How can i be more tolerant

[dizzybiatch]

I am at the end of my tether with DH

I risk sounding like a complete cow but the problem is his complete inability to follow instructions and his stupidity. Wish i could word it to make it sound less harsh but Im stuggling.

This weekend alone he has managed to break a 350 quid bit of machinery just by brut force, drive over our sons bike and completely mangle it, pour a whole bowl full of oil down the kitchen sink despite having on going problems with drainage (wonder why?)

I feel like I have no support from him only responsibility for him.

I gave him a list of 5 things to pick up from the shop. He came back with the exact thing it said not to buy. I had written 'DO NOT BUY XYZ CHECK INGREDIENTS FOR XYZ' . This isnt a new problem I have been allergic to this thing forever and we have been together 8 years. He knows, he just doesn't check despite it being written down.

I know people have bigger woes but tbh I am totally on the edge, i feel unsupported and like i have so much on my plate yet his only responsibility is his job.

He is intelligent enough, has a basic education to degree level, holds down a professional job although chooses to work p/t in a non stressful position since being made redundant from a very stressful job. I fully support this decision but it comes with a price. Biggest one being money. We scrape by and I spend a lot of time and effort doing budget food shops and preparing meals from bugger all. I guess this is partly why i get so bloody frustrated when he breaks things that cost money to replace and is careless with things like the drains which ultimately cost time and money to sort out.

Sorry if i sound like an intolerant cow but I just feel like i am banging my head against a brick wall.

I don't think your 'intolerance' is the problem here tbh

He's all over the place, making everything worse, seemingly without a care. Why tolerate that?

I don't think you are being intolerant. I presume he doesn't break things at his job? Or does things wrong because he doesn't read the instructions properly?

He is like it at home because you always sort his fuck ups, if he breaks something, you budget to replace it. If he fucks up the shopping, you go back and get the correct things.

You either stop sorting everything out for him, tell him you cannot do it anymore and it is making you unhappy and stressed. Have you shown him your household budget?

tzella what is the alternative to tolerating it? I have discusseed it calmly, I have cried my eyes out, I have screamed at him, I have been down right horrible to the point of saying he is a fucking idiot and where is his brain, doesn't he realise how mad he makes me. He just says I am being unfair, that obviously he doesnt do these thing intentionally. Its just accidents. He didn't mean to buy the wrong things on the list etc.

If he was a devious bastard I would think he was trying to drive me insane but he isn't. I think he just doesn't THINK.

I just feel to not tolerate him would mean leave him. Is it really justifiable to break up a family with young children because he is a complete doughnut.

fuckityfuckfuck I dont sort the things all of the time. He went back to the shop which is a 15 mile roundtrip. He went to town and took the mangled wheel to the bike shop and all the kids old the guy there 'dad ran over the bike'. I just hope he was embarrassed enought to be more careful next time.

I don't know if he fucks things up at work. I didnt used to think so but when he was made redundant it was partly because he was struggling with the pressures of the job and this made me question just how he copes at work. People would describe him as very laid back. I used to. But now Id say he is on another planet. He isn't always laid back. When the shit hits the fan he is the first to buckle.

sounds like a nightmare. if one partner takes part time work and loses income the only plus side is that they can contribute more at home to the work that needs doing there and the looking after and teaching of the children. doesn't sound like you're getting that benefit as he sounds incapable (or unwilling) to be of any use at home.

realistically do you feel in any way attracted to this man given how he is now? do you feel respect for him? partnership?

those are the questions as to whether you should be with him - not him being a donut - but where him being a 'donut' leaves your marriage.

But will it be you that will need to shuffle the budget around to afford the replacement wheel? and repair/replacement for the machinery that he broke?

I am probably sounding flippant, but I have been there. OH used to be just like your DH. He wouldn't stop and think before he did something, it was like he thought I could just pluck money out of the air to replace things. I now have to sit down with him at the start of the month and actually show him how much we left after bills etc. He isn't perfect now but he is more careful because he knows how tight things are

Also, me making OH spend an hour cleaning the outside drain helped stop him putting anything and everything down the sink

fuckity thing is my dh spent hours rodding shitty drains, hishands had blisters and he smelt of sewage for days... does he still chick fat/oli down the drain? Sure he does. Honestly feel like he is fucking brain dead. I find it so frustrating. It has made me lose so much respect for him.

