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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

We're doomed aren't we?

25 replies

whoopsfailedagain · 09/09/2012 17:29

This is my second marriage and only been married a few months....it all looked so promising and now its all falling apart already!

We just ont see anything the same way. it's just like last time. How could i get it all so wrong again!

Either we just aren't meant to be together of there's something seriously wrong with me. We've had aour 99th arguemtn this week and he's told me to leave.

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BlackTieNTails · 09/09/2012 17:33

how long did you know each other before you married

Schlock · 09/09/2012 17:35

Did you think you were reading from the same page before you married, did you even talk about it?

whoopsfailedagain · 09/09/2012 17:42

We were together 3.5 years before we married. It's not always been easy. But I thought we had the same goals. I just can bare it. I've got nowhere to go, not very much money.

It's all gone horribly wrong since we married. What have I done. Once is bad enough but twice clearly I'm just demented.

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lolaflores · 09/09/2012 17:45

I am struggling to see how you can spend 3 years odd with someone and suddenly discover that there are so many things you disagree on! When did it occur to you that history was repeating itself?
Were there no warning signs, at all?

lolaflores · 09/09/2012 17:46

How long did your first marriage last?

whoopsfailedagain · 09/09/2012 17:50

First marriage was 8 years together in total, but only married 3. It then trailed on a bit after we separated.

We have both been very very stressed due to work money children, but things are about to turn around financially in the next couple of months. Own business and new contract. Im struggling healthwise currently and he's not even slightly sympathetic. It came to a crunch today.

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whoopsfailedagain · 09/09/2012 17:51

Things have changed a lot since we've been married. I think he thinks he owns me Confused

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ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm · 09/09/2012 17:53

Does he think he owns you now you're married..has his way of treating you changed. Some people are like this..

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm · 09/09/2012 17:53

Sorry xposted

amillionyears · 09/09/2012 21:09

ok,going to be controversial here.
Have you changed each time after you got married,do you think?

whoopsfailedagain · 09/09/2012 22:23

Sorry for slow response! First chance I've had. Its been a hellish evening. I think I have changed a bit but in reaction to him.

For instance I've pretty much gone off the bedroom dept, but because of how he's being. I just don't feel comfortable any more. I am moaning a lot, but in reaction to him. I've tried being super nice but then I just feel put upon.

I kind of feel a certain amount of history repeating itself. I really don't want it to. But not sure how to stop it in it's tracks.

We had no honeymoon and went straight back to work 2 days later. We promised ourselves a summer holiday instead but it didn't materialise.

Maybe there's just too many things going on and no time to be a couple. So is it circumstances or him or me or everything Confused

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amillionyears · 10/09/2012 07:35

What things dont you see the same way
what goals do you have different now
what stuff did you agree on but no longer

BonnyDay · 10/09/2012 07:37

Why did you marry at all?

whoopsfailedagain · 10/09/2012 10:32

I married because I loved him. I still do. But he has turned into a bit of a control freak in the last few months. He has changed. Whether it's adjustment to married life I don't know. He's never been married before although he has been engaged before to other people.

Our goals I think are still ultimately the same. He's just not very nice at the moment. Hes turned into a bit of a big I am and making me feel a bit of a nothing. He never used to do that. This is all since we got married.

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amillionyears · 10/09/2012 10:48

Ah.This is going to make for uncomfortable reading.
I know of someone,not very well,who was engaged at least twice and both times the other person broke it off with him.And then he did get married.
The two people who broke off their engagements with him both said that he changed once he was engaged,and became more controlling.
I dont think I know you btw,as what I am describing happened about 15 years ago.
I think he is trying to control you.Im afraid I dont have all the answers.
Normally I would say put your foot down,but he may well scarper off to someone new.
Do you think his marriage means much to him?

whoopsfailedagain · 10/09/2012 11:35

Not uncomfortable reading at all. Am grateful for the input. The times he was engaged, they broke it off with him. Im not sure about the first but the second time she was the one to change not him. He was lovely when we were engaged in fact he was the one who pushed to get married. I would have let it carry on as we were for a bit. He now says though I pushed him into it Confused oh it's all a bit of a mess.

The way in which I'm comparing it to my previous marriage is that my ex was exceptionally controlling and abusive. My dh isn't abusive at all. Horrible at the moment but not abusive. I pushed my ex to be successful career wise and he was very. I've done the same with new dh and he has become very successful too! But last time my ex became arrogant and full of himself with his high powered job that he had no respect for me. I fear the same is happening all over again Sad

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Mumsyblouse · 10/09/2012 11:51

whoops I don't think you are seeing the longer-term. You can't just ditch a marriage every time it hits a rocky patch, especially not if you still love each other, because rocky patches are normal, and if you have a basically good relationship, they will pass. Even more so if you are going through a financially difficult time!

