MIL problems

[happylittlebear]

Since DS (2) was born, MIL has shown little interest in him (despite telling the world and his wife how excited she was when I was pregnant).

I am very close to my own mum and see her regularly, so purposely tried to include MIL in things so that she didn't feel excluded, but she was never really bothered. I always get the impression it's something she feels she should be interested in so sometimes humours you but really she's not that fussed...

DH is very conscious of her lack of interest and advised I back off as I would only upset myself when no relationship was forthcoming.

I am happy with this and leave the contact to DH. He calls her every few weeks (never the other way round) and she makes noises about coming to see us but we have learned not to expect anything...

We haven't seen her since early July and DH phoned her tonight as she has just come back from holiday, she was out and he left a message with DB. When she called back, I happened to pick up and she said
"seeing as you are always soooo busy at the weekend, shall I pop down one evening this week, I haven't seen ds in ages and I really miss him..."

Now this is the bit I find hard to deal with!

The lack of contact is her choice (and frankly her loss) but I don't feel able to bite my tongue when she claims to miss ds or that she doesn't see him as we are so busy. I have lost count of the amount of times we have asked her to come / offered to go and get her / waited in for her when she said she was coming and didn't turn up. She lives a 15 min drive away btw.

I am pretty sure she has a drink problem and this contributes to her sometimes quite selfish and self-pitying behaviour but there is only so much sympathy I have for this...

FIL is like this. I just facilitate contact when I can and leave him to it the rest of the time. Her loss.

she is NOT going to change. You have to detach, let whatever she says wash over you. Be polite, offer her a date if she does talk about coming to visit but then don't EXPECT anything. At all.

My MIL (who is not a hateful person) is also very like this. They haven't been to visit us since last Christmas. We have repeatedly asked them to come and visit (we have a lovely spare room) but they never make definate plans. However, when we go to see them we always get a whole load of gnashing and wailing about how much the Dcs have grown and how they don't see them enough. My DCs are old enough to talk on the phone, use Skype etc but she never calls them and if we offer to put them on the phone she just fires questions at them without waiting for replies.

They live a 3 hour drive from us and will often tell family members that they don't see us because we are too busy. However, they are both retired and I have told them I don't know how many times that they are welcome any time. I have come to the conclusion that my MIL likes telling people she doesn't see her grandkids. I think she likes the idea of seeing them but doesn't like the fact that this may involve travel. When she does see them she is all over them so she does seem to like them :)

My advice is rise above it. If she is anything like my MIL it's nothing to do with you personally, and you will never change her. All you can do is offer and then not expect them to take you up on it. I count myself lucky that whilst she is difficult to deal with sometimes she is nothing like some of the MILs from hell you read about on here.

I agree with autumn-rise above it.

If it´s not inconvenient to you, tell her it´s OK to come round.

Don´t make anything of it & if she doesn´t turn up-her loss.

Don´t give up any plans to wait in though.

Thanks, I know you are all right!
DH has often said she enjoys people feeling sorry for her so i think that is part of the reason she likes to tell people she doesn't see DS.

This is very similar to my situation. Mil very much absent from our lives.

I agree about rising above it, but it is hard to not feel emotional or feel bad about it.

Me and DD have not seen MIL since Christmas. But DH saw her earlier this year to talk about how he feels about it all. Like you OP she makes little contact and DH always phoned her etc. And when he did call she would always say how she missed seeing her grandchild and she wanted to see more of her, DH would say come visit then but there would be a reason why she couldn't/didn't. We eventually got tired of inviting ourselves round there so haven't bothered this year. Like you, it's the difference between words and actions that upsets/annoys. What she says and what she does don't match. We would go there if she invited us.

Nothing changed after DH had heart to heart with her. They also recently fell out because of all this and DH said he didn't want to talk with her for a couple of weeks. But I don't think she understands why at all. Her reaction was all very melo-dramatic, very much about how she had been wronged and hurt. He knows he's got to sit and talk with her again but I don't think she will understand or change.

