DH and my family

[DixieD]

I an very close to my family. I am probably not as close as they are to each other, but I talk to my mum a couple of times a week and my sisters at least once. I see them regularly probably once every two weeks at least.
DH doesn't really have close relationships with his family. He sees them but doesn't really regard the relationships as that important. Where as my family are very important to me.
The problem is he is very resistant to spending time with my family. He always complains if I suggest visiting them. If we go out he is often withdrawn and spends most time playing with the kids rather than talking to the grown ups.
Before people start shouting about him trying to isolate me this is not the case. He has no problem with me going alone or with the kids. His logic is that he works hard and is old enough now not to have to do things he doesn't want to. He does work hard. So weekends are our only family time so I don't like taking the kids off and leaving him alone.
Also my family are very inclusive. I think they are hurt by his obvious resistance to joining in family events, bbqs etc. often my mam will ring with suggestions of upcoming festivals, activities etc that the kids would love. DH never wants to go. Sometimes he'll refuse outright, or he may reluctantly agree but be clearly miserable.
He doesn't dislike my family. He is not a people person really, and there are only a few people he likes to spend time with. He doesn't like people coming to the house either (when he is here, he doesn't care when he is not). My home growing up had a very open door policy with loads of pop in visitors. DH cannot bear this and gets incredibly irritated if people suggest calling in at short notice or just show up. This applies equally to his own friends and family.
I usually pick my battles on these things and insist on the ones I think are important and try and put off the others until he his not around or I can meet them somewhere else.

Sorry posted too soon.
It is upsetting for me though that I have to give loads of warning to have my friends or family visit. Or I get a sinking feeling when I get a text from someone to see if they can pop in later for a cuppa and I know DH will be annoyed.
Anyway. I don't really have a question, just looking for opinions/insights. Thanks

His logic is that he works hard and is old enough now not to have to do things he doesn't want to.

Working hard is beside the point, but I totally understand the logic that he doesn't have to do what he doesn't want to do. It's true: he doesn't. Nor do you, for that matter. The question is: can you live with it if he doesn't change?

I think they are hurt by his obvious resistance to joining in family events

Do you think this, or do you know this? And more to the point: are their feelings on the matter your responsibility? If they are upset, that is for them to deal with.

I usually pick my battles on these things and insist on the ones I think are important and try and put off the others until he his not around or I can meet them somewhere else.

Are you willing to continue like that, or is the "sinking feeling" and the forward planning you have to do really too much for you to bear? There are no right or wrong answers: just try to identify what your personal limits and needs are.

I feel very sorry for you. DH grew up in a house like this, where visitors were not welcomed. His DF thought that a man's house was his castle and drew up the drawbridge whenever he was home. They had no other family so DH grew up thinking that people don't go to other people's houses. They only ever had one birthday party for all three siblings, too.

It has had some repercussions on DH and his siblings. DH is not very confident (but now having spent much time with my much louder family he has had to become more assertive, which for him has been a good thing).

I think perhaps you could try and talk to him and set boundaries. Maybe 2x a week someone could come round for coffee or something and he will come with you to 50% of the family get togethers?

I would go without him to 'ordinary' events such as popping over for a cuppa, and really insist he joins you for the 'important' ones. You have to accept that however much you love your family, he does not want to spend all his free time with them (like every weekend from what you are saying) and doesn't really feel relaxed there, which is why he plays with the children. Equally, he has to accept you love hanging out over there and want to spend a lot of your free time with your family.

I think you need to go it alone more, you can't expect him to attend three family get-togethers a week! Or sit around chatting with his MIL that much. I would hate to spend that time with my IL's, nice though they are, because I don't feel relaxed around them and they are not my family. Once a month would be enough for me. So, I can't expect my husband to see my family several times a week when I would hate to see his family the same amount!

Just agree a good way of working it, I see my family lots on my own, with children, and for important events (e.g. weddings, birthdays, special bbq, get togethers with lots of people) he comes and is nice and joins in.

Not everyone wants to live in a large family group of in-laws around the corner, and you need to take what you want from it without making his life a misery.

No advice but my DP is very similar, I really struggle finding the right balance of seeing my family and friends as much as I like to whilst also making sure DP isn't overwhelmed by it.

I am very similar to your DH, by the sounds of it- I can't abide people 'popping in' unannounced and would hate frequent visitors and family events, so I can totally understand his feelings. Fortunately my DH doesn't have lots of family and friends to be dropping in all the time so it's not a big problem.

That's not to say that your feelings are invalid, though. You need to strike a balance. Can you see your family during the week when your DH is at work? Would he go for the suggestion that, say, one morning per fortnight is 'open door' day, when your family/friends are free to drop in ad hoc, but he can make himself scarce for that time? There's no reason why you can't tell your family that this is the plan and then you can gracefully decline invitations at other times. Your DH deserves to have his feelings taken into account too.

I can understand why your family might be feeling upset, but really, that's as daft as feeling upset that someone dislikes the colour red instead of their preferred blue. And, tbh, your family sounds like a lot of hard work to me. I'm sure they're totally lovely, but very... present all the time.

I do think you're right to insist on important events though. He should go, and go graciously too- it's all about give and take. Who knows, if you can come to an agreement that his weekend time isn't intruded on willy-nilly, he might relax a bit more and feel like unbending at these events. (I know I would)

Ive just come in to write the exact same post.

