I've stopped all contact,need reassurance,what happens next????

[nurseneedshelp]

Hi all, I separated from my ex 12 months ago due to DV.
Recently sold our house and gave him 50% of the profit, I've moved with our DC (DD 11 and DS 8) to my parents house. Have received NO maintainence since the break up!!!

There is a restraining order in place which my ex constantly breaks, he follows me constantly and gives me lots of verbal abuse,threats to kidnap the Dc and death threats against me.

The police have been useless and he is constantly being arrested and released without charge due to lack of evidence.

There's been no contact for 12 weeks due to ex's abusive behaviour and the Dc have been so much more settled and happy. They've rarely asked about their dad. However, he contacted my dad last week pleading to see the Dc as he was in court the following day and stated he was being sent to prison??
I reluctantly agreed,my Dd refused to go but my Ds went for 2 hours and came back upset,bring rude and saying inappropriate things. The ex dropped him off and then sat near to our house being abusive and making further threats so police called again!!!

The latest incident last week has prompted me to stop all contact for good. I've changed mine and Dd's phone numbers again today and have decided that contact is so harmful that I don't think he should see them at all.

Am I making the right decision?
What will happen now?
Will he ever get bored of stalking/frightening me?????

Yes you most definitely are making the right decision well done.

This man sounds seriously unstable and cannot be a good father/influence to his children at the moment.

I think you need to go and see your solicitor again. If your X is regularly breaking the restraining order it sounds like you'll need to go back to court.

(Presumably the plea to see DC before being sent to prison was absolute flannel then?) One to remember for future reference?

Go to the csa for maintenance

Wait for him to take it to court for further contact

Thankyou for taking the time to reply!

I rang court the following day to check, he was in court but it has been adjourned because he didn't enter a plea??

I had an appt with a solicitor last month who advised that I have parental responsibility and no action was needed because it was up to my ex to chase for contact and for 12 weeks i've heard nothing.

He's such a bad role model and my Dd came back stinking of cannabis last week when I stupidly agreed he could see him.

I really feel like this nightmare is never going to end! I've cone so far in the last year but still feel so unsafe.

Bugger the maintenance, just cut him out your lives.

I agree. I don't know what to advise but please don't buckle under pressure - yours is clearly an example where it is not in your dcs' best interests to continue a relationship with their dad.

He's always threatened that he would get full custody of our Dc and social services are still involved because the DV was quite serious (the last assault left me with a nasty head injury and fractured ribs) and they've reassured me that with his violent history and history of drugs he won't ever be considered for custody.

But I'm still really worried about it though, my Dd is terrified of him, he was quite emotionally abusive to her too.

The thought of losing my lovely Dc to that monster scares the absolute shit out of me.

Sorry to hear you're in this situation.

Keep detailed notes of what he's done, dates, your dcs' reactions etc as this will be really useful in preparing your statement if he ever decides to take you to court for access.

Definitely get the CSa on him.

Complain to the police, take it higher/further if you get no joy. Kick ass a bit here. Loads and loads of good luck and stay strong, you're doing so well and it's the right thing for you and your children.

Thankyou everyone!!! That has given me reassurance.

I've reported most incidents to the police so everything should be logged.

Not chased for maintainence yet as I was worried what his reaction would be but I've got nothing to lose now, he's got a really good job and earns x3 more than me!!!

Sorry to hear of your injuries, that must have been really awful for you and take some gettimg over. I hope you are recovering well.

YOu sound like you really need some extra support.

ARe you in regular contact with a solicitor? If so, go back - make an appointment tomorrow.

If not - or as well as - are you in contact with Women's Aid?

I am absolutely certain no court on earth would give custody to your X. I also think that, like many DV men, X says he would get custody - BUT he would never seriously want it. Far too much like hard work to actually care for his children full time. It is an empty threat he uses because he knows it a serious fear of yours. He is using it to manipulate and get at you.

I think if it at all an option for you, you and your DC would be much better off to break all contact for good. Might be worth talking to a solicitor about that?

Ok so your fear is that the courts are going to give full custody to a man who has a history of violence, has a restraining order against him, may be going to prison soon, that the older child (who is old enough to get a say) refuses to see and who smokes drugs around the younger child. This being the man that social services have said would never be considered for custody?

Seriously - stop worrying!

Just as MummytoKatie says! He's done such mind games on you, but he hasn't on us and we can see that he is talking absolute crap. There is no way on this earth that this man will get custody.

Have you recorded him, at all?

I think your doing amazingly well and should be proud for being such a good mum. Protecting your children is do important. If he upsets them then he shouldn't see them.

Until your children are old enough to decide if they want contact with their father I see no point in him seeing them to just upset them.

Keep notes/diary. If he really starts to be horrible I think supervised contact should be the only option

Don't worry. Applying for contact through the courts where the other parent opposes it takes months and months to even get to a finding of fact hearing. You don't have to go to mediation where DV is an issue, either. Where DV is proven, there's not a close relationship with the kids, and there are welfare concerns, he'd very possibly only get indirect to start with and then supervised after that. And they take notes on his parenting abilities in supervised. This all takes forever, and if he has a good job he won't get legal aid, either. He'd need to be really committed to go through it - it's hell on wheels. He doesn't sound like the committed type! He would almost certainly get some contact in the end if he were willing to jump through every hoop to achieve it and didn't appear actively crazy at the time, but it would take forever, and he'd need to go to all kinds of trouble first.

He has precisely nil percent chance of getting residence. Social services are aware of him, the police are aware of him, just no way on this earth. Children are hardly ever removed from a home as the status quo is usually better for them than disruption. In this situation that's true with bells on.

Go for CSA maintenance though. Your kids deserve that.

Also post on the Legal board, so you can be reassured by lawyers on this. None of the laypeople here can really know more than guesswork/friends & family experience, as family law is so complex and moves so swiftly. (But I'm certain on the residence bit. No chance whatsoever.)

Morning, thankyou everyone for taking the time to reply, I feel so much better for reading your replies!

He's played so many mind games over the years and I've got no confidence in myself so I've believed him???? It's really good to read "an outsider's" perspective as I've got no real life support.

I don't think for one minute that he's going to go to all that trouble if it's as long and drawn out as you describe, he won't even attend a parenting course or anger management as advised by SS and he's failed to attend the drug swab testing that was imposed by his probation worker!!

Thanks everyone

Let him do all the running re contact, if he's so anti doing anything suggested by the SS he really won't like going to an access centre for supervised visits so with any luck he'll fade away & leave you alone.

I'm usually very pro CSA in these cases but TBH personally I'd rather do without than have that vile man's money. Entirely your choice of course, depends on your finances.

Keep posting OP -as you say other perspectives do help clarify your thoughts.

If the mother opposes and there are any question-marks over the father, it is a VERY long and drawn out process, yes. And he would probably have to do the parenting courses and swabs before being allowed the supervised, never mind unsupervised. Check with legal, but really: a CAFCASS officer is always someone who was a social worker in the past, for at least two years. They are the people the judge listens to. For him to get limited contact would be a fight. Residence? No solicitor with any integrity at all would even bother trying.

I'd go via CSA because if your kids aren't having a father emotionally, then at least they deserve their money from him. And it isn't linked to contact in any way, so why not? Get what you can for them.

Nurse I second that you should keep posting.

But also that you should get some rl support.

Ring Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247.

They will talk to you over the phone or face to face.

Getting over DV is a hard thing and will be made easier and faster with support. Hopefully you'll find it easier to move on then and be a happy mum for your DC.

Morning Nurse hows things with you?