Can anybody please recommend a book on dealing with Passive-Aggressive men?

[Fantasmagoria]

I really feel like I need a manual to keep my relationship going!
I am married to a passive-aggressive nightmare and desperately need some sort of self-help book.
I am sure there are loads of books out there on this subject, but I'd love any personal recommendations to help me make my choice.
Thank you!

Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft is by far the best book I've read on abusive relationships, however it doesn't really concentrate on passive/aggressive behaviour in detail. Is he/she ok in other ways?

he's fairly ok in other ways, aside from the fact that he has Parkinsons Disease which of course is a major illness! But as far as absusive behaviour is concerned, I wouldn't describe hiim as abusive although sometimes I do feel emotionally abused, I must admit.

He was passive aggressive before the PD diagnosis, BTW.

I will be bluntly honest here, I wouldnt stay regardless of diagnosis or what he was like before it. it wont get better, you can neither stop it or reason with him. Getting books to help you get through a shit life is pointless because at the end of the day its still shit. Anto d's might mask some of the pressure but its still there at the end of the day.

I might sound or even be very selfish, but you get one shot at life and you dont have to spend it caring for someone who doesnt care for you.

These traits are usually in the very core of a persons personality OP. A book can help you understand how they usually come about but it won't make living with someone easier in my opinion.

Were you thinking of leaving before diagnosis? or is this the straw that's broken the camels back?

get lundy bancroft and read it - lots of anecdotes in there will open your eyes as to what may or may not be considered abusive. if you recognize him in there then you may reconsider. of course lots of the book wont apply but is worth reading thru and skipping chapters on say physical violence. but the stuff on emotional/passive agressive behaviours is very eye opening.

and start now by setting your boundaries as to what behaviour you accept - however ill he may be ...

Oh I don't know Guiltypleasures. My DH was very passive-aggressive (learned behaviour from his bloody horrible parents), but has now largely stopped ... erm ... being.

After DS was born we had a bit of a crisis (as so many do) and I nearly left him.

After some couples counselling and a lot of soul-searching and effort on both our parts, we sorted it out. We're still happy fve years on.

I think the key thing is that he needs to be willing to acknowledge it, and I think that it'll usually take a rocket up the arse for anyone entrenched in passive-aggressive power-play to 'fess up to their tactics.

Sorry OP - I know of no specific books. The way I dealt with it was to take EVERYTHING he said at face value and ignore any hint of sub-text. It takes an iron will, but it drives the passive-agressee bonkers, and eventually drives them into the open.

Example:

P-A: Are you wearing that today?

You: (Resist temptation to ask why he's asking) Yes.

P-A: Well, if you're sure.

You: (smiling brightly) Bye!

(Try kicking something hard after leaving the house and pretending it's your DH if you need an outlet).

HTH.

OK could anyone kindly confirm that the following incident that occured last night 1) WAS actually P.A. behaviour on DH's part and 2) how I should have dealt with it?

Scene: Bedroom. He is playing guitar.
Enter: Me
Me: I'm going to lie on the bed and listen to the radio on my personal radio (Andy Murray match) so you can continue playing guitar
I do so, then realise that because only one earrphone works on my personal radio, I can still hear the guitar.
(NB. I normally like having just the one earrphone, that's not any issue usually)
Me: Do you mind if I take the earphones off your i-pod which is right here on the bedside table and use these to listen to the radio just this one time, as I need 2 working earrphones on this occasion

DH: [I can't remember what he says but it's basically NO you can't have them they're my earphones, do you have to take mine, they're going to get lost, blah blah blah]
I am personally offended by what I consider mean-spiritedness - it's not like I'm walking off with the bloody things, I'm lying on the bed in front of him and only want them temporarily.
So basically I say Fuck you,you're so selfish, I only wanted them for a short while, blah blah,so that you can carry on playing guitar, and I chuck them on the floor (all that kind of stuff)
He sort of realises he's being mean and says I can have them but isn't exactly gracious about it. I refuse all offers of his earphones. We go round in circles for some time, him offering and me refusing (angrily). He then says HE doesn?t want them anymore. And he can?t play guitar with me in the room anyway. He makes a big thing of not wanting his earphones. End result: DD comes in and says if he doesn?t want them, she?ll have them. So she?s got them and presumably now he can't listen to his i-pod.

and I apologise for such a long post and thanks for anyone who can be bothered to read it!

Sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other tbh.

You're not exactly working together on this are you and he was there first wasn't he, why couldn't you have gone somewhere else? Sounds like the bickering of two people that don't really respect each other very much.

Why do you think that behaviour was passive agressive? He just sounded irritated that you had interrupted his guitar playing. Why couldn't you have gone in another room?

nodding with clipped, you invaded his space.

Op it sounds like you are gas lighting him a little, is there something else going? it sounds like you are taking things out on him, or theres more to the story.

And are you more upset with the fact that he wouldn't lend you his earplugs? Hence the "selfish" comment.

Yes it was petty of him to refuse you the headphones. But if you walked into the room where he already was and announced your intention to do something, in such a way, well I know it would irritate me!

I agree with the others here. Why would you sit next to someone playing the guitar if you don't want to hear guitar music? If anything, your behaviour sounds more 'passive aggressive' on this occasion. As GP001 asks, is there something else going on that you've not mentioned yet?

Why do you have to ask to borrow them, I would have just picked them up? Sounds like you were picking a fight. He might just not like sharing his stuff.

Chucked his earphones on the floor, and you're old enough to have a daughter who's old enough to use them? Mhm.

Get this bookand read it. Both of you. And take it seriously.

Why on earth would you lie on the bed while he was doing his own thing? You could have listened to music somewhere else or later. Were you spoiling for an argument? Sounds as if u were especially the way you responded to him.

Agree with many others: from your post it sounds like you were both just trying to hurt one another.

I want to share with this group a series of good works about dealing with passive aggression in marriage:
The Silent Marriage: How Passive Aggression...
amzn.to/NC3iFB;
How to Spot a Passive Aggressive Partner
amzn.to/QZJhsi;
and, of course, all the postings at:
passiveaggressivehusband.com
They have there a section for questions and answers....

If that's an example of how you usually interact then you both need a kick up the ringpiece.

I thought you were both about 17 until I got to the bit about your DD walking in and asking or the headphones.

You might be "personally offended by mean-spiritedness", but do you think throwing things and telling your partner to fuck off when you've invaded their space might be offensive? Or mean-spirited?

I wonder what your DD makes of all this.....