Big complications with ex and children

[victimofhormones]

Hi all, bear with me as I'm new here but in desperate need of advice. I have been with my partner over 4 years now and haven't met his children. The reasons he gave for this initially were acceptable (isn't everything when it's the honeymoon period??) but now I am struggling with it as I thought by now things would be different.

We live separately but spend 5 nights a week together sometimes at my house sometimes at his, we go on regular holidays together and 90% of the time get on amazingly apart from this blot on the landscape. He has 5 children to one ex, 3 of whom are grown up with their own children and none of them will meet me (I have been there when he asked them so i know he tried). He also has 2 children to another ex and even when I asked her by phone if he could take out his children with me and my grandchildren I just got an abrupt "no". The children from the 2 exes never have any contact either so it's not entirely personal - there is a lot of animosity between the 2 exes. Basically if he ever suggests the children spending time with anyone other than him alone the ex restricts him from seeing them for months. He tried going through legal channels but ultimately she calls all the shots whether legal or not.

He spends every Saturday with one lot of children and every Sunday with the others which makes our time together restricted to evenings or days off work and holidays. I admire him for always putting his children first but am I being unreasonable?? I don't even want to spend time with his children on a regular basis but sometimes feel like the mistress in this relationship hidden away from the real family! Christmas is always heartbreaking and we have taken to spending it abroad as a couple as he finds it so difficult to share his time equally as both exes expect him to devote key times to their children - this makes it hard on me as I want to be with my family (I have grown up children and grandchildren who welcomed him with open arms). I really don't know anyone who has had this problem so thought I would widen my search on here. Any comments to help would be gratefully received.

I think he needs to start taking control of the situation instead of allowing himself to be held to ransom by his exes. There's putting your children first and there's being a doormat, and he is currently behaving as the latter. Ironically, this won't be doing his DC any good, since they will undoubtedly come to lose respect for their father if they see his life being so dominated by the whims of his exes. Four years into a relationship, you are hardly the new GF and it is completely unreasonable of them to deny your existence when your DP has the DC even if they choose not to involve you in their own family arrangements.

How old are the remaining his younger 2?

If he "still" has to do this with the older ones then he's being a bit of a twit here, he needs to tell them the way it is now.

Thanks very much for the replies - very reassuring. The younger children are only 10 and 5 and it's the loss of seeing them regularly that controls his decisions - the older ones are in full support of their Mother which is why they refuse to meet me - they don't want to upset her! The irony is she has had a partner who was involved with the all the kids although it was very short lived!

Can he suggest mediation? My biggest concern in this is that the exes are denying their children the chance to get to know their siblings. That is deeply wrong IMO, regardless of the relationships (or lack of) between the adults involved. While I can see why your DP is so reluctant to rock the boat here out of fear of losing contact with his DC, he seriously needs to man up. For now, contact is provisional on his not involving you. But what next? What if the exes decide contact is provisional on him prioritising their particular DC at Christmas, or paying more maintenance, or any other impossible-and-unfair requirement? He needs to set some ground rules about having his own life dictated to. He can use the courts if need be, pointing out that if the exes really love their children and have their best interests at heart, then they would not stoop to using their children as pawns in a game of control.

Do his adult children refuse to meet you? Very odd if so, who reaches adulthood and holds on to the daddy vs mammy mentality? Surely ex no 1 has moved on? Why do they 'take her side?' What awful thing could he have done if all these years later they still.hold a grudge?

I don't have an answer for you really but to say I'm sorry that these exes are holding your dh ransom like this. Of course he will do what they demand. Any parent would to see their dc. But how awful not to see your dc for Christmas, or be able to introduce them to your partner.The children as they grow will become aware of the elephant in the room that is your absence, surely it will seem as though he is hiding them, keeping them seperate to his 'real' every day life?