I'm being driven insane...

[IA71]

... by my mother-in-law. She is a very tricky person to deal with. She won't accept that she says anything wrong. Some of the minor things she has said to me are that my sons are being deprived of cake (we both bake cakes); that we don't know how lucky to have such good children (implying that its luck rather than our parenting). Some of the worse things she has said to me are: I'm not trying to take away your children, I could but I won't. These have just been said in the past few months. In the past she has said things and then when I have brought them up with my husband (who then inevitably forwards my email to her) she denies saying them. How do you deal with someone like this? I even paraphrased one of my emails to her where I said she said 'everything was a figment of my imagination' and when we read the email she had said it was 'another figment of my imagination' so I was wrong! My husband has told me to confront her as soon as she says it but my problem is that I say something afterwards instead. It is causing huge problems with my husband. What can I do?

Where does she say these things.In your house,on visits,on the phone,in emails?
didnt get the bit about your DH forwards your emails on to her.
Do you communicate to your DH about your MIL via emails?

Stop emailing your mil and your dh and start talking as in actual conversations in real time either by phone or face-to-face.

Yeah have a face to face conversation and get things straight.

How on earth did you not laugh in her face when she said she could take your kids but wouldn't

"I'm not trying to take away your children, I could but I won't."

And you're still speaking to this woman????

Are you emailing her because you can't deal very well with actual face to face conversation for fear that you'll lose it and end up clonking her over the head because you find confrontation hard?

I'd make a joke about most of it (how I used to handle the late FIL, the less said about whom the better). But to the taking your children comment, if I managed to laugh instead of hiss, it would have been a very aggressive joke. Something along the lines of "yes, and I could kill you, but I won't". Or "you'd be surprised how hard it would be to run away with my children on two broken legs". Good thing you didn't say anything like that, otherwise she'd have been having a good moan at DH about how you threatened her with physical violence right out of the blue, for no reason at all.

"I'm not trying to take away your children, I could but I won't."

I don't even have children but that genuinely made me snort She sounds like a loon.

The whole thing is obviously not funny though. Why on earth does your DH forward the emails to her? If he's advising you to say something to her he should be having a good try at telling her to stuff it himself.

stop seeing her?

Yes I did email my husband on email about my MIL which was a mistake and I have stopped doing that now. She says these things in my house and her own house but because they are all used to her saying such things and she has all blokes in her family noone seems to hear what she says.

I do have a problem with face to face confrontation and I find it difficult to think of an answer straight away to the things she says.

Just remembered something else she said when my son was 4 months old. She said that he didn't need me...

The comment about taking away my children I said that I would call the police if she did that.

Everyone else in her family thinks she is perfectly sane and looks at me as if I am a liar when I am not. Luckily she made the comment about my children in front of her and my husband but when I asked my husband about it a couple of days later he was already having trouble remembering! It is permanently etched into my memory.

Ok me personally, with the MIL i have now, who apparently used to be an old trout but is now 'nice'

If she did the above, i wouldn't have to think of something to say, DP would be telling her, and if he didn't, (imo your DH is scared of her too and allowing her to get away with this crap) she would be nursing a fucking black eye.

Not recommending that you do that, lol

However, think your darkest angriest thoughts, get her on her own, and say with eyes glittering with nastiness and i mean business 'If you want to take DS just try it it will be over my still twitching corpse and if you want to visit me and my children you will behave with respect in my house or i will throw you out and you won't like how i do it'

then if she complains to anyone look shocked and say 'me? I would never say such a thing'

This is probably not one of my best bits of advice but at least it'll bump your thread so someone nice will come along and help you :)

Anyway he's your DH now and should support you not wipe his nose on his moms apron strings

I hope if i was out of order my son would tell me loud and clear

She sounds like a dragon..buy her some flippin brimstone for xmas

Thank you everyone for your advice. Its a great way to vent my frustrations. I've just seen on a granny forum that she has said some children prefer grandparents to parents! You can see what I have to put up with. I actually can't bear it but somehow I have to try and get a control of the situation and not let her ruin my life. I have been blessed with two boys at the age of 41 and I can't let her ruin that for me.

I have many questions.
Why is it causing huge problems with your DH,in which ways?
Why on earth would he forward what you had written in an email about his mother,on to her?
Does she say socially rude things to other people outside the family and does she talk about people in her house,behind their backs.In short what is she like as a person in general.
Do you think she is just trying to wind you up.
If there are other daughters in law,how does she get on with them,and how do they deal with her?

I would either do what ThingsThat suggests, or I would laugh in her face and say "You're such a silly billy, MIL, I don't know where you get such daft notions!" then change the subject! If she knows she'll get a rise, she'll keep doing it...

What about, when she next makes a comment of that ilk, take a deep breath and say

"I'm sorry?! Did you JUST say xyz??!!" Get her to confirm it, then ask her to explain exactly what she means. Try and take control of the situation?

amillionyears ? There are 2 other daughter in laws and she isn't like this with them but I am the only one with children. I am under no illusion that this is what has triggered her behaviour.

My DH has a very close relationship with his mother and he owes her alot. She mentions what she has done for him every now and then.

She is like that with other people but these people have fallen out with her and don't see her anymore.

I like Shakey1500 advice as it means that I don't have to think of an answer on the spot! I might try that. Thanks.

My DH has a very close relationship with his mother

Their relationship sounds stifling to say the least, it sounds like DH and his mum vs you. And that he needs to man up.

he owes her a lot

In what way specifically?

I have personally thrown someone out of my house on xmas day for such behaviour, it was in extreme circumstances granted, but I would not hesitate to do it again. As for her and the taking children comment, she would be shown the door so swiftly it would hit her arse on the bounce back from the wall, including dh's as he seems a bit of a wet blanket.

Guilty Loving your style.

is available for strong arming at mn reasonble rates

Normally,in these circumstances,a person who behaves like this will also behave in a bad way to others as well.Which she sort of does.
But it sounds like she is looking to get emotional control of your children,like it sounds like she still has some emotional control of your DH.

Agree that he needs to be on your side about this.
"My husband has told me to confront her as soon as soon as she says it but my problem is I say something afterwards instead"
I think if I were you I would write her a letter,and either give it to her when there are reliable witnesses around,or even send it recorded delivery or whatever it is called,so that someone has signed for receipt of the letter.
I would write in it everything you dont want her to do or say in the future,and you could put in it that you like her,but not her behaviour.You might want to show it to your DH before you send it,and it would be nice if he signed the letter as well to show that he is backing you up on this.
If she were to show the letter to others,what would their reaction be?

And keep a photocopy of the letter,as she would no doubt misquote it or twist what was written in it.
This all sounds a bit harsh.
Do you think that is her ultimate aim?To get emotional control of your and DHs little ones?

amillionyears ? she has control over my husband and it is very stifling he has had issues in the past and they stood by him. This was before I met him. And her husband is completely henpecked and just does everything he is asked. It makes his life easier. I think you are right she wants control of my children as well. That didn't occur to me. I've never met anyone like her before so I really don't know what to do but I have had some great advice here and I've got a bit more understanding of what she wants. You are a very wise woman. Guiltypleasures001 ? I wish I was as strong as you. I would love to do that!

She did say reasonable rates.. i'm thinking of renting her myself lol

Its easy.. repeat the things she says in your mind.
Imagine she's a stranger
Would you allow a stranger to abuse you and threaten to take your babies?

Then get angry, so angry you're cold and heartless.
The one thing i would not like to cross in my life ever, is some line that crossing would trigger the protectiveness of a mother to her children.

She had better start treating you with a bit more respect i think because you quiet pleasant ones are the worst when you finally snap