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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am an abuser and i want to die for it.

11 replies

Broken08 · 09/09/2012 20:22

You have no idea how much i love my DH, It is so much it hurts.

He knows this, He said "I know that you are obessed with me"

I feel scared, upset and angry when he is not with me, He doesnt show me any love not at the start or at the end of the relationship. He never wanted me around and he was talking about meeting up with another girl.

When we moved in together he told his friends that i would be his maid because i am a SAHM.

He flirted with a woman yesterday right in front of my eyes, We had an arguement today and i hit him, I also hit myself.

It is taking alot for me to write this but i just dont want to live anymore, the thought of not having to worry about whether he is looking/talking to another girl or cheating is killing me in itself.

I have been raped twice, i have never got over that.

I get excited at the thought of sleeping and never waking up, i just want him to look at me how he looked at the woman yesterday.

I want him to love me.

Help me please, i have nowhere else i can turn to, no friends and there is no way i am telling my family about this.

I know that i am a terrible person for hitting him but the anger just explodes everytime i think about how he was looking at the other woman, it kills me thinking about it.

It isnt the first time it has happened either, please help me.

OP posts:

TheFidgetySheep · 09/09/2012 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xales · 09/09/2012 20:27

That you have realised this is a good sign.

Your relationship doesn't sound healthy on either side. He shows you no love and is happy to flirt in front of you until you get to the stage where you hit him. Wanting him to love you isn't going to make it happen I am afraid.

Do you have DC? They shouldn't see this.

I think you need to live apart for a while so that you can learn to live with out him and obsessing over him and get yourself some counselling to deal with your history, anger and frustration.

If you can deal with all your issues you may see he is not such a good catch and not want him back.

JeuxDEnfants · 09/09/2012 20:30

Can you get some help... You need to work through the things that just you. You're in a vicious cycle. Thinking of you

Greensleeves · 09/09/2012 20:35

It's NOT HIM you are obsessed with, it's the feeling of being loved and wanted and secure

you have attached these feelings to him, and he is the wrong person

you need lots of counselling - real support from people who know how to provide it - and you need to care for yourself. Eat and sleep properly and treat yourself as you would treat someone you love.

I think you should start with your GP and getting some help to talk through the horrific experiences you have been through and the damage they have inflicted on you.

Don't start with the self-hatred and casting yourself as an abuser. Of course you shouldn't ever hit people - you know that - but you are not yourself at the moment and you need to get out of a situation which is making you feel worse and not meeting any of your needs.

Do you have a friend/sister/mum who could hold your hand while you talk to your GP or start counselling?

Romilly70 · 09/09/2012 20:43

OP, I am sorry you feel so low, however, just reading our post has raised a few warning flags for me regarding your H's treatment of you

He is playing with your head and emotionally abusing you.
He loves the idea that you love him so much, but it is unhealthy (on both sides)

You say you have no friends, I wonder if that is to do with your H isolating you?

May I suggest you read the first post on this thread and see whether it rings an bells.

Also, did you get any help or support regarding your two rapes?
I really think you need to give Rape Crisis a call, because i would suspect that you still have things to work through regarding your rapes and I think they would be able to put into context the way your H treats you. (It does not appear normal or loving to me. Calling you his " maid "?

LittleWhiteWolf · 09/09/2012 20:48

You don't sound like an abuser to me. Rather you sound like a very troubled woman who is not being supported by her husband, indeed it sounds as though he takes delight in jeering at you.

It is not healthy to be obsessed over one person and it is definitely not good that you get excited by the thought of dying. You need to see your GP and you need counselling; have you ever spoken to anyone in a professional capacity about those rapes? Does your husband know about them, your family?

SoleSource · 09/09/2012 20:50

Domedtic abuse is not on. Hitting a man is as wrong as the other way around. You need help and your DH needs to leave.

SirGOLDBoobs · 09/09/2012 20:53

I don't think you sound like an abuser. I think you sound like someone who is very lonely and in an unhappy (and unhealthy) relationship.

You need to speak to someone about your emotional troubles, your GP would be a good place to start. And also considering what you are actually getting from this relationship... Frankly it sounds like he treats you terribly, and that is feeding into your cycle of behaving the way you have described.

Do you get any support emotionally from anyone currently? There is obviously a lot going on for you to deal with.

sadwidow28 · 09/09/2012 22:21

Are you near a phone? I suggest that you phone The Samaritans and talk to someone rather than post here.

www.samaritans.org/

We will still be here for you, but I think you need to have voice interaction with someone fairly rapidly. It is okay if you cry as well, just speak to someone and try explain how you feel.

skyebluesapphire · 09/09/2012 22:36

I second sadwidow - ring the Samaritans - they have wonderful people who will talk to you, listen to you and help you.

Please see your doctor tomorrow and ask for help, especially counselling.

((hugs)) for you.

bogeyface · 09/09/2012 22:43

This is a very unhealthy relationship and your use of violence needs addressing asap.

But I am also worried about his apparrant delight in goading you and doing things that he knows will hurt you. A man who deliberately flirts with another woman, infront of his wife when he knows it will hurt her is not a nice man. A man who tells his friends she will be his maid is not a nice man. A man who is never kind or loving to you is not a nice man. A man who says that he would rather be with someone else is not a nice man. As another poster said above, it isnt him that you want, but someone who will love you unconditionally, as you deserve to be. Sadly, you seem to have married a man who is incapable of doing that.

I think you need alot of help, and the best way to start is to remove yourself from the person you are being violent towards, and the person who is making you feel so much worse about yourself. When you are away from this unhealthy environment, you will be free to deal with your demons without him taking you 2 steps back for every step forward that you take.

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