Men looking elsewhere while in a relationship

[Mexxo]

Bit of background:

I am a single parent in my 30s and work full time. Sadly, I've found in recent years that the only men who ever hit on me always turn out to be married/attached, which is not my bag. I've reached the conclusion that all decent men over 30 are attached. God knows how long I'll have to wait to find a properly single one.

Recently a guy at work made a few flirtatious comments in my direction, which I was interested in as I had understood (from what colleagues have mentioned about this guy) that he was single. In addition to that, I had seen his profile on Match.com. I hadn't approached him through that, because I did not want any possibility that he might feel professionally embarrassed (he is senior to me, though in a different part of the business). I have not mentioned to him or anyone else that I've seen him on match.com.

Over the past few days we've exchanged a bit of banter, in the course of which I made an oblique enquiry about his domestic circumstances (just to be sure, you see) and he disclosed (slightly reluctantly) that he lives with someone and has done for some time, but that the relationship was not what he'd hoped for. To be fair to him he did imply (reluctantly) that he was not "available" as a result of this.

Naturally I abandoned the mild flirting. However, I was a bit perplexed about the match.com thing (I don't really use it any more) so I logged on again to have a look, hoping that perhaps this profile was just there from long past, but it said "Active in the last 48 hours"!

Why do men do this? To read his profile you would think he was 100% single. If I have seen the profile, and recognised him from work, why isn't he worried about his girlfriend seeing it? I feel really depressed by the whole thing. It also puts me completely off bothering with internet dating, as how would you ever know someone's real situation?

Why do they some men do this? - Because they can.

How would you ever know someone's real situation? Time and questions.

I never dated a guy more than a couple of times that wouldn't give out both home and mobile numbers (this was a few years ago though and most people had both). You can usually sus things out. Also if you have the wrong end of the stick I found the honest and upfront ones would answer your questions and show you they were on the up, the others just went "poof"

That should have read "answer your questions willingly"

Mex my STBXH of 20 yrs was doing this...I think it was a 'keep your options open' type of situation. Not bad enough to leave, but I was not the Mrs Bun the bakers wife type housewife his witch of a mother thought was his due. Sometimes they are just massively entitled and deluded about what they think they are 'owed'. It came as a massive shock to me btw, as I thought we were reasonably ok.

Parsley I'm so sorry to hear that. How did you find out? It makes me feel a bit sick, tbh. If a man thinks so little of his partner that he is happy to advertise himself as available in this way, why not just leave her?

The other kind of website, for married people who just want an affair, almost seems better. At least everyone knows where they stand there. But this thing of presenting yourself as single while actually shacked up with a long term partner - how is that ever going to work? At what point do they think they're going to ditch the partner or come clean to the new girlfriend? It's just so lame.

Mex thanks. I was very shocked, and angry, because I had always said to him if anyone wants out of a relationship, they should say so. I was never going to hang round his ankles! It shows a complete lack of respect, and has no class either. But that's the only way you can keep your options open I guess if you are an entitled selfish bastard. I found out by a sort of sixth sense that he was up to something, and checked his computer history. I say that, but I also think he wanted me to find out, and kick him out, so he could say to controlling mil that it was not his fault, it was the nasty wady who kicked her pwecious boy out. He made a reference to one of his favourite songs being the one about where the bloke advertises on a dating site, and accidently gets matched up with his girlfriend. Something about pina coladas. So I checked. He also brought dd into it, by telling her I thought he was online dating, when he wasn't (I had said nothing about it) I wasn't having him playing head games with her. There was a lot of EA and gaslighting over the years, some dv, so he wasn't a great loss. Just sad that you invest so much in someone who isn't worth it. Mind you, I ignored a lot of red flags, which I wouldn't now. I started the Red Flags I should have heeded, share yours for Womekind thread on this board on the back of it. Really touched a nerve, twas my longest thread ever...

'Why do they do it?' - Well often they are unhappy in their current relationship but don't actually want to be alone so they line up their next partner before dumping the former one.

Or as has happened to me on occasion, they think they are going to be clever enough to date both

Parsley I loved your Red Flags thread! A gold mine of wisdom there!

vibelover I just find the idea of a man maintaining not one but TWO relationships where the man is lying about his intentions so exhausting. Why? Why not just use one of the sites for married people who want an affair?

Yes, women of MN were very generous with what they shared there. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1451592-Red-flags-I-should-have-heeded-share-yours-for-womenkinds