Long term problem with my own jealousy and insecurity, please help/advise.

[Ishoosaplenty]

ok I have NEVER admitted this to anyone before, except myself, I have name changed but I am an old timer here.

I have a massive problem with my own insecurity and I guess jealousy, it's going to start impacting my relationship with the most wonderful man I have ever known.

Before explaining I want to point out that I KNOW it's not right, reasonable or a very healthy way to behave/feel, hence me reaching out for advice from you lovely people.

I will also say that DP hasn't once mentioned it being an issue but if past relationships are anything to go by, it will happen because ... Well, let me explain.

I hate to be alone, no idea why but I do. I don't have a huge amount of friends. I dip in and out of friendships a lot and have have spells where I'll keep myself to myself. I am close to my siblings though.

I don't like it when DP goes out. There I said it.
I have no idea why though, he only goes to his hobby meeting with 2 other guys between 2-3 times a week but I still get jealous and always want to be with him. How pathetic (now you know why I name changed!)
We get invited to a lot of social events, but we have children and it's usually a case of if we can't both go then we don't. I get tearful and down when I'm by myself, I really need to combat that.

I don't think I'm explaining this well at all but I hate feeling like this, I've tried to just not feel it but it's not working so well, as I said DP is the most amazing man, I have never felt so loved and yet still these stupid feelings are rising up again. It was a huge problem in my last relationship and I don't want to be like it anymore.
We have a baby on the way and I'm not sure the hormones are helping at all. I'm too e,barrassed to bring it up with him because it makes me sound nuts, does anyone have any suggestions at all?

Do you know why you don't like him going out? As in, examining it a bit deeper? Is it because you fear him meeting someone else? A fear of someone breaking in? Can you narrow it down?

FWIW and I know it's a platitude of sorts so forgive me, but the fact you recognise all this is A.GOOD.THING.

:)

I can certainly hazard a guess.. I'm 100% sure it's not fear of him meeting someone else, as I said I have never felt more loved and wanted by anyone as I do with him.

I think it's possibly the thought of him having fun without me means he doesn't need me, I grew up caring for my ill mother and she needed me all the time, when she died 2 years ago no one did anymore and I kind of felt a bit useless, that's silly. I know.
I've always had a bit of an abandonment complex though, my Dad left when I was v young and the blame was pinned nine being the wrong sex, we moved house every few months to get away from debt collectors so I couldn't make any friends or anything. Those are the things that I guess could be the root of it maybe?
It's always been a problem that I've had but it never bother me before because I was in a very unhappy relationship (unhappy for other reasons) but now I want to make the relationship with DP work and make it happy so I think this is something that needs tackling.
The thought of social situations always make me anxious, and that I don't know why because as soon as I'm at them wether alone or with DP I always have a nice time but the anxiety I get before hand is bad. I'm not a recluse or anything serious like that but I think it helps to mention this muddle of feelings and thoughts going on in here ATM.

It sounds like you have pinpointed the root causes of your issue - well done.

Could you get CBT counseling? It doesn't delve into your past (you seem to have done that v well already yourself), but seeks to identify triggers, thought patterns, and change those thoughts in order to change the resulting behaviour.

Yes, true enough that it can be a useful thing to just pour it out in any old order, whether it makes sense or not :)

Do you go out and socialise on your own, in other's company?

I get jealous and it drives me mad so I empathize with your predicament.

For me I'm pretty sure its linked to low self esteem- a subconscious script, if that's possible, which runs: we love each other, its ace, but what if someone else sees how great they are? They will leave me because deep down I'm not good enough, and everto

I had CBT once before for a good 12 weeks, I found it useful at the time, maybe I should go back and revisit some of the paperwork.
I go out in the day time when the kids are at school, evening time is only ever with DP when the babysitter is free.
I find myself slipping into periods where I just don't want to be with anyone away from the house, like at the moment.

I get jealous and it drives me mad so I empathize with your predicament.

For me I'm pretty sure its linked to low self esteem- a subconscious script, if that's possible, which runs: we love each other, its ace, but what if someone else sees how great they are? They will leave me because deep down I'm not good enough, and everyone else is better, wittier, prettier etc.

It's not so simple especially when I'm feeling it but as I said, self esteem for me is at the core. Could that be the case for you?

Soz for repeat post. Damn phone

I'm v independent and love my own company, but when I had pnd I became terrified of being alone. It was life limiting.

Do you think you may be depressed, op?

So you've already got children and another on the way - and your partner goes out 2-3 evenings a week, every week?

You don't attend functions together, so does he go instead while you look after the children?

And the only time you get out yourself in the evening is with him, when you can get a babysitter?

Now I appreciate what you say about having got yourself into a rut of not wanting to go out and socialise, but it also doesn't sound as though you've had much choice in that and it's become a habit.

Is he still going to go out on his own so much when the baby arrives?

Thanks for the replies.

Let me clarify.

I have 2 children from my previous relationship, DP treats them as his own so I often refer to them as "ours" in conversation.

I could go out anytime, he wouldn't mind at all, he works several hrs commute, by the time he gets in, has dinner and goes out to his thing it's very late, I end up just sitting in our room by myself doing not much.

I have got a lot better, in my previous relationship I used to experience panic attacks when ex went to work let alone anything else!
I'm fine with that now, as I say DP works several hrs away everyday, I am coping with the hobby although it seems to be getting more and more each week (gone from once a week to 3 times)

I think I need to get to a position where I can be at ease having fun or just being ok without him.

I sympathise with you - I have similar feelings, and struggle with them too. Been with my partner for a about 20 months now, and moved in together 6 months ago.

I used to get incredibly jealous when she had friends round and I wasn't there, even if it was just female friends, or if she went out somewhere and I didn't go too. Found it incredibly difficult to not sit/stand together if we went out together.

I've been mainly dealing with it by reminding myself that this is not healthy behaviour, that trust is an essential component of a good relationship, and that if I become suffocating, it's only going to push her away. And I think I'm slowly starting to improve on it, but by god it's hard

I don't know what the root of mine is, I've always wanted to be close to her, even before we were together, in a way that I never felt with my XW.

It seems irrelevant that he's not the older children's biological parent. The fact is, you're both responsible for the daily care of them and the other one on the way.

I see this a bit differently therefore. Yes, you could go out at any time, but if you went out 2-3 nights a week on your own, that would leave you with at most 2 nights together as a couple, wouldn't it?

I think if you've been caring for children and a house all day, your partner works very long hours and up to 3 nights a week, returns late, eats his dinner and goes out again, you're entitled to feel a bit pissed off, lonely and desperate for some adult company.

I'm not diminishing what you've said about feeling insecure and jealous, but I don't think the balance is right here either and if he continues to do this when the baby comes along, you're going to feel even more isolated.

There's a sense that you can't believe your luck in finding this man and that you put him on an enormous pedestal - so much so, that you can't share your vulnerabilities with him or even see, let alone articulate, where there is unfairness in your set-up.

I wonder does he feel like that about you and the family you're blending together? That he can't believe his luck and will do everything in his power to make you feel secure, loved and worthy of spending time with?

OK. Deep breath. Normal (but destructive and painful) romantic jealousy is one of those things that is really helped by therapy. I saw a Jungian therapist, but I would think any therapist who was good could help you.

I also think (personal experience talking here) it is highly "curable" in therapy and would not take too long to get a handle on.

(Otherwise it could drag on for years. Speaking again from experience)

Marking place, with interest. OP I think I'm even worse than you!