What's wrong with me?

[mamma2006]

Well... Where to start!

My dp and I have only been together for 11months but have been best friends for over 10yrs. When we got together I felt like I lost my best friend but didn't gain anything.

I was never physically attracted to him and tbh that hasn't really changed. Therefore I find it difficult when we're intimate. I Often find that I don't want him to touch me however when he does I forget about his looks. Although I rarely let him touch me.

I have become very distant over the last 8months (since we started living together) and neither of us understand why.

I have a ds (6) although my current dp is not his dad. I often feel guilty that I have brought my son into a situation that may not last and feel really guilty.

I love my dp's personality but I just can't seem to get past his looks. I know that is super shallow but I do want to get past this and be able to have a healthy relationship.

Any help or advice given will be very much appreciated.

Thank you

Oh dear, the answer is you should have never entered a relationship with him! Did you feel pressurised into doing so?

Oh an there is nothing wrong with you! You just don't like him that way! I do hope he didn't pressure you into a relationship? You need to get out of this if you feel the way you do. Life is too precious to live like that. X

I think if you once had an attraction it can be rekindled but if it was never there then I think better to move on.. DS will probably be more affected by picking up on the dynamic and lack of attraction than the relationship breaking down. I sympathise as I have sometimes thought about getting together with a guy i like but don't fancy. We kissed precisely once and I knew it could never happen.

The answer is that you should be friends, not lovers.

Well it sounds like you just don't fancy him. I don't think you can have a romantic relationship with someone when there's no chemistry.

Why did you get together in the first place? Did it seem like a good idea on paper?

I thought it made sense to get together with one of my best male friends once. I loved him, trusted him...but I just didn't fancy him. And on the few occasions we did have sex before I broke things off, it felt incestuous.

I don't know what to suggest. I don't think you can force yourself to be attracted to someone.

And I find it interesting that rather than come to this very obvious conclusion on your own, you're trying to find fault with yourself instead. Why are you automatically blaming yourself?

Hi gimmecakeandcandy,
I kind of felt pressured but not really by him. My family loves him and so do I and when he told me how he really felt about me after 10yrs I felt kind of guilty. We decided to give it a try and break off in early stages if it went wrong or wasn't working but we kind of got stuck in a rut.

Madonnawhore,

I feel like it is my fault bcoz I put us both in this situation. I knew I didn't fancy him but bcoz I love everything else about him I felt that looks didn't matter. But 11 months down the line I feel the same.

Entertumbleweed,

I don't think we could ever b just friends again. i really fo want to get past not fancying him. If that's possible!

Fancying is not really about looks, it's chemistry.
If you're not attracted, then you are not.

The sooner you end it the better.

Imagine if you fall pregnant, for example.

I don't think you can turn on sexual attraction. If you don't fancy him, you just don't. I think you're more likely to become revolted by him, if you try to force yourself - and it can't be very great for him if you can't bear to touch him. I can only see it getting worse.

What will happen if/when someone you do fancy comes along?

I don't think it is possible to create a feeling of sexual attraction to someone just because they are in love with you and/or it would be really convenient to feel more than friendship for them I found this out the hard way! It was my best make friend of many years and it was a horrible situation because I broke his heart :( Don't string this guy along, you can't create something that was never there so unless you are both okay with having an open relationship it is far better to let it go now than years down the line.

He isn't the one for you. You know that really don't you?

No, the friendship won't recover but it's done now and you can't waste both your lives pretending it's something it's not.

Let him go. Give both of you a chance to find the real thing.