What the f*@k do I do now?

[dribbleface]

Last night DH and I had a heart to heart. We've not been getting on well and I've sensed things are not right for a while.

For information we have 2 children, 4 and 10mths. This year has been tough, financially and also as my dad is in end stage heart failure. Top this with a baby that will not sleep, returning to work etc etc and things have been hard.

Last night he told me he didn't particularly like me anymore, that he loved me, but I was miserable (I admit to being down a few times but in general I think I cope reasonably well). He said he was thinking of leaving. We chatted for hours (well I cried for hours) and he said he wanted to sort things out.

Today he got up as if nothing had happened, ask did I fancy a BBQ tonight. I asked if he realised he had brought my world crashing down last night. He seems to not get the seriousness of what he said.

I suggested marriage counselling (which he declined). I need to talk to him but have no idea what to say, and scared to start a row discussion in case he goes.

I'm just so so sad.

Didn't want to read and run. You don't sound like you have done an awful lot wrong apart from weathering quite a bit lately. Did he specify what he was unhappy about? I don't like you isn't v helpful of him

OP, my ex suffered from depression and I did say something similar to him. He didn't realise quite how miserable he'd appeared - in his head he was miserable and stressed, but he believed his outward demeanour hadn't changed. It had! That gave him the impetus to seek help from the doctor.

I found it really brought me down living with him - I felt just as depressed as he felt and I didn't have a problem with depression.

Do you think you are (quite naturally) suffering from depression?

He said that I was miserable, that he's clearly not making me happy, he wasn't happy.

He really doesn't get how to give emotional support. I will admit the last week or two I've been a bit off but he basically really critised my parenting (we are having health issues with DS1), and he implied he was not gaining weight as I didn't force him to eat, he didn't like doctors because I take him too much, and that he misbehaved as I wasn't tough enough on him. It makes him sound awful but this is out of character for him.

I do wonder if he has had his head turned by someone.His best mate had recently left his long term partner and being living the high life and doing all the things they used to do together, i think he resent his family a bit.

orange - I have wondered this myself. I had PND with DS1 but up until the last month i think I've been fine. The last few weeks I have wondered if I might be depressed, but have only been so down as could see this coming. I've had a chat with my friend (who is honest) and she said that I seem to be fine, last time she noticed. She feels that as he has never experienced illness/death of a loved one (he still has all his parents/grandparents and they are all well) that he has no understanding of how watching my dad slowly deteriorate over the past year is killing me.

OK, it may not feel like it but in my opinion what has happened is a good thing. Your DH has come to you and opened the door on a difficult conversation.

The main things you should take from this:

he is struggling with coping with life with you as it stands, but
he loves you
he wants to sort it out

Now the ball is rolling, keep talking, and thank him for sharing this with you. It is not easy to approach someone you love and start a conversation like that. I am sure there are issues on both sides, as all relationships have those, but you can fix them if you share what's in your heart.

Be kind to each other, try not to finger point and accuse, and really try to listen without interrupting and getting defensive (I'm rubbish at that....!).

I think you'll be ok. Your DH sounds like a decent bloke.

thanks panic - we've both avoided the subject tonight. But your right,we do need to keep talking

Yep, he's had his head turned and he's exhibiting the classic signs of finding fault with his ball and chain dw.

Don't go worrying that you may be at fault because there's nothing wrong with you, honey, and don't knock yourself out trying to turn his head back because it can't be done until he realises what he's in danger of losing.

If you want to speed the process up, tell him that as you don't like him at the moment and as you're not sure that you can love someone who doesn't like you, it will be better for all concerned if he lives elsewhere for while.

Should he take you at your word and move in with Mr Living the High Life, don't fret - he'll be back.

OP I'm so so so sorry. I have nothing valuable to say but I didn't want to read and run. I'm sure people on here will offer good advice.

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In saying he is struggling with coping with life with you as it stands I'm not sure where panic is coming from.

