I did it, I left DH, now I'm having a massive wobble! Need help staying strong!

[50000feet]

I have had 11 years of being with the man I thought i loved so much that I would die without him. Not a remarkable history, but two or three blips along the way where he flirted with others and had guilt trips because he had kids from a previous marriage that he left (grown up now). During these blips he always threatened to leave me (he left for 2 months once) and I always begged him to stay as I hurt so much! 2 years ago I started having trouble with my DD13 - autistic spectrum disorder and I was consumed by dealing with this, the worry and near depression at coping with the situation was immense. Not to get side tracked - this meant I did not concentrate on the marriage so it fell apart and for the first time, I did not care about him and his threats to leave me. Anyway the anger mounted in him and eventually I got sick of it so I rented a house and left. Felt brilliant!

Trouble is, 3 weeks of being away and feeling brilliant Has ended. Because he has not been in touch and is obviously moving on without me, has made me want him to and now I can't stop thinking about him. I don't want to feel like this, I want to hate him. I keep thinking about the good times even although I try and force myself to think about the last two years. Stupidly I have text him, about stupid things like I need access to the house to collect things, just to try and provoke A reaction, but nothing.

As I write I know I just want him to beg like I did and if he did I don't know what I'd do anyway. This is obsessive in my mind. How can I stop?

:( He sounds very childish , threatening to leave you if you don't pay him enough attention is a form of blackmail .
Let him sulk for a while longer . You will get more respect from him by staying away than you will if you go running back .
Stay Strong x

It sounds like you have made a great decision, so congratulations.

It's very normal to have a wobble or ten- part of the process. He hasn't been in contact because a) he is sulking and behaving badly or b) he is waiting you out to see if you will cave.
Make a list of all the great things that are possible now, that aren't possible with him in the picture, and then take yourself for a walk if you can. The wobble will pass- think of it like the cake you know you don;t really want at 11pm- if you don't go there, you'll feel great- if you do it, you'll feel shit.

Breathe deep and congrautlate yourself on doing so bloody well so far!

congratulate (pedant)

Trying hard, if I keep busy I can manage to divert my mind but then I get that horrible knot in my stomache and panic. Yes, your right when I text I feel shit as it does not get the reaction I want.

Having being away and having felt brilliant, I feel like I'm getting back to my old self where I want to have fun (even the libido has come back). I have friends etc and am having fun, but maybe it's the intimacy that I am missing? Just feels all confusing.

It's very early days . You are bound to be all over the place for a while .

How do you think you will feel if you give in now and go back to him ?

Elmofan. I have asked myself this question? And find it hard to answer. One half of me says get lost the other half thinks not go back but see if we can be friends again first. When I think about if I would meet him i think it's too early but maybe text and talk. We have an appt to go to mediation in 3 weeks and I really don't want to go at the moment. I went to mediation assessment last week and was surprised how upset I got when they started talking money and splitting things up - the talk of my jewellery got me all upset (things from my mum who I lost 4 years ago). It's not the cash, it's the cold business like finality part.

Why do you want him back when he was, as it sounds, frequently threatening to leave you?

Take the time without him to get strong as a person and you will realise he really doesn't matter.

Allpastyears. That's what I'm trying to do and I have not got a clue why I'm wobbling or feeling like this. Any ideas on how to get and stay strong? This chat on mumsnet helps as it stops me from being tempted to text him or even worse checking the e mail accounts. I could delete his number from my phone to stop me texting him but am scared I would check my phone every two minutes to check if he's text me and start feeling all disappointed. Wish I could change my number. Might try that actually?

The thing that helps me in situations like this is to think of all the 1000s of women around the country who are in the same situation and doing just fine.Stop texting him and go to the mediation - you need to think it's just 60 minutes which will be over the same as any other hour.

I've been through something similar. I didn't realise it could feel so awful to get rid of someone who cared nothing for me, and had hurt me so badly. You are great to start with and then..... Not great at all, and perhaps very needy (very annoying though that is).

Only time and some short term anguish will get you through, plus any support from anywhere you can get it. Do not try to go back! Please. There is a reason you left.

The best cure is a new man, but they never show up when you want them! :)

Thanks everyone, love this mumsnet, someone here when you need them to help you stay strong. Kept strong today because of you all! Work tomorrow for a week of Keeping busy - its sad when you want the weekends over! Trimmed the hedge today - my neighbour said 'you haven't half butchered that'.