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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Father put my baby into nursery when i'm free to care!

20 replies

DDebz · 10/09/2012 08:36

After an extremely rocky marriage with an abusive, controlling partner we recently split when father took both my babies (7month/4yr) and left marital home. Since then, i have been fighting non-stop to regain contact/residency and am currently waiting on the first court hearing (which seems to be taking forever due to public funding waiting times). He let me have VERY limited contact, which gets withdrawn frequently and is constantly slowly being reduced to nothing. But further to this he has recently entered my youngest into a nursery (so he can work) without my consent or approval (?parental responsibility?) but this is during times in which i am free to care. I love and miss my baby VERY much, i feel lost and alone without my both my babies with me, what can i do?

OP posts:
NCForNow · 10/09/2012 08:49

I am not sure why you don't simply refuse to hand them back when you do have contact? That is what I would do...

I would take them and move...go somewhere such as a womens shelter....call WOMENS AID now!

They will help...you are in the UK aren''t you?

MNHQ
KateMumsnet · 10/09/2012 10:47

Hello DDebz
Sorry to hear about your situation. You might find you get more responses and advice if you post on the Relationships talk board. Good luck.

MNHQ
RowanMumsnet · 10/09/2012 11:15

Hi again

We've moved this one to Relationships now.

Best of luck to the OP.

MNHQ

ErikNorseman · 10/09/2012 11:18

I would refuse to return them after contact. Just take them and go and go far far away. Then again I know nothing about your circumstances, if he had reason to believe they are not safe with you then that would be wrong.

BlackberryIce · 10/09/2012 11:22

He has parental responsibility?

solidgoldbrass · 10/09/2012 11:25

OP, have you any issues (MH, addictions) that made a court order him to have custody of DC rather than you? Because if he doesn't have a court order in place that he is the custodial parent, the police should be returning them to you. This man is not above the law.

Actually - are you in the UK or in some primitive backwater where women have few legal rights?

izzyizin · 10/09/2012 12:07

Have you consulted/instructed a solicitor who specialises in family law?

Are you married to the father of your dc? If not, is he named as the father on their birth certificates?

As sgb has said, unless he has obtained a Court order to the contrary, the police should return your dc to you without further ado.

Call the Rights of Women helpline here www.rightsofwomen.org.uk and also make contact with your local Women's Aid offices which you can locate here www.womensaid.org.uk for legal advice and support.

Original poster
DDebz · 13/09/2012 10:59

Thankyou all!
I was born in the uk and have lived in uk all my life, no addiction, absolutely no danger to my babies, Married, Parental Responsibility to both.
Can't take them if i don't see them. Police won't do anything because he is the father and the children are in no danger!
Nursery, after school clubs wont even discuss anything with me because hes told them not to!

OP posts:
AngelWreakinHavoc · 13/09/2012 11:01

The Nursery/After School clubs can not refuse to talk to You if you have PR.

izzyizin · 13/09/2012 11:16

How did it come about that your h was able to 'take' your dc and how long has this state of affairs continued?

The RofW helpline 0207 251 6577 is only availabe between 7-9pm tonight and I would suggest you contact your nearest Women's Aid offices and ask them to recommend a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law and who may be able to see you as an emergency later today.

scentednappyhag · 13/09/2012 11:21

I don't understand how he has just taken your children and left you unable to see them. How absolutely horrible for you Sad have you spoken to WA?

chatsworthy · 13/09/2012 11:57

Name changed because I am going to share some info about family members that I don't want outing in RL.

OP i feel for the situation you are in. Nobody wants to be separated from their children. Have you spoken to your family and/or your in laws? Did your DH say why he was going and taking the kids? You really need a good family law solicitor.

Other posters I am going to share what happened in my family because some of the above comments have really made me really worried. My brother did somthing very similar to the OPs husband. Had my exSIL posted on MN it would have sounded very like the OPs post. However, my DB had a very good reason to do what he did (wife was and still is an alcoholic) and was eventually awarded full custody of his children. I am not saying that the OP is not telling the truth but I find the assumption that women are right and men are wrong very worrying. If my ExSIL had done what Erik and NC have suggested god only knows what would have happened to my nieces. If the OP was a man none of you would have suggested that he take his children and run. The assumption would have been that his wife had good reason to take the kids.

notactuallyme · 13/09/2012 12:01

out of interest, if you split up after a marriage and dad sets up home with the kids, why would the police return them to the mother? If dad had PR and wasn't endangering them in any obvious way?

izzyizin · 13/09/2012 12:12

Quite apart from the 4yo, I'm finding it hard to understand why the police have not acted to return a 7mo baby to its mother and on what authority the nursery are refusing to speak to the baby's mother.

Unless he is in possession of a Court order to the contrary your h has no right in law to prevent you from having access to your dc, Debz, and FTR my advice would be the same to any married father who came to this board with a similar problem.

Teeb · 13/09/2012 12:19

I don't understand why the nursery and clubs won't communicate with you. Is there more to this story? when did you separate and when did he take over full time child care away from you?

I'm struggling to understand the sequence of events that have lead to this situation.

solidgoldbrass · 13/09/2012 19:39

Are you so frightened of this man that you think he is above the law? He isn't.

SweetSeraphim · 13/09/2012 21:01

Is there any possible reason that you can think of that would prevent you from getting them back?

SweetSeraphim · 13/09/2012 21:02

Why aren't you pushing for the authorities to help you?

WhatYouLookingAt · 13/09/2012 21:05

just take them back! What kind of mother allows her children to be taken and doesn't fight back? You don't need a court, you need you just act.

CoolaSchmoola · 13/09/2012 21:52

As both parents have PR the Police won't remove the children from the father as both parents have equal rights in the eyes of the law. The only way around this is to go to court for custody.

BUT

If the OP refused to hand the children back following contact then the same rule would apply and the Police wouldn't remove them from her. Again, it would have to go to court.

If there is no reason to stop the OP seeing the children, she has PR and there is no custody agreement in place then I'm not sure that the nursery could stop her removing her child from their care and taking him/her home. Would probably need the Police there and be able to prove her status though!

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