When i talk to him he does this thing where he blinks and and moves his head backwards, like i am blowing hin his face iykwim, because its too much for him to take in. He feels bombarded. This is when i say more than one line! SO if i say 'dh could you cu the grass' its ok but if i were to say 'dh will you cut the grass, just do the back because the front looks fine. Oh and don't forget to use the long setting otherwise you'll kill the lawn mower' he just blinks and does the head thing. I know i am partly to blame but with 3 young dc i just dont always have time to spoon feed him.

If i sat down and went over the food shop budget it would go right over his head. He has never done a full weeks shop ever. Previously i have asked him to go to tesco for a few things, Potatoes and tomatoes were on the list and yet he comes back without them. I ask about this and he says 'they didnt have ANY tomatoes or potatoes'. Have you EVER been in tescos (huge 24 hour one) and they dodnt have ANY tomatoes or potatoes? I haven't.

swallowedafly I dont feel like we have a partnership. I feel like I am running a ship and he is a pretty useless member of the team. If this was a business and i was the boss i would have fired him long ago. Does that make me a horrible bitch?

I am just so frustrated by this. I feel like I am constantly pushed to the edge. I just dont know what the solution is. I have tried talking to him so many times that i feel it is now just wasted time.

His pace is that of a snail and he still does a poor job. Had friends round at the weekend. Asked him to help tidy house for them coming. I spent over an hour gutting dc's bedroom which looked like it had been hit by a weapon of mass destruction. In that time he put away 3 of the 5 piles of laundry that i had already sorted into piles. Maybe ten items in each pile. Even then half the things will be in wrong drawers. DD1 and dd2's items wrong way round etc.. Sometimes i find better peace in my soul doing it all myself.

I have a addressed this problem with him many times. I am always being 'unfair'. He thinks he pulls his weight and thats it. I suggested if he go I would manage better as I have no one to resent for not pulling their weight and government support would infact make me better off financially week to week than we are now. This makes me feel trapped, sad and frustrated.

Once upon a time i had a life, an education and a job, now after an 8 year break to have dc I feel stuck here and worthless.

Just thinking about this boils my piss. I could not even bear such incompetence. How can a grown man not follow a three-stage instruction? Aren't toddlers supposed to be able to do that? How does he function, even in his low-stress job?

Boss: 'Can you send an email to X, Y and Z, saying A and B.'
Him: 'Er, X, Y and who? Saying A and, what was it again?'

I don't think so.

However, this rant doesn't help you, does it. Except realise the problem isn't you being intolerant, but him being exceptionally irritating.

I feel you'd be better off emotionally without him, and that he could be 'crazy, loving' dad at weekends.

op,I am wondering if he has some sort of special needs,that may not be apparent at first.
I think if I were you I would post this over there.
Even if it doesnt actually come under that heading,they seem to know what they are talking about,and may have some other ideas which you could follow up.
My DH for example is quite likely to charge around fast and break something form time to time,but wouldnt repeatedly pour oil down the drain if he knew it was likely to block it again and also because he would be the one to have to unblock it

Okay, my guess is that before you got together his mother waited on him hand and foot and did everything for him. Am I right?

Fucking hell, he is far far worse then my OH was. Even at his most useless he wouldn't try to say there was no spuds in Tesco's

It doesn't make you a horrible bitch, it is incredibly frustrating and over time it builds up to something huge. If he isn't pulling his weight (no matter how much he says he is), then you, as you have said, are going to feel resentful.

Have you tried not doing anything of his? Look after yourself and the DC but leave him to it. Tell him if his washing isn't in the pile, it will be left, stop doing his ironing, if he leaves crap everywhere just pile it up somewhere out of your way and leave it. Kind of teaching him some responsibilty iyswim?

any chance of some time out for you OP? reckon you could do with a break to mull on what you want.

there is no law written in stone that says you have to stay with a man who drives you mad and adds nothing to your life.

there really is not.

have you seen women in their 50's with husbands like this? seen what they have become and what their lives look like? i think you need to question what you want for your life.

