DH's Daddy Issues...

[ScarletLady02]

This is a bit of a long one, sorry if I drip feed, but I'll try and get it all down...

DH has some serious issues surrounding his father and it's been affecting our family...I'm not sure how to deal with it. His dad was very abusive (in a physically violent way) throughout DH's entire childhood. He was the only one who was treated like this by his dad (his 2 sisters and 2 brothers were never touched), although his Mum would get hit from time to time. The violence was so bad I don't doubt in this day and age he would have been taken by social services. He was hospitalised on more than one occasion with broken ribs etc. He used to sleep with comic books tucked round him under his pyjamas because he never knew when the next beating was coming (he remembers doing this at 5 years old).

DH grew up with a lot of (understandable) anger. As a teenager he would get in fights because he felt he needed to "prove" himself. He got in a bit of trouble and spent some time in prison because of an altercation (not completely his fault). He took this time to try and better himself and it totally turned his life around. He got educated (he was expelled from school) and kept his head down and has not been in any trouble since. We've been together for 5 years and he got out of jail about a year and a half before we got together. He was always very upfront about his past and I've accepted that he had it hard and has changed. I'm not looking for anyone to judge my decision to be with a man with this kind of past. I know he would never do anything to harm me or our child.

Basically the way it is now affecting us is that I fear he still has some serious issues to deal with. Recently he got into an argument with the partner of a friend of mine. Said partner was saying a lot of horrible shit about me (I was having an affair, I was doing this and that...all completely untrue and he DOES trust me) to wind him up. I could write a whole other post on this prick but I won't waste my time. The argument escalated and this man smashed a bottle in his face and DH has just about got rid of two black eyes and a big gash on his nose. It's brought back so many memories for him and I'm getting really worried. He says that every time he looks in the mirror he sees his Dad laughing at him...he feels emasculated and as if he has to defend my honour or "what sort of husband would he be"?

He's a fantastic partner and father...he's everything I could ever want or need, and I want to help him through this but I'm not sure how. He says he feels echos of the old him resurfacing and he's fighting so hard against it as he though it was gone for good. He knows it's an issue and has said he will go to the doctor tomorrow to see if he can get help dealing with it. He doesn't want to get police involved...that's just not him, and I respect his decision.

Has anyone else been through anything similar? I can see all this anger in him and, while he's never directed it towards me or our DD, I can see it tearing him up inside and it's all that violent waste of a human being's fault. I don't know how to help him.

It's good that he's talking about it, but he should have gone to the police. Firstly because smashing a bottle in someone's face is very serious - what will happen to the next person that man does it to? Secondly, because it sounds like he wants to do 'something' to the other person to defend your honour/ stand up for himself (because I think he feels he didn't stand up to his father). Either way, if that's how he feels it won't end well.
FWIW I think the incident should be reported, and your DH needs some professional help. If it makes him angry, then finding out about Anger Management in your area might be a good start for him.

I don't see how it can be reported now anyway, although I do think he should have done it. It happened two weeks ago, I doubt they'd do anything now.

Your point about him not being able to stand up to his Dad is exactly right. DH KNOWS this is why he feels the way he does. I'm trying to keep him talking as I think it's far healthier than him bottling things up. He's made a decision to stop drinking. The drinking isn't a major issue (he likes a drink but it's not constant or excessive) but he knows he would have walked away from the argument if he hadn't had a drink. He doesn't want to get himself in another situation like that.

You can still report it. People report crimes later than that after the event. It might close the book on the incident for him. Is he reluctant to go to the police because he thinks his past will colour their view of it and they won't believe him? It doesn't matter who started the disagreement, the fact remains that the other man assaulted him with a weapon. I really disagree with things like this going unreported because I worry what they will do next if not stopped.
Avoiding alcohol is a good idea, because it will be a trigger. It exacerbates your existing emotions, so if he is feeling down he is likely to get more miserable, if he feels angry it will amplify that.
He is doing well with this because he is facing it. some sort of couselling is a good idea though as he is going to end up spending his life avoiding social situations etc if this continues.

I agree, I'll talk to him about that, but I have to respect his decision.

He had counselling before a few years ago and it did help. I think he made the classic mistake of feeling a bit better so thinking he didn't need help any more if you know what I mean.

He's become pretty unsociable anyway. We have however met a new circle of friends recently which I feel has really helped him (nice people, not drunken
violent idiots). I needed to anyway as this argument has made relationships between me and my good friend difficult. She has a lot going on and we don't want to stress her out more by dropping all this stress on her. He's denied it to her (I've tried to make her see what a dickhead he is, but she seems to be blind to it...there's only so much you can do).

I just wish I could make him see that to me and DD he IS the bigger man here. We're not impressed by macho shows of aggression. This man hasn't "mugged him off" (sorry, he's from South London). He genuinely thought he was past all this.

You are exactly right. He is the bigger man for walking away. What this man did to him, would very likely land him in prison which is a past that your DH has had the guts to walk away from and change his life.
It sounds like you are both evolving your lifestyle, and changing your social circles to suit your needs and maturity. Does he do any kind of sport? Sport / the gym can be a good outlet for energy / aggression. It's a bit like kids too, the more tired they are the les you need to occupy their minds. So if you can wear him out physically, he should think about it less. Sorry I can't be of more help.

I dont know much about all this,but would DH punching a punch bag help to get some of his anger out in a non harmful way?

It's nice just to get it all out and talk about it to be honest delilahlilah.

There is a new gym opening here soon and he's talked about joining. He used to be a real fitness freak so I think it would be really good for him.

Thanks for your replies