DB ex-fiance alcohol problems - help me work out what to do VERY LONG

[MacaroniSaysShetlandPony]

OK, am hoping for some advice from the collective wisdom that is MN. I need a little help! Please bear with me ? It's a long one!

My DB was engaged to a charming girl, and we were delighted that he'd met someone who made him really happy. They were due to get married last week and everyone was thrilled. However, just before Christmas last year, DB's fiancé got made redundant and DB's world turned upside down when it transpired she has an alcohol problem. She did find another job, working for a friend of DB, however she had to be let go from that job in April due to absenteeism relating to her alcohol problem.

It took DB a great deal of time to be able to share with us that they were having problems and he only really told us when things got so bad he asked if he and his fiancé could move in with our parents for a couple of weeks in March this year. DB's fiancé had been verbally and physically abusive, to the point where her 15 year old son had to intervene to try to stop his mother hitting my DB. Her DS does not live with them, he has always lived with his father but stays one night a week with them. The problems progressed to the point where DB & ex could not be in the same house for fear of her injuring him, and he moved in with our parents for a while. Unsurprisingly, he called off the wedding but did not finish the relationship with her, as he wanted to see her get treatment to see if they could work things out.

My parents, other DB, and I have done what we can to provide support to DB, and my DM has been amazing - she has been like a mother to DB's ex. My DM is retired and really gave her heart and soul to try to help DB's ex but it became clear that rehab in a residential setting was the only way forward, and after a couple of failed attempts in different clinics within the space of 3 months or so, she managed to complete a 1-month treatment programme. She came out of rehab a week ago and already my DM is being drafted in to provide full support when my DB is at work. DB's ex is attending AA meetings and church, I believe, so is getting support elsewhere, but my DB is relying on my DM to provide company for his ex while he is at work (and also to keep an eye on her).

Thanks for sticking around this far - here is my issue: I'm not sure I'm ready to forgive her for the damage she's done to my family. Seeing my DB heartbroken is very upsetting, and when I think of the torment she's caused him, it makes me mad. The abuse we know about seems likely to be the tip of the iceberg because he's very proud and probably hasn't shared all that has happened. I know this is a failing - if my DB is willing to forgive, then I should find a way to do the same, but I'm finding it really difficult.

Additionally, DB is pressurising me to Skype with his ex so she can see my 3 year old DD and that has made me realise that I'm not ready to pick back up where we left off (we live hundreds of miles away but speak all the time on the phone/Skype). I am not sure I am ready to talk to her, never mind re-introduce her to my DD. I am inordinately worried that she will have a relapse, and I'd rather my DD didn't 'meet' her again until we see if her treatment is working now that she is out of the residential unit. We are visiting my parents in a few weeks time, and I am not even sure I want to see her then (they live a few miles away from DB). My DH is not comfortable either, and is irritated that my DB seems to assume that it's business as usual. I genuinely don't know what to do - I want to support my DB, but I also want to protect my DM from feeling pressurised into caring for someone who is not her responsibility.

So, all you wise owls on MN - do I support my DB even supposing I am worried about the chances of the treatment working, even if that means going against my instincts to limit contact with his ex while I resolve how I feel? Or do I tell him the truth and let him know that I'm uncomfortable about seeing her, and concerned my DM (and everyone else) will be drawn back into the stressful time she had earlier this year. WWYD?

I would tell DB your reservations, and that you are very worried that her recovery won't stick. I would probably agree to Skype with the ex-fiance and would be as supportive as possible while trying to build a new relationship with her - but I would not involve DD at this stage.

Just be honest with both of them. Start the dialogue and be brutally honest.

Your DB is relying on his DM to provide support for his EXP's addiction recovery? I think that's a more pressing concern than whether she speaks to your DD on Skype.

Does your DB imagine that this is his true luv & destiny but is actually using those around him (DM for the emotional support, you for instant forgiveness) to make it happen while he doesn't do much?

I suspect that if your db didn't have such a supportive family, he would have walked away from this woman long ago.