You sound very emotionally reactive- of course if every time you perceive a slight, you withdraw sex or start arguing, then your marriage will deteriorate, he will be reacting to your bad mood/lack of interest in him, you then react to his perceived faults and so you go round in circles.

You need to learn to be together, argue together, and cope with difficult times without the boat tipping over. This guy hasn't suddenly changed, what's happened is you have started having a difficult patch (probably after the rose-tinted spectacles fell off after the lead up the wedding). Your marriage won't survive if every time this happens, you all look for the way out.

I would get some counselling yourself to talk this through so you can start to hear what is triggering all this upset/reactive behaviour, and where things really lie.

But if you want to get married, never have cross words, never get stressed and take it out on the other person, never have a difficult time when you have financial stress/change, may I suggest you don't bother!

Mumsyblouse · 10/09/2012 11:56

whoops so, either you have picked the same type twice (but not noticed in the 3 years prior to this marriage) or, which I think may be quite likely, you are so keen not to repeat the mistakes of the past, that you are leaping on them with 10 tonne boots on and reacting to them, even though they may not be happening again in exactly the same way. It seems unlikely this guy suddenly starts treating you like 'nothing' and you admit you have gone off sex and are moody right now- you both sound as bad as each other.

Or, you may be right, you may have picked badly again, but I think it's a bit unlikely you never noticed anything wrong before you married, and the man hasn't had a personality transplant, it sounds to me like you are both feeding negatively off each other, but that doesn't mean it will stay like this if you make an effort to change.

amillionyears · 10/09/2012 12:14

Am I getting this right.First DH got propelled by you job wise and became arrogant and full of himself,so in effect changed.
Now you have done it again with second DH and the same thing is happening again,albeit without the abuse this time round.
So effectively you helped change their circumstances,which has in turn led them to change their personalities.
Have I got that right,before we see if there is a way out of it all.

whoopsfailedagain · 10/09/2012 13:08

Amillion you've got it spot on!

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whoopsfailedagain · 10/09/2012 13:32

Mumsy I've gone off sex because he makes me feel inadequate. I agree it might be a perception of myself too but he said some hurtful things about me being boring in bed when in fact I've just been Ill, have a baby and am very tired. Instead of being supportive and understanding he called me boring. I never have been boring in the past. He's only decided this since we've been married. I'm very anaemic currently, so feel pretty dreadful. He's not at all sympathetic just shouted and told he how stupid i was not to up the dr sooner. Blush

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amillionyears · 10/09/2012 17:53

heck.This situation reminds me of people who lose weight,men and women,who because they look better,feel better, have more self confidence,and sometimes think they can have anybody they want now,ditch their partners.
It might be a good idea to google that to see if it offers any hints and insights about what to do.
This is a tricky situation as you have helped change their circumstances for the better,and then they turn on you.
How much does he value your marriage do you think?
And what is the emotional situation like today?

Mumsyblouse · 10/09/2012 23:11

It just seems odd that none of this behaviour was exhibited before the marriage, that's unless you knew it was doomed before you were marrying (which I am starting to suspect unless he has had a personality transplant).

If you are anaemic you will feel terrible, so I understand (and he clearly doesn't).

I am not sure why you are in this situation again though, either you ignored the warning bells before marriage, or something else has happened, I suspect it is the having a baby which is much more likely to have rocked everything than being married.

whoopsfailedagain · 11/09/2012 00:09

The baby came nearly 6 months before the marriage. So I can't blame the baby. This is a problem since the marriage. And yes he has changed since we got married. I don't know whether things will settle down but it is a nightmare currently. Actually although we'd been through some rough times before we were very much united before the marriage. So not a personality transplant but definitely a shift in his thinking. I dont think he thinks he could do better so to speak than me. It's just perhaps he doesn't see me the way he used to. I feel very belittled currently.

Today was calmer but nothing resolved.

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whoopsfailedagain · 11/09/2012 00:11

I certainly wouldn't have married him thinking it was doomed at the start. That would be totally insane. I'm beyond the big meringue wedding with no meaning! I didn't feel u had to marry him. I chose to because I love him. Our wedding day was pretty perfect. It's just gone radially down hill ever since Sad

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