I worry now because DD will not react well when she sees her again.

To be honest it feels like its hanging over us all the time, but it's hard to change people. I think we just have to work with the situation as it is.

My DH and I take bets everytime we see her how long it will be before she says "I don't see the children enough". Last time we hadn't even got out if the car!

Is your MIL quite a stressed person? Mine is, and I think she can't cope with anything that isn't completely in her control. We offered to take them on holiday so they could see the kids more, but even that was turned down with a series of "We'll see" answers. I suppose the upside of this is we look incredibly generous with our offers of hols and visits but we don't actually have to do anything .

She has GCs living walking distance away and she is also like that with them. She is always telling me that she offers to help them but they don't want her help (another one of her poor me speeches). However, when I have spoken to my SIL this isn't the case. My SIL desparately needed someone to help with the school run when her Mum was ill and my MIL made excuse after excuse as to why she couldn't do it.

Don't take it personally and just keep offering so she never has a real reason to say that you stop her seeing the kids. Maddening I know but all part of the family dynamic! At least she isn't one of the MILs who undermine your authority and wants to take the kids off you.

Try to rise above it. My MIL, one Xmas, said "I do so hope you'll allow me to see more of dd next year". She had arranged in July, that she would have her every Wednesday, but always pulled out at the last minute. I was gobsmacked.

However, once dd was a bit older - about 3 - MIL actually did start taking her once a week until dd started school then I was fielding calls asking me to let dd miss a day of school so MIL could have her!

They have a great relationship, and it was definitely worth not getting worked up about some of MIL's idiocies! Now, though, she is completely senile but the only person she consistently recognises, apart from sFIL, is dd.

My MIL also moans about how little she sees the GC.

We´ve been abroad for more than 10yrs & they´ve never been over.

When we were in UK-about an hrs drive away, they wouldn´t come over & spend the day with me & the kids in the week & have a quick catch up with husband when he got in from work.

Had to be a weekend so that they could spend the whole day with husband also.

They could have done both-so saw quite a bit less of the kids than they were given the chance to iyswim.

But my oh my did MIL bemoan her (chosen) lot!

Before we moved here, I lived with my parents for a couple of months-which put me & the children about 10 mins drive from ILs.

They phoned up once to see us-I had to say no as I already had something planned-& they never made another arrangement!

I really would try not to get stressed about it. I think we all have this ideal in our heads as to what families should be like, but when you look on forums like this, you quickly realise that there's loads of families that are not close, where the grandparents / other family members are not interested etc. I think it is far more common than we often think. As others have said, its her problem, she's the only one who misses out - so instead, just focus on and enjoy your family unit, as you are the primary family together. You can't make family members interested, but you can decide whether this is an issue or not, for you - and tbh, is it worth making it an issue when you can just get on and enjoy your own family life together.

I do understand the frustration though... DH recently invited MIL to come and see the GC, but she declined citing the need to help out DHs sis prep for a party. Except DH read on facebook that actually the party was the day before the event MIL had been invited to, and so she had blatantly lied about it. Basically, she couldn't be arsed, which is fine but why lie?? Its the lies, which I think makes it so frustrating... One of my friends got so pissed off with her MIL not wanting to see the children, but then lying about it, that she started calling her up on it... so when the MIL was saying things like "Oh, I never get to see the DC" she replied saying things like "well, we did invite you over on XXX, but you didn't bother to turn up". I hear its stopped the complaining, but I don't know what its done for family relationships .

If she's not interested, I think you do just have to accept that and get on with your life... you can never change people or make them interested, so its not worth getting stressed trying to make them. Instead, look for the positives... at least you won't have to manage the stress of making sure each set of GPs have equal access to the children, making sure you visit everyone fairly on the big days - Christmas, mothering sunday and so on, ensuring you do enough of your duty visits.... Listening to some of my friends, this can be bring lots of its own problems!!