Charming she may be but, given that her ds only spends 1 night a week with her, I suspect that she's a long term alcoholic who, having been unable to put her love for her former dh/dp and her dc above her love of the demon drink, is likely to continue falling from grace on a regular basis.

As Devendra has said, plain speaking brutal honesty is called for otherwise your forthcoming trip to the UK will be fraught with unspoken resentments.

As for the notion that you should allow your 3yo to be used to compound a pretence that nothing is amiss, words almost fail me.

Whatever planet your db may be on, you'll be doing him a kindness if you haul his ass back to earth.

I echo Izzy

I would go as far as saying she is having a remarkably easy ride of it all through this, being baby sat free counselling, dribble wiped, hand held, meals cooked food and board. She is being taught nothing about consequences of her actions because everyone is running around her smoothing her path.

As a postscript to Guilty's response, your db's presence in her life is enabling her avoid the consequences of her actions and your family's unquestioning and unrationed support is enabling him to pretend or believe that this woman is something other than a committed and confirmed alcoholic.

Have you spoken to him about why he has persisted with this relationship? Is he a rescuer by nature?

If she needs to be watched 24 hours a day, she has not even begun to recover.

Thanks - really appreciate your comments. It does seem that honesty is the best policy from me to DB and I'll take your advice about keeping DD out of the equation for now.

tzella - you are right, DD Skyping is less critical than DM having to support in the way she currently is. It's funny that the Skype thing was the catalyst to make me question our support in general - up until that point, I was trying to figure out how I could support DB, rather than questioning if I should support DB. Noted also that for us as family, this is all about supporting DB rather than his ex, but inadvertantly we've probably been shielding him from seeing the truth rather than allowing it to be properly exposed.

izzy - none of us know what the background to the custody arrangements were for ex's DS, and we didn't like to ask. However, I think your assumption is likely to be spot on - her DS lives with her exH and we understood that she 'moved out and left everything' to make it easier for her DS to deal with his parents divorce. I suspect that isn't quite the whole story now, especially as we now know that her DS was acutely aware of her problems long before she met my DB.

DB is a rescuer by nature, and he genuinely believes that she has been failed by all others who have tried to help his ex in the past (her exH, her family, her GP, the two clinics she walked out of, etc.). He does have his head in the sand, and is blinded by the belief that she is his true love, and that if he helps her get well, he can have the woman back that he first knew. I don't know how feasible that belief is, but the more I see and read, the more unlikely that seems to become.

I really appreciate all of your posts above, and the candour of internet strangers! It's certainly helped me get some perspective. If my family don't remove the emotional crutch we are providing to DB's ex, we aren't actually helping my DB at all, are we? I'm not looking forward to speaking to my DB but I know now it's absolutely the right thing to do.

I think you all need to stop "saving" her.

She is his ex. He is probably clinging onto the hope that everything can be put right.

Your family sound lovely, truly kind people. But I'd be cutting her loose to save herself. She is a grown up, and as you say, while you all continue looking after her, she will continue bleeding you all dry.

We need to do a reality check, that's clear from all of your posts. I'd like DB to go to AlAnon but so far he's chickened out - guess we can't do any of this for either of them but it's so hard to toughen up (and I'm miles away - much worse for DM). Would DM benefit from AlAnon, I wonder? Might be only way to toughen her up if she heard from others how she is not helping?

Without a doubt your DB and DM would benefit from Alanon. Their focus needs to shift from her to themselves. They cannot 'save' her, she can only do this herself. Her 'treatment' is AA, she will have a sponsor with whom she can go to for support and help. they only people who can help her are other recovering alcoholics.

Only another alcoholic can understand what she is going through -we cannot. We can never understand the feelings of guilt that they have.

Any support they think they are giving her can only be described as enabling.

If she has been through rehab and is going to AA she will know exactly what she needs to do. I urge you to urge DB and DM to get Alanon support, then they will understand.

just to add you she is I'll, it is a disease, not a lifestyle choice.

She is ill (blooming iPad!)