Thanks for the replies.

I do love him. He is a nice guy. He is very complimentary to me and tells me constantly he loves me. However I don't feel he takes on board what I say to him at all. I honestly feel this could tear us apart.

He is intelligent, he used to be the regional manager of a huge organisation and has rarely gone for a job interview and not been successful. He is well liked by most people.

I almost feel like he is on another planet. Like he is a toy with batteries running low. Im just not sure how to switch him on when I cant find the on switch.

His mother didnt wait on him hand and foot but he does have a weird strained relationship with his parents. Perhaps he drove them crazy.

I feel like a bitch for being so intolerant because he is just different to me. I am a very capable person and that probably makes things worse. i do all the diy stuff, fix the car, cook all meals etc. if something breaks Im the one who fixes it. I worry about him doing certain things because he is quite clumsy and can often break things accidently. His parents often comment on how he was clumsy as a child but then he is exceptionally tall and thought this was why.

He has gone today. Travelling to work. i told him not to come back that id be better off without him. He said maybe he would and then i'd be sorry. I said I doubt I would.

I often worry about getting sick, like really sick. If I am ever ill everything falls apart. He can only just manage the kids but on the rare occasion I have been sick he has dealt with the kids. All i hear is him getting ratty, shouting orders at the kids and when i had Norovirus and asked could i have a drink as i was literally bed bound and unable to lift my head, he rolled his eyes and said he was kinda up to his eyes in it.

As amillionyears said, does he have some kind of SN?
My sil has SN(not sure of the exact Name of it) like she has no sense of responsibility, doesn't always understand the full extent of the repercussions of her actions etc and it's been getting progressively worse as she's getting older(in her 30s now)

If he has SN it has never been diagnosed. He seems perfectly normal from the outside but living with him is a different story.

Im not sure what the correct term for how he is would be. Being Scottish I would describe him as glaikit. But ask him to spell anyword, the man is a dictionary!!

It does sound like either an undiagnosed SN, some kind of learning difficulty or that he is doing it on purpose and doing a very good job of making it look like he's not

Does he like to be the centre of your attention?

Has he ever lived alone? If so, how did he cope then?

(this would drive me demented btw. He'd have be under the patio years ago...)

Your DH sounds like the male version of me.

.

Childhood clumsiness got my attention.

It's not unusual for parents to dismiss or rationalise non-typical behaviour ('he's just tall', 'she's just being a pain' etc) ... and let's face it, if you do become concerned about dyslexia or dyspraxia or something, the typical response from authorities seems to be ....not much. Unless you're lucky.

Has he become like this recently or is it an old problem? If recent, he may be unwell.

If it's nothing new, I'd wonder if he had problems scheduling things, for example, if it takes him ages to read things, if he tends to get things out of order....?

What strikes me most, though, is his apparent lack of awareness that he isn't doing too well. We all mess things up, but embarrassment tends to follow if we do?

Sounds a bit like me, possibly inattentive ADD? I know people don't like thread diagnostics, but if his behaviour fits eg gets overwhelmed by incoming info, breaks things like I do unless I pay close attention, have had to train myself re fat down the sink then maybe having this as a hypothesis might help. Doing things like not telling him about one task while he's still doing the previous one, not having radio on while talking, might be of some use. And I have worked, but struggled to keep up with not so important paperwork even though I did my core duties well.

ladywordy the thing is he doesnt get embarrassed when he fucks up , he never feels he is to blame. He either thinks i am nagging and says get off my back or he says i am being ridiculous and I am making a big deal out of nothing/ being ridiculous thinking he is lying when infact there actually were no tomatoes in the whole of tesco!!

If we ever talk about stuff, anything at all where I say anything negative about him he just says 'thats not true', 'thats really unfair', 'im really sad you feel like that'. When infact no one is sadder about the situation than I am.

Do you think he believes what he is saying,or is he trying to cover things up .

Yes. That doesn't sit well with the rest, whatever the cause.

It's as if there are two issues: 1) whatever's at the root of his below average capacity for attention (shall we say) and 2) his minimising the problem, and blaming you - which is just wrong, whatever's happening in his brain. It's incredibly hurtful.

Interesting insight from Silver.....