Has he had his fair share of sleepless nights with his baby? Has he taken ds1 to and from the doctor? Does he look after the dc to give you time to have regular one-to-one's with your df? Does he pull his weight around the house? Was he proposing to shop and cook for the bbq tonight? What has he done to take the pressure off your return to work?

Cherchez la femme Trust your instincts, honey. It seems you know there may be considerably more to this than meets the eye.

Well, sometimes it is very difficult living with someone who has been going through a hard time, that's all. Not every partner who wants to discuss a problem or has had thoughts of leaving is having an affair.

Perhaps he is, we can't possibly know, but I always think sitting down to discuss problems is a better start than kicking someone out.

Maybe your DH feels like he's finally got everything off his chest, has finally said it out loud and the weight of the world has been lifted. Maybe that's why he's quite happy this morning and planning a bbq.
If u poor water on this and demand 'a talk' u r just going to confirm in his mind what he has said, u r miserable party pooper. Don't let it. U r not.
Be strong, nothing u can do right now, take stock, be brave, smile and make a huge effort today to be the carefree wife and enjoy the bbq.
U don't need counselling, u just need to put the fun back in to your marriage.

Thanks everyone. Differing opinions and they are the scenarios I keep thinking over. I don't think he's playing away, possible he has had his head turned but not acted, he's not really been anywhere lately. I think he is relieved he's said it, I'm trying not to dwell on it and look forward, I'm just hurt i guess. Will try to talk to him about it later, without making a huge issue of it. I'm doing ok, i can try to make things work, but i can make enough effort for me, not for both of us. I'm not perfect but I'm not taking all the blame for how he's feeling. If that's not enough for him then i guess he'll move on, i will be devastated, but we'll survive. I know for sure that he'll make sure the boys don't miss out as much as possible, as will I.

I decided that I needed to act, say something. So I thanked him for being honest with me, that I recognise that it was hard for him too. I then told him that yes i've been miserable but I was not going to take more than 50% of the blame. I spent a long time chatting to him about how his lack of emotional support makes me feel, and that maybe if I got that I might feel happier. I owned up to the fact that I spend so on putting on a front for everyone else that he gets the raw deal. I also said that we were both guilty of neglecting out marriage, but that I thought that our wedding vows were true today and that, yes things have been tough, but that being married can be hard work.

I told him that on Friday he destroyed me, my security, my hopes and dreams and that he couldn't expect me to suddenly want to work on it, without me being sure that he wanted to. Not because of the boys, but because he wanted to be in a relationship with me. He just kept saying he loved me, but I said thats not what I asked, you can love someone and not want to have a relationship with them. If we were to work on it I needed to be sure, because if not he could go, that I would let him see the boys whenever and that, yes I would be devastated, but wouldn't hate him (might have lied!). He didn;t say anything, so I said ok, think I have my answer. he said that he wanted to say lots of things but couldn't and that he didn't want to say what I wanted to hear, but wanted to be honest, and not just repeat what I said. I backed off, said ok, well when your ready to be honest, let me know.

We went to bed, he cuddled me, told me he loved me, his life would be empty without me in it and that he desperately wanted to make things work. I'm ashamed to say I turned into a sobbing wreck at that point, as did he. We cuddled, one thing led to another and this might be to much info but we had the best sex we've had (most likely ever). I joked that if we were gonna start working on our marriage, we might as well start with something we we're good at!

I know its only sex but I needed to feel close to him. So today I feel a bit more positive, I don't know if we can work it out, but i know he wants to. I'm trying to be positive and think that maybe we will come out of this stronger?

I want a magic wand to fast forward a few months and know the outcome, I need to know. So my challenge now if to try to move forward, smile and stop crying everytime he looks at me. I told him that I do this as it breaks my heart to think he doesn't feel the same as he did, it hurts so so much

Hmm, I am sure some wiser people will be along shortly, but I think terrific sex after finding out this kind of thing (whether trying to leave or affairs, or the do I really love you stuff) is quite common - might be called hysterical bonding??

