, only you can make the decision.

when I tell him, I'll be made to be the bad one.

Yes, you will be. Most definitely. Doesn't matter what kind of a saint you are, with that kind of man it's always your fault. Get used to the idea: you won't get his understanding or his blessing when you tell him you want out.

Doesn't make it any less a good decision, and one that you are entitled to make, on your own and for your own good.

It's not bad to want to leave. He doesn't want sex, doesn't offer affection, doesn't give you support, doesn't care that you are unhappy, doesn't want you spending time with friends (but only if he's at a loose end). He doesn't want children and you do - just not with him. He is not prepared to go to Relate or make any effort to repair the marriage. I think you are so far apart in what you want from your lives that you cannot continue to struggle on together. You are not a bad person. You know that. You have tried your best and he has not met you halfway. I would sit him down and say 'I am so unhappy in this relationship that I cannot continue. We need to call it a day'. If he wants to spend the rest of his life believing that you are the one at fault let him. Hopefully you'll be having a wonderful life somewhere else and his opinion will no longer matter. Good luck!

Well, I didn't make potatoes to go with the chicken casserole I made tonight and he got pissed off and said he won't drop me off to work - I called a friend who gave me a lift. He told me he will believe it when I move out, but he said he wants me move out ASAP. I'm effectively out. I have a few friends (a lot) I can stay with until I sort out a place to stay at. So now I think "that explains his behaviour - he never thought I could actually move out." Bastard!!!

Typical controlling arse.

So you told him over dinner that you want out?

Have you got important documents etc. with you?

told him i wanted out after he told me if I wanted this marriage to work - excuse me! Why have I been suggesting Relate and all the rest of it?! He told me to piss off now, which i have, kind of - yep, have got all the important docs.

He's just sent a text msg asking if it's my final answer - it sounded so sinister I've not replied. I will be spending some time away from him though.

Thankfully I don't have that much stuff; clothes and books, some of which I might yet donate to charities and stuff.

I feel freer - unless it has yet to hit me?

"is that your final answer?"

What a dick.

I think your relief is normal - he's not exactly been a ray of sunshine in your life, has he?

Other feelings will probably hit you, too. Ride them out.

Lucky you to have so few worries about your possessions.

If you are able to, I do recommend that your time away from him also includes no contact by phone, text or e-mail. Total communication blackout from such a person will help you view the situation much more clearly.

Thank you, HotDamn - "If you are able to, I do recommend that your time away from him also includes no contact by phone, text or e-mail. Total communication blackout from such a person will help you view the situation much more clearly."

I have already identified the feeling I will need to ride out; guilt, which has already started.

You have nothing to feel guilty about: he is an adult responsible for himself and his own actions/feelings, and you are perfectly entitled to leave a relationship that you no longer want to be in.

Good for you, and good luck. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have every right to leave. I'd do the same.

You've done the right thing. He sounds like a proper millstone round your neck. It'll take a while for your feelings to settle down, but why should you feel guilty? You don't owe him anything and it sounds like you've done very well to put up with it, hoping things will improve, for as long as you have.

Sadly, people just don't change.

The trouble is that these people are awful and grind you down, ironically making it harder to leave their awfulness.

You've made the right move. I'd add 'weird and not in a good way' to 'selfish'.

And as for the posters attacking you about marrying him in the first place (why, you stinky bullies), that his revisionist attitude to the facts, which is also at work, might explain why.

I'm not sure it's easier to leave if they beat you, I think lack of insight crosses many behaviours. I think many violent men are just as shocked when their partners leave as non-violent.

So I think the challenge is similar - you want to leave, you have made plans and now you need to tell him.

It's not an easy thing, but you can do this. You tell him, you listen to what he says and then you move out anyway. You don't get drawn into conversation or argument, you just say it how it is, that you have been unhappy for quite some time, you have mentioned this many times, you are still unhappy and now you are leaving.

I don't think you neccessarily need to use the word divorce. Leaving is pretty clear. Separation.

Good luck with this, and good to hear you value yourself enough to create a better life.