Talk to me about how to discuss things with your partner...

[civilfawlty]

I grew up in a household where nothing ever gets said. Ever. There were loads of undercurrents and moods and so forth. As a consequence, I really run from confrontation. Have abandoned friendships rather than have difficult conversations...

Am now married to a lovely man. We've been together 3 years and have an 8mo and I have an 8yo from a previous relationship. Mostly, it feels like I have been lucky enough to marry my best friend. I love him very, very much. But... he has a tendency to be deeply self-obsessed. It manifests itself in conversations when he just doesn't ask how I am (this is usual), or silly things like pouring himself wine and not me. Just things which show a lack of thought. But also that he puts his needs and feelings first often: so that he'll, I don't know, go and have a sleep but I have to arrange for him to have the baby, and then it is always grudgingly given. He didnt ask how I was for ten days after my c-section. He diesnt tell me im pretty very often any more. These are just examples - all low grade, pretty silly. But they are the norm. And I believe he loves me, and he isn't a cheat. He just isn't seeing beyond the end of his nose. So - I just need to tell him, right? And maybe there are things I'm doing too which need picking up on. But - if we ever talk about the stuff he is immediately and intransigently defensive. He won't hear me. And I'm awful at confrontation. I don't even know if the way I feel is reasonable. What do I do?

I did a course a while ago that gave me some good tips on communication:
make it a priority every day, plan it and stick to it. We have a weekly sit down with paperwork and calender and go through things.
Ask questions, share feelings (men find this very hard!)
Don't blame. Say "I feel....." rather than "you upset me" You can disagree without arguing, you can have different views and opinions.
Try to avoid blame (you make me....) or defensiveness (I can't help it).
Sit together - if you are on opposite sides of a table then there is a barrier.
Listen - don't interrupt, don't dismiss (you shouldn't feel like that, you never listen, it doesn't matter), don't advise unless asked - you both may just need to sit and listen to each other and you may not need a solution.

You are aiming to understand each other, not change each other.

I am very much like your DH - my dh once complained I never offer him drinks but used to always make myself one then sit with him and drink it, and I never thought to ask! I just assumed if he wanted a drink he would get one . I had no idea it was an issue. My DH rarely comments on my appearance but we are both trying to comment to each other more because we have shared our feelings about growing older and feeling frustrated with out bodies.

^^ thats great advice.. nothing more to say :)

Thank you. It is good advice.

Do you think my concerns are reasonable, or am I being a pita?

I tend to air on the sarcastic.
"I didnt want a drink thanks for asking" type of unhelful comment.

I cant bear selfishness, cant bear it. Its my number one relationship no no.
So i couldnt not attack this to resolve it.

I demand a partnership, that became clear from the get go in our relationship, dh knew exactly where he stood.

You sound like you are lovely, kind and thoughtful, do you feel like a bit like you come 2nd best and a bit of a doormat though?

I dont keep hold of any friends who are selfish, i couldnt be in a relationship with some one like that.
You sound too nice to go down my way of resolving this issue (think sledge hammer) so dont know how to advise really.

Why do you think he's your best friend if he's not interested?

Start arranging time out for yourself, hand him his child and let him get on with it.

Great advice naturalbaby.

I'd add something on a different tangent, I grew up in a household where it's members used to argue or debate continuously and the only thing I learned is that wanting to be right is not as important as wanting to save the relationship. Also, how one handles conflict is what defines one as a person.
Loving someone is accepting his differences and looking for compromise.
Good luck!

I think they're totally reasonable. I struggle to talk to my DP sometimes keeping quiet so it doesn't turn into a spat.

Thats not right and we're working on it, he was violent in the past and understands my fears so now i text him as i find it easier not face to face.

I know it wouldn't turn into DV if it was face to face as he is trying very hard to be the man i deserve but i have PTSD as a result of what happened and very real feelings, well to me anyway, that the same could possibly happen again. I hate those feelings because they feel irrational.

When he pours himself a wine i would hold my hand out and say oh is that for me thanks DP but then i guess many on here would say that could be emotionally abusive? Its a bloody minefield lol

I also flick my hair when DP hasn't noticed and say 'yes i have been to the hairdresser/made a lot of effort on my hair today thanks'
I sound like one of them gaslighters i hear so much about! But i say it jokingly and he then says something about it.

Think life gets to the point sometimes where you just go about things and don't THINK but imo consideration and care for your partner should be your number 1 priority, this includes all the little things :)

I announce i am going to bed.. i don't arrange for him to have DS, its his child too, so its not called babysitting which he used to say and that annoyed the hooters off me.

DP does tend to be selfish its been the hardest thing about him that he hasn't managed to 'fix' and sex is one area of that, but other things include as you say, talking about himself and his day, and then not sticking around to listen to mine no matter how boring it has been.

I find that the things i feel able to talk about, there's never a right time, or i over think what i'm about to say, dissecting it until i feel like what i wanted to say is wrong, or i play out the way it could possibly go in my mind, then i talk myself out of it.
I wish we had a day where we could sit down as a family or just us two and raise things that have been worrying or bugging us.
Instead i am horrid and let things fester, then when he tips me over the edge he gets the whole lot, which seems unfair of me to do as he says to me afterwards, 'i never realised you were bothered by' ect, and i know i should raise them as it happens..but it happens so often that i feel i would be picking at him all the time :( no life for anyone..

I don't 'do' sarcasm so comments such as 'where's my tea?' just upset me. I suppose I was selfish to never offer, but it honestly never occurred to me to offer, maybe it was the way I was brought up. I needed a sympathetic and understanding partner to point out that there was a better way!

If he genuinely doesn't realise that you are upset by what he doesn't say then only you know the right approach to take with him.