Just don't get blinded by it. In bed at the end of the night he told you what you wanted to hear. Is he still saying it now? Have his problems that existed yesterday gone away now?

Oh dribble, I've been there. I went through the exact same thing with my H, and like yours he wouldn't answer the pertinent questions. When you said in your OP that he wanted to work on it, I thought great, not so serious, but now I have big doubts.

I think he does love you, but I now think izzy is probably right.

I have no advice for you, but I can tell you what I did. I set him free, told him to follow his heart and be happy, and he did. He went on holiday with his OW. When he came back I filed for divorce, amicably. I didn't hate either of them, I just felt sad. Then he came home. That's where we are now, home, together, and trying to start again. It will always be different, but we are probably closer and more sensitive to each other now, and I am stronger and more independent. I was half way to a divorce and was surviving, so that prospect no longer scares me. The reality of separation is not nearly as bad as the fear of the unknown.

hysterical bonding, that's about it!

I am pretty certain there is no other woman, checked his phone a lot and no deleted messages (he does not know they show on his call logs). Did see a text to his newly single male mate that basically told him that he had responsibilities and that he couldn't live it up like friend was (sound resentful but wasn't like that, was in a series of texts about going away). It is his mates number as I have it too.

We are still working through it, he was pretty shocked when I suggested that maybe I would not stay if he really didn't like me. We are going to work at it until after xmas (my suggestion, said I could not live walking on egg shells thinking the next minor niggle he'd bugger off, he said 'but we sorted it out' ermmmmm no you can't say something like that and expect to fix it overnight)

Reading a book suggested on MN elsewhere in relationships 'why woman talk and men walk' and it could be written about me and DH. I am reading him parts (he is dyslexic at his suggestion).

I am not naive enough to think its an easy path ahead, but I'm doing the best I can to sort it out. If that is not enough, or he wants to go, then so be it, I will be devastated but I'll survive. Feeling strong and able to cope whatever the outcome.

Thanks for all the advice.

I wish you the best of luck. You have been an opportunity that my H did not give to me. He decided all on his own that the marriage was over, that he no longer loved me and walked out.

If he had talked to me a couple of months earlier then it might never have come to this. He walked out at Easter and my decree absolute will be filed any day now.

Kepp talking to your partner. It's the only way..

Sorry to hear that that skyebluesapphire

In a way I am grateful he was honest with me (although could have been a tad more gentle). We have both not been happy for a while, I think we both neglected our marriage.

We will keep talking. If things are not salvageable at least I've given it 100%.

Just to top off this month, DH job looks a bit shaky, redundancies and 4 day weeks.

Yes, keep talking. After he walked (in feb) we talked for around six hours and he agreed to come back "but no guarantees".

Sadly for me he was texting his mate's wife at least 100 times a day by then and he left again six weeks later at Easter.

We had a rough couple of months, stressful work, illness, aunt dying from cancer, but he just withdrew from me and blindsided me by ending the marriage.

So that's why I say keep talking, be honest. I would give anything to turn the clock back to this time last year.

I plan to. I really love him with all my heart but can't do anymore.

I had a long term partner tell me he didn't love me anymore (was out the blue but looking back should have seen it coming). He was having an affair (although strangely wouldn't admit it even years later). I was utterly broken and the pain and anxiety is still very memorable. I met DH 6 months later, went on a date to get back in the swing of things and found my soul mate . When DH started the conversation I had that sick to the pit of my stomach feeling that was all to familiar.

I'm sorry your having such a bad time.

Sorry you have been through it before and the same as me. All indications point to my STBXH having an affair, texting and emailing her secretly behind my back... But they both deny anything is going on and his best mate is happy with it.

I hope it's nothing like that this time for you. My friend just had a similar conversation with her H as he was feeling neglected and again, I told her that she was lucky to have a chance to fix things...

I just want to wish you luck. I do hope it works out and sometimes that's what is needed. that first convo you had was like a kick up the arse so you both realise you have to make more of an effort.
It takes 2 to work at a marriage
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