I know I need to make a change whether it's to leave dp, stay and accept some things or stay and try to make changes.
I've listed reaons to stay and reasons to go. I dn't know if it's possible to make the changes necessary or if I should. I'd appreciate any feedback. Thanks
Reasons to stay:
? Long term ? 19 years
? He is loyal and steady
? Wants what?s best for me (on his terms)
? Have not grown apart ? laugh and enjoy many of same things
? He is generous and although I?m part time, we split our income equally
? Daughter together who we both love very much
? He loves me and does not want us to split up
? I love him (although the issues we/I have prevent me from being able to give the way I should)
? He rings me every day from work to see how I am
? He is a responsible person with a good steady job, no debts, no alcoholism etc.
? He does not go out and get drunk.
? He cooks the dinner most nights
? We both enjoy good wine and I get to drink a lot of nice wine because of his collection!
? He will do school run etc. if given enough notice
? He likes to have family days out and would rather spend weekend as a family
? He notices some DIY jobs and tackles them (sometimes)
? Going would disrupt equilibrium and might not be good for daughter
? I can?t predict effects of change
? Large financial implications
? We are possibly about to move to a larger more suitable house
? Implications for daughter?s schooling (would be able to pay for place at school I teach at)
? Loneliness ?no support (no extended family or very close friends nearby)
Reasons to go:
?In a nutshell - his inertia in home life and parenting, his temper when frustrated, his need not to lose control ( he doesn?t control to bully, he just likes not to feel out of control), the constant sense I get of his sense of superiority to me and perhaps other women, how anti-social he is and his lack of understanding of the feelings of others.
Examples:
? His default position is playing on ipad and watching sport. He has a demanding job and there is a big place for this but it?s always his default. He rarely has get up and go unless we?re out.
? He will virtually never do housework. The ratio of me to him is at least 20/1 if not more in, this area. He has been the same whether I?ve been part or full time at work.
? He appears to have no sense of our part as parents in developing daughter emotionally and academically.( he is concerned about Senior school but not Primary or our input). He doesn?t do discipline. He either opts out or explodes if he finds her too trying. He doesn?t do homework or reading or put her to bed. If I ask he thinks I?m playing games or getting him to do chores. He doesn?t care about her nutrition. I think if he had sole care there would start to be evidence of neglect (when he does actually do any of these I can sense his pleasure in having done them. It doesn?t motivate him to do them again though)
? He loses his temper if problem occur that he can?t control. I have lost count of the numbers of times and days out that have been ruined by this. He will grit his teeth and pull a face of excruciating tension and swear. He will speed up the car temporarily in temper. He has physically pushed me in the past. This is one thing he?s stopped, perhaps because he knows it might help me decide to leave. If daughter cries he tells her to be quiet or if really frustrated to ?shut up.? He does this as a personal reaction rather than using appropriate comfort or discipline where necessary.
? He will ruin situations and occasions if he feels he?s losing control or being ripped off. He often makes scenes at the start of a meal in a restaurant (particularly if booked for and paid by me/his mum. He does this if he thinks it?s too expensive. He calms down after 5 mins but my heart?s still beating for the rest of the meal. He really finds it difficult in tapas type places if I choose what I?d like. He wants to give me the choice within the bounds of what he?s first chosen. If he?s planning something he considers as many negatives a she can which takes the fun out for us but helps him feel he?s still in control.
? He has no friends and has never had a friend to the house in the 11 years we?ve been there. We don?t do couples things because he woudn?t connect with anyone I know. It increases my loneliness and as a shyish person it doesn?t help me or my daughter. He doesn?t think it important to consider that daughter and I will be leaving friends if we move. He will not come and stay with my relatives but considers it my duty to go and stay with his mother and put up with some of her erratic ways.
? I don?t think he has a lot of faith in my abilities to think or do things correctly. I didn?t learn to drive till 39. He asked me not to take lessons because I would be a danger on the roads. I drive now, touch wood all OK and actually really enjoy driving. He ?s fine that I?ve been doing an OU course but seriously wanted me not to do it at first because it would cost me money. This is despite him wanting me to get a higher paying job which this course would enable me to do. He doesn?t state tht women are inferior but he talks about certain tv programmes being for ?womenfolk? and seems to think that male interests are superior.
? His father died recently and his mother who is in her 70s and was separated from his father has shouldered nearly all responsibility from hospital care to care home to funeral. He really hasn?t realised he should be more pro-active. I think he thinks he has been. His mother can be trying but the way I?ve heard him speak to her has sometimes been excruciating. He will lose his temper very easily perhaps because she?s his mum.
? He reminds me often that he never wanted children so I will have to put up with the consequences of his difficulties with parenting. This is despite us going through IVF together.