Can people really change?

[bashfulspider]

I've been having problems with dp for about 4 years now, been together 12. It started with him becoming distant when i was pregnant with dc2. He runs his own business and it became all consuming. The last year has been very difficult, he's only been interested in talking about the business, wasn't interested in anything I said (unless it was business related or was about him) - I could see him switch off as soon as I started to speak. I have brought this up time and time again and he would make an effort, but it would only last a couple of weeks at most.

I've had a few problems lately and I feel as though he's really let me down as he just wasn't there for me. He knows that I've been struggling with it and I just wanted him to ask how I was, to show he cared, but he didn't.

I went away, with the dcs, to my parents for a couple of weeks and while I was there I decided that I'd had enough and I told him that I was leaving by Christmas if things didn't change. I came home to a decorated house and a very apologetic dp. He admitted that he'd become obsessed with the business, that he was wrong, that he'd treated me badly, that he would do anything to make things work. He'd missed me and the dcs badly and had realised what we meant to him.

Things have been much better, he's attentive, caring, loving, interested. I can't help but feel that it won't last though. I don't trust him to keep it up. He knows this and insists that it's the new him, that he's not going to change back. I don't believe him though.

Is it possible for people to change so much and stay that way?

What was he like before he become distant around the time you were having ds2 and becoming all consumed by his business?

If he was attentive, loving, caring, interested before he went on his ego trip voyage around himself, it could be that taking yourself to your dp and giving him an utimatum provided the wake-up call he needed to revert back to type or risk losing his wife and family - which, presumably, is what he's been working all hours for.

Am about to go to bed but am sure someone will be around to help.
I think lots of people feel they're stuck on a hamster wheel of home - young family -work (and quite often with less sleep than ideal) let alone any additional life problems. Voicing it can seem like a waste of breath at times.
Perhaps because this last time, you went away to your parents' and had the dcs with you when you gave him an ultimarum, it sank in that you were serious.
If there are no other issues you are aware of I would be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt, go with the flow but keep in mind what you told him.

Sorry Izzy am slow at typing sometimes didn't see you'd replied

Thank you for your replies.

Izzy - He did the same thing when we'd been together 2 years, (more interested in tv, wine and smoking that time) I only put up with it for a few months before having 'the talk', and he pulled himself around. I was more involved with the business before dc2 so I think I didn't used to mind him going on about it so much. It's funny because he started the business so that he get a better work/life balance.

Donkey - I think that's what I have to do, just wait and see, wish I had a crystal ball though!

No need to Donkey. I often xpost due to slow fingers key syndrome

Seems to me he's the type that will need regular kicks to his crystal balls posterior to focus his mind on the best thing that's ever happened to him, namely yourself, spider. Keep some pointy toe shoes handy

People sometimes receive a shock and do change. The worst thing to do is wait for someone messing up as you may jump the gun. He could make the slightest mistake and you could blow it out of proportion.

I think people can change! Though it does seem like a very sudden realisation on his part, I suppose its possible.

You say you have a fear it won't last though. This could be because you are right (gut feeling) or because you are understandably suspicious and it may take time to get trust back again.

People can change, but they have to realise there's an issue and want to do something about it.

If there's a history of reverting to form though, I'd be skeptical...

Watching this with interest as would like to know the same thing with regard to my own uncommunicative DH.

Don't like to say this but unfortunately I think that although they may intend to change more often than not they revert to form.

Everyone's different, mind you...

My gut feeling does say that it won't last - it never has before so why should it now. I know that to make it work I have to put my all into the relationship too. I'm reluctant to do this as it bloody hurts when you know someone is backing away from you over and over again.

Yes they can do- but it is hard work at first to keep it up, and they need to really want to.

I think it would be helpful for you to have some couples counselling.

I don't think people can really change no, they can compromise. That's how most relationships work I think. People have to work on themselves and see how their behaviour affects others and adapt and try to be less selfish. The inner person doen't change though in my opinion unless they go through something traumatic or life changing.

I too think people can change, but is is bloody hard work and no one can do it for them. One hopes that a life which is more connected to you and the dcs would be enough reward to keep him at it, though, until it is just his way of life.

Good luck.