separation affect on daughter

[patisserie]

Hello ladies
I hope some of you can give me some advice.

I separated from my husband yesterday. I am 99% sure it is the correct decision. He was completely blindsided but realizes things have been bad between us for a while. I felt he always took it out on our daughter, verbally, and I just couldn't cope with his constant criticism of her any longer. It broke my heart. he has admitted to feeling jealous of the relationship i have with her.

But this evening, I find I am now terrified how our 7 year old will take the news. It's not been broken yet. we wanted to wait a few days, he's gone to stay with his mum for now until we figure out what to do. It's all very civil. Despite everything, he loves our daughter and she loves him, even though she knows he's very tough with her. I guess I just want to protect her, but what if she blames me for 'taking daddy away'?

As a couple we have lost our way, lead separate lives and apart from our daughter, I feel we have nothing in common. It's such a sad situation.

Any advice on how young children take separation would be gratefully received.

Thanks.

Only you know the whole story and I can't say of was the right decision, but here are a few things that helped when my parents split, and a few that didn't

Only ever speak good of her dad to her. Never critisise or blame him in front of her. Use friends to off load onto.

Make it very clear to her that the split was not her fault, no one was to blame, these things just happen sometimes and it is possible for everyone to be happy after a split.

Make sure access to her Dad is regular and never a battle ground. If you need to contact her dad to discuss something about his parenting, do this when she is not able to hear or see you (through a window is awful as she will see you arguing and assu e it's her that's done something wrong

Find a way to be relaxed in your ex's company so that school plays, parents meetings, birthday parties and eventually her wedding are not times when she is worried if you will fight

If he finds someone else, help her cope with the new relationship, if you find someone new, introduce them really slowly and be careful about them staying over.

I'm sure you will do well and your DD will be fine. Remember that whatever you think about him, he will always be her dad

Hi Op

Can I just say that you may be worrying about something that will not happen, kids are quite resiliant, and the fact is she might be relieved, and maybe already know somethings up. I would say dont panic about stuff there is no evidence for as yet, if she shows stress, just let her know you are there to answer her questions and honsetly as you can, and lots of cuddles and stories at bed time etc.

thank you, thank you. This has helped enormously. I must not panic, I must not panic.. and she must not see me in tears.

Mine have been fine, but were 5 and 2 when it happened. They have adapted very well indeed.

She can see you in tears a bit OP - it would be odd if you weren't a bit sad and she will know you are not being genuine if you try to hide all your feelings.

If she is constantly criticised I suspect she might feel a bit of relief along with her inevitable sadness/insecurity. Lots of reassurance - but try for a balance and take your lead from her.

Hope gives good advice.