Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

Original poster

Telling your partner you were sexually abused

18 replies

anotherredwineplease · 09/09/2012 23:06

This is possibly a bit heavy for a Sunday night but am relatively new to the site and couldn't find another place to post it.

I was sexually abused by a close family relative when I was 7 yrs old. Last year (I'm 38) life just all got a bit too much and I ended up going to my doc, getting anti-depressants and being referred for counselling. The counselling helped me with the abuse and other areas of my life which had been getting me down. I was adament when speaking to my counsellors that I did not want to tell my partner about the abuse. My main reason for this was that I felt it wouldn't really achieve anything and I'd be doing it for kind of selfish reasons to offload stuff on to him. We're going through a pretty stressful time with financial/job worries at the moment and I didn't want to add to them. I know he would also be keen to know who did this and if he found out I can only imagine the repercussions. It really doesn't bear thinking about.

However over the past couple of weeks I've found myself thinking more and more about telling him. I feel like there is a whole part of my life and of me that he knows nothing about. I have pretty low self-esteem and poor self-image and whilst he knows this he doesn't know the reasons why.

I've been with him for 18 yrs, have an overall happy relationship though he isn't the most openly affectionate of men which does get me down sometimes. On the way home from the supermarket tonight I found myself in tears completely out the blue as I was thinking back on my childhood and I thought "Right, that's it I have to tell him". Came in the house went upstairs and went over to him and said "give me a hug" and he looked round and said " what have you done ?" I said "I just want a hug". And he said "I know you, you've done something"......It was kind of said in jest but I walked out of the room saying "I've done fu*k all I just wanted a hug".

I'll build myself up to tell him and then convince myself that nothing good would come of it. I don't intend to tell him who did this, just feel the need to tell him it actually happened to me.

OP posts:

Raspberryandorangesorbet · 09/09/2012 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoolaSchmoola · 09/09/2012 23:13

Have you thought about speaking to Victim Support (if you haven't already)?

They would be able to help you plan how to tell him, and support you or even be there when you do. They would also then be there for him, because he will possibly need support to come to terms with it.

I can't tell you whether or not you should tell him, but it does sound to me like you might feel a lot better if you do. That said, I do think that maybe speaking to someone like Victim Support will give you more clarity and help than MN can. They will be able to work through all the potential scenarios with you and help you work out what is best for you.

hungoverandembarrassed · 09/09/2012 23:13

A bit different, but I drunkenly blurted out some stuff about my past to my dp last night. I don't regret doing it, but I do regret doing it whilst drunk! Can't link to it on phone, but you can find my thread about it in relationships if you are so inclined!

I would recommend perhaps arranging a nice evening in with him, make sure the dcs are in bed, get a takeaway and a box of tissues on standby (but no wine!), and then tell him. I think that it is right for you to do, because you obviously feel the need to, and I'm sure he will support you. Hope it goes well.

Goldchilled7up · 09/09/2012 23:15

I'm very sorry that you've gone through this. It must be a big load to live with this without telling your husband.

When you say repercussions, does your DH know the abuser?

MNHQ

AllHailTheOlympiansMumsnet · 09/09/2012 23:17

Hi there
We have moved this to our relationships topic

thetrackisback · 09/09/2012 23:40

Do you trust your husband? Do you think he might know already or at least have an inkling? Will he give you support?

OrangeImperialGoldBlether · 10/09/2012 00:05

Think of it another way. Why the hell should the person who abused you be protected in this way? Why should he have a relationship with your husband that he would not have if your husband knew?

I can see why you were upset with your husband tonight. Could he see you were upset?

Original poster

anotherredwineplease · 10/09/2012 00:25

Thanks for the replies and moving the post too.

I know I've been a bit cryptic but the person involved is known to my partner and knowing him the way I do I honestly think all hell would break loose if he found out. It's not about protecting the person involved. I feel like a part of me has been kept hidden for years and I've been living a lie to a certain extent. As a person I know I am so much more than a survivor of sexual abuse but this always seems to come back to haunt me. I'm asking myself what I have to gain by telling him and I can't think of a single thing.

I don't think he realised I had been crying tonight. He can be a thick skinned big bugger some times but he wouldn't turn away like that if he saw I had been crying.

OP posts:

Original poster

anotherredwineplease · 10/09/2012 00:33

thetrackisback Yes I trust him. Sometimes he says things that make me wonder if he has an inkling but he's never came out and said anything. I think he would support me as much as he could. One worry I have is that he would push me to tell him who did this which is almost unimportant to me now. That may sound silly. That's why I'm questioning my motives. It's almost like I'm looking to offload all this on him without wanting to answer any questions he may have. And it's only natural that he would have questions I think, I would have.

OP posts:

OrangeImperialGoldBlether · 10/09/2012 00:35

Do you have children? And if so, do the children see the person who abused you?

reddaisy · 10/09/2012 00:36

I am going to have to post and run as I must go to bed. I just blurted it out to DP one day over a cup of tea not long afer we started dating as I just knew I needed to tell someone. I am so sorry you are going through this by the way. DH has been great and insensitive over the years in equal measures TBH. I have certain issues that he can make allowances for because he knows but I know it has deeply affected him as well. My abuser is dead so I suppose that simplified things but I had a massive reaction to my mother after I had my first child that was as a result of my viewing her as complicit in the abuse and I could not have got through that period without DHs support.

Just tell him if you want to and discuss the ramifications through with him. Good luck.

Original poster

anotherredwineplease · 10/09/2012 00:42

OrangeImperialGoldBlether - I have 2 children. They see this person every once in a while at family gatherings but are never left alone in their company. No one else in the family knows.

reddaisy thanks for your comment x I should be in bed too !

OP posts:

StandYourGround · 10/09/2012 00:46

another, are you me? I've had a lot of the same issues recently... I did tell my dh that something had happened to me as a kid, by someone who was several years older than me. I thought I had told him more at the time tbh, but it's taken me 12 years of being with dh to give any more information than that.

It seems I'm great at keeping everything in and praying for it to go away. But of course it doesn't and although it will be shitty and difficult to do, please do tell him.

This is something serious that happened to the woman he loves, he should know about something as wounding and deep that has formed part of who you are.

Original poster

anotherredwineplease · 10/09/2012 00:53

StandYourGround - Thanks for replying. Your last sentence has really made me think. I'm almost indifferent to the person that did this. It's all about me me me !

OP posts:

fiventhree · 10/09/2012 11:39

I really do think you should tell him. And make very clear that this is about you, not him, and that you dont want any control of it taken out of your hands.

sparklekitty · 10/09/2012 13:14

I ended up having to tell my (now) DH a few months into our relationship after I fell off the bed and hit my head while we were being intimate. Very weird but I burst into tears (very triggering) and ran off for an hour. He was in shock and had no idea what the hell had happened so I explained it very briefly. He didn't want any details but I'm glad I told him (later in the relationship had a bit of a break down and he was wonderful in looking after me)

I am very glad he knows, although we don't talk about it really. I do wish that I'd told him out of that very weird situation for him as he would have found it easier. Finding the right time is tricky tho x

dottyspotty2 · 10/09/2012 13:33

I was severely abused from the age of about 4 for 8 years old told my DH thye basics first night we got intimate as he guessed with my reactions to him you may be really surprised at his reaction to telling him I've only just had counselling in the last year and I'm 41 now so it took me that long to be ready to deal with it myself DH however has wanted to rip him limb from limb and warned him at my fathers funeral 6 years ago.

StandYourGround · 11/09/2012 12:26

How are you feeling, another? Have you talked to him about it?

Flip