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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dh's friends taking over our life!

13 replies

bigwombat · 09/09/2012 14:40

Dh has a large number of friends, some closer than others, and he makes them very welcome which is obviously a positive trait in a person. This means every weekend and often on a weeknight, one or more friends or work colleagues are turning up, often unannounced, and spending several hours at our house. i often end up making food for them and chatting, when sometimes I'd rather be doing something else!!

I am less sociable and like my private space, and dd1 is the same. We have only one living area apart from our bedrooms, so if dd1 or I want a bit of time to ourselves, we have to go away to our bedrooms! Dd1 suffers from social anxiety too - while some of dh's friends are very friendly to her and chat away to her, she sometimes gets really fed up with the constant visitors and I feel the same. I also have dd2 who is severely disabled, and the arrival of the visitors isn't always at the best time.

Of course I have tried to explain this to dh, but he doesn't get it. He just thinks I am massively unsociable, which is not true but I don't want to always feel under siege in my own home, and it's not fair on dd1. Obviously dh is entitled to have people round, but to a more introverted person, it can be a bit of a struggle if it's nearly every day! If I occasionally have someone round myself, he will sit in on the conversation and take it over, or be very unfriendly and grumpy!

Is there any solution to this, given that dh does not seem willing to make any changes, and has just told me I 'do his head in'? :( or do I just need to get more sociable? (2 separate friends have just turned up within the last half an hour, but one did bring Jaffa cakes, so there are some plus points!)

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AbigailAdams · 09/09/2012 15:35

Well, I think he is being particularly selfish. He isn't the only person living in the house, so why do his wants come over and above everyone elses? It really isn't unreasonable to ask him to tone down the socialising. Especially if it is you running around after them providing them with food etc.

Which brings me on to my second point. Why are you doing this when it is his friends? And with all this socialising when does he actually spend time with his children and pull his weight as a parent?

And to say you do his head in is hugely disrespectful. It indicates your wants and needs do not feature in his priorities. How does that make you feel?

FermezLaBouche · 09/09/2012 15:53

He is being really selfish and I would feel exactly as you do. Your home is where you want to kick back and relax, and feeling like you have to "host" is wearing. (Even though it's DH's friends so he should be hosting!)

By the way, "you do my head in" is very rude when you're expressing your feelings. It basically translates to "you're telling me something I don't want to hear so I'm going to make you feel shit and invalid so I don't have to change my behaviour."

bigwombat · 09/09/2012 15:54

Well, it certainly made me feel annoyed and upset. He doesn't seem to accept my feelings are valid - he thinks I am wrong and need to change my views. He is naturally quite selfish, although does a lot to help his friends, which must be partly why there are always people here! It is hurtful that he doesn't want to do so much to benefit his family.

My children are from a previous marriage. He does help and get on well with dd2 who is disabled, allowing me time to spend with dd1. But he has no children of his own and I think he is still to some extent a bachelor in his head. Can't see any hope of this changing tbh.

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coppertop · 09/09/2012 15:55

For starters I would stop playing hostess. Perhaps if the arrival of your dh's friends meant work for him, he might be a little less keen.

Better to be an unsociable person than a selfish arse IMHO.

bigwombat · 09/09/2012 16:14

Mostly the friends just have cups of tea and dh does also make these at least. There's one friend who shows up at least weekly around dinner time and it's just become a habit to include him in dinner. I even think about this when doing the weekly shop!! The friend is very thick-skinned and just laughs off any comments such as 'I suppose you want feeding again?!' etc etc.

To be a little bit fair to dh, quite often the visitors want help with student work or he is helping them with exams etc, and he doesn't want to turn them away. Even he sometimes wishes a few less people appeared at the door.... The rest of the family suffer from this though.

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suburbophobe · 09/09/2012 16:35

Mostly the friends just have cups of tea and dh does also make these at least. There's one friend who shows up at least weekly around dinner time and it's just become a habit to include him in dinner. I even think about this when doing the weekly shop!! The friend is very thick-skinned and just laughs off any comments such as 'I suppose you want feeding again?!' etc etc.

Well, of course he's not thick-skinned at all, more like taking advantage of your good nature. The fact that he's not ashamed but laughs it off shows he thinks you're a pushover.

What gives him the right to think you have to feed him once a week? Stop shopping for his inclusion in the family dinner and just announce that due to economic hard times etc blahblah you will not be catering to him any more.

Are these people going to drop everything to help you and DC out when you might need it? Think about that.

I think you need a serious chat with DH about boundaries. And stick to your guns.

Your DH sounds very selfish and entitled to be honest, and to turn around and say to you "you do my head in" means he basically wants to keep the status quo and keep encroaching on you and your DC's personal space.

Tell him if he wants to entertain his mates to do it down in the pub! Smile and not use your house as a common room and "learning centre"

Jux · 09/09/2012 17:11

Sorry, we're just about to eat. Could you come back in an hour?"

Roseformeplease · 09/09/2012 17:17

Don't the friends ever reciprocate? Could you ask them? The one who comes for dinner could be told it is his turn to cook and your DH could go to their houses and leave you in peace sometimes.

bigwombat · 09/09/2012 17:20

Thank you suburbophobe, I think that just about sums it up! This friend has helped with childcare on occasion, and is just helping dh take a load of junk to the tip, but on balance it is a bit one- sided. He is irritating me a lot today!

I will try to encourage dh to go round to his friends' houses instead - have tried this before and it worked for a while. Yes, I need to look at boundaries and not be soft (never been good at that, how do you start??) Thanks all.

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Trifle · 09/09/2012 17:27

Do you ever wonder why your dd suffers from social anxiety?

It seems your very hospitable dh could be the key you both need to be more open and friendly rather than hiding away into the bedroom.

AgentProvocateur · 09/09/2012 17:28

If your DD suffers from social anxiety, surely having a kind hospitable partner is a good example for her?

AgentProvocateur · 09/09/2012 17:29

Cross posted with Trifle!

bigwombat · 09/09/2012 17:37

I do agree, there are plus points for us both to having a sociable husband. But sometimes it's too much of a good thing. A few of dh's friends have similar age children, and this is very good for dd1 when they also come over.

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