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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Irreconcilable differences or growing pains!

3 replies

Ginga66 · 11/09/2012 23:08

Have had terrible row with dh tonight. Long story short for four years have had a painting on wall my brother did, was copy of famous nude. We argued a lot over it as dh bit stuffy and thought innapropriaye but mainly as he and brother don't get on at all. Culminated in me destroying it one very bitter day. Regret it now but was very upset at family feud. Sounds dramatic I know but trust me long deep history between them.
So anyway I put up a couple of nudes of my own and he also felt better to have one thing else as we have ds1. Three years old and three months. I disagree completely don't see issue with tasteful nudity but he says his turn wants bloody landscape or whatever. Came home there was a clock there and he had taken my pics down.
This follows on from another disagreement about music. He likes electronic and I rock! He does most of drivin and says can't concentrate with my music on.
Essentially ended up saying totally different tastes and both feel other trying to impose their taste. He says solution is neutral where as I think bit of his bit of mine.
We got quite nasty with each other, years of pent up frustration I suppose. I told him he was repressed, he said my art was rubbish including picture I painted him when we got together.
Bad to worse and he was goin to leave or drive into a wall he said, or get divorce. I got v upset, he agreed to stay.
But nothing has been resolved really. I know every time we get int car there will be his music. I know we will get bloody landscape on wall.
But if we split up over this shit I would not want to play my music or look at my pictures, I would end up hatin them wouldn't I? They won't keep me warm at night!
Still, feel if he doesnt like my taste how can he like me. He was much more tolerant of our differences when we were courting. Since marriage and kids true colours come out I guess. Can't feign interest when living together.
This is in midst of tantruming child and new baby and failed house move and family issues I should add.
Aibu? Should i Back down as I have or am I settin a bad precedent. He took his clock down btw!

OP posts:
SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 12/09/2012 11:07

Take a step back. You are thinking about divorce because of music and a picture? Wow.

If you don't like eachother's music, agree to listen to it wearing headphones. Or if you're in the car, normal rules of driver chooses.

Your DH has expressed a reasonable opinion on nude paintings. Not everyone likes them or feels comfortable having them on display - I certainly don't. The mini war you have going on is ridiculous - I'm just imagining you both sneaking around in the dead of night changing the artwork :o If something has to go there, there are so many options. Nudes and landscapes are out so that leaves a family portrait, a still life, an ethnic hanging, a driftwood wall sculpture...

Honestly, if you are squabbling about such petty things you could probably do with some couples counselling on communication.

dequoisagitil · 12/09/2012 11:20

I don't think it's that trivial; you guys need to learn compromises on the small stuff. It could be that the stresses you're under make the 'little' things seem that much worse and they're a diversion from the big things that are even harder to sort.

It might be a good idea to go to Relate or something for help with communication etc between you and see what you can work out. The ways that you treat each other - you destroying the picture, him taking your stuff down - these things need addressing. Not healthy.

I agree that driver chooses music - so do more driving Grin. At home, bit of his, bit of yours.

I think nudes are good in the bedroom. Something mutually agreeable in the living room.

If it always ends up having to be his way, then something else may be going on.

Ginga66 · 12/09/2012 19:43

You are both right I think. On the one hand too petty to lead to argument about splitting up this is true. On the other hand I think there is some displacing of feelings into these objects.
I agree driver rules sounds right except for years I have been the one getting up for the babies so I have been too tir to safely drive so I reckon a little bit of my music is acceptable. I never play anything I know he detests.
We now have two lovely photos he took hanging on the wall! For now my only nude is on my iPad wall paper lol.
I guess what upset me intensely w him saying my taste is rubbish and my painting I did for him is rubbish. Because that makes me sad and wonder when he w courting me as it were did he lie about liking my music. He certainly let me waffle on about books, paintings etc for long enough! I would be devastated if I ought he w faking an interest as I love him so much

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