We've just had a family gathering this weekend and DP was a complete tit about it all.

I'm interested to hear what people say. Im glad its not just me.

His exact words are "Im not in a relationship with your family."

mumsyblouse it definitely isn't every weekend and certainly not 3 times a week. I would say I see them maybe once or twice every two weeks, and usually when I see my sisters it's at my folks place so it's not loads of separate meetings.
They mind the kids for an hour every second weds while I do aerobics so DH doesn't have to leave work early. Usually h is back before me so the are gone when I get home. So I may see them for 10 mins before I leave. He would view this as me having seen them and if I suggest going out at a weekend to spend a few hours it's invariably met with a 'you just saw them on weds why do we have to go out again etc ...'. I do sometimes go see them in the week, but they live a half hour drive away so with school and after school activities, my mothers pt job, my pt job, it's hard to match it up. Weekends are much easier, plus my sisters and their kids more likely to be there then. Which is great for DC to see cousins.
DH reckons there is no need to visit more than 3 times a year (incl Xmas). I'd like to visit for an afternoon every two to three weeks

Sorry, Dixie, I see you said you talk with them that much, not visit them! I would still go with the idea of 'important events' and just calling in when you'd like to. I would have more fun with my family without my husband there, as I could be there longer, talk about stuff from the past/family gossip and so on, he would come but it's not his favourite activity so wouldn't enjoy it.

I would decide how often you would like to go as a family (say once a month) and the rest of the time just go with the kids and enjoy yourself.

He does sound a bit grumpy though, about people calling in, I would be quite assertive about that if it is not very often (I thought it was more often, constant popping in is irritating). Just say: this is my house, you have peace and quiet for 13 evenings, my sister is popping in on the 14th, so what?

I think as much as you need to consider him, you also need to have your own needs met, which includes being able to have family over without him huffing. But if you can provide graceful ways out so he doens't have to be involved every time, and let go the idea you will all sit around chatting and having fun (he isn't!), I think it will be easier.

So why not visit them on your own for that afternoon? Your DH doesn't have to come with you then does he?

I'd say do that- and he might even get a bit lonely on his ownsome and opt to come with you of his own accord.

Shodan I was just thinking that, if you wanted to be a bit naughty, just announce you are off to your sisters but you are sure he won't want to come anyway, and then leave immediately. Either he'll be glad, in which case why do you want him there under sufferance, or he'll start to feel he's missing out.

Don't beg him or ask him any more, just state the important family events you would like him to attend (auntie marge's birthday or whatever) and then go more often yourself without him.

What I don't understand is that you knew he was like this before you married or had DCs? My DP is the same, he hates family gathering, avoids them like the plague (can't blame him knowing the toxic inlaws) and my family is in France so he only has to see them 3 times a year but even then it's a bit of a persuasion exercice and he complies simply because he wants DS to know some family.
What I find surprising is someone knowing their H or P is a certain way and suddenly wanting to change them or wanting them to feel different. My DP hates it becuase he says it tires him to be pleasant and entertaining, especially in a different language. I accept this is his opinion on the subject. I may not like it but that is who he is.

I'd visit them on your own. He won't change.

Yes I know visiting on my own is the only real solution. It isn't that straight forward really. As I said he works long hours and the weekends are the only time he gets with the kids. Often I will say I'll take the kid out to mums on Sat and he will say fine. Then come Sat he will say, 'I haven't seen them all week I'll come with you'. He comes out and doesn't engage with anyone. Just plays with the kids. Or he may protest me going by myself at weekends as it eats into his time with us.
OliveandJim I know what you are saying but actually he has got worse. We lived abroad for many years so obviously didn't arise then. Then we got married and had kids our time became more precious. Before our second child we often would have stayed overnight at my parents after a BBQ. This never happens now. I guess he has got less willing to people please now. Also we are busier so time together is valuable and he wants to maximise his time off. On the flip side he knew when he married me how important my family was to me so it cuts both ways.

True true, you make a good point. Perhaps he doesn't like them very much but doesn't want to upset you?
I don't see my DS much as I work FT, DP is planning to see his sister one of these weekends and the round trip would take 6 hours and I have to admit I put my foot down and said no. I'll miss him too much and so will DS (he is a bit of a mummy's boy), so I see where your DH is coming from. (sorry). But I profoundly dislike SIL, which explains why I'm not that willing to compromise and she could have taken our offer to meet half way which she refutes everytime.
Is it that wrong that he plays with his children when you are with your family? It is his only time with them after all...

My ex was like this with my extended family - he rarely saw his own aunts and uncles so didn't see why he should have to see mine, ever. I found it so hurtful.

He got on fine with my parents but would often dither and refuse to commit to coming to any family gatherings, or visits to my friends, only to pull out at the last minute. However if his family were having a get together - even just an informal one, not a birthday or anything important - woe betide me if I didn't go!

Tbh if it's about picking your battles, though, the thing that would bother me more is feeling friends wouldn't be welcome if they wanted to pop in for a cup of tea...I mean, it's your house too!

I'm actually kind of relieved that this is an issue for other people too. Mine sounds just like SPG's husband. He is not particularly interested in his own family (I join in more at their gatherings than he does), and not in mine either. Until very recently it upset me greatly that he wouldn't engage more (he tends to withdraw into the background when there are a lot of peopel around) but I have realised that it's not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things and my family aren't as bothered by it as I am.