Is my marriage toxic or normal?

[TooMuchRuddyChocolate]

And what the hell IS normal anyway?

I don't really like my husband. He's depressed. But he's also lazy and can be very unkind.

I have friends with very happy marriages. I know that I don't know what goes on behind closed doors etc, but some relationships just ooze happiness and kindness and partnership.

Every time my husband says something unkind or gets angry over something small or sees me struggling with tiredness (early waking children) and doesn't help - a little bit more of the love I once had for him goes.

I feel numb quite a lot. I see friends and family and have such a brilliant time. But I quietly dread time with dh. It so often ends in a row. Over nothing.

Obviously there's much more. But anyone who's reading, tell me - is it normal to feel like this? Can I go from numb and dislike back to actively loving him? I try to love him. I want it to work. But sometimes I think about how much easier it would be on my own. I feel like a single mum much of the time anyway. I went away with dc but not dh and had a fabulous holiday this summer. Someone asked how on earth I coped without dh. I was lost for words. Wanted to tell the truth - it was easier! Dc were tiring as usual but no stress from dh made it so much easier.

I think, sadly, it's all too normal for some people to get lazy in a relationship, stop trying, even stop being kind. If it wasn't normal for it to happen or normal for their partners to get fed up with being treated badly, the divorce rate wouldn't be as high as it is.

Can you go back to loving someone that doesn't reciprocate? Why would you want to? If he's depressed, is he getting treatment for it? If he's getting treatment and he's still lazy and unkind, you're under no obligation to put up with it. Marriage vows are meant to be a two-way street, not a life sentence. Single life, as you've discovered, is better than a miserable one.

Thank you Cogito.

He does love me. He just has problems doing "marriage". His parents have a long and very unhappy marriage.

He is having treatment (meds and therapy). Will see how things go...

How old are your children? When they are small I think it is usual for resentment and exhaustion to take their toll. Do you spend any time together as a couple on your own without the children? I think without that it is very difficult for any relationship to weather the challenges that having young children brings, even without mental health issues.

What is positive is that he is having therapy and meds - that doesn't address your feelings though. What about some therapy for you, or joint sessions? If that's not an option maybe write down what your are upset about - sometimes it helps just to get it down on paper and clarifies your thoughts so that you can sit down and talk to your husband about it - it sounds as though there may be misunderstanding and resentment from both sides which won't go away by themselves. Evidently your relationship hasn't always been like this? what is your husbands relationship with your children like?

It isn't difficult or hard work to be kind and loving. That his default attitude to you is to be unkind and nasty doesn't say he loves you to me. He might say it, but his behaviour says otherwise.

He seems determined to recreate his parents' marriage - is that what you want?

How old are DCs? When you see people advise that life with small children can be really tough, this is the sort if thing they mean. You have even more to cope with because if your DH's medical condition, though it is good he is getting treatment and I hope you will see positive effects from that in the coming weeks.

Meanwhile, are there any changes you can make to improve things from your pov? Tiredness is a killer (sleep deprivation is a torture technique for a reason). Are your DCs safe to be loose whilst the adults sleep? Can they eg turn on the telly and stay on the sofa watching until an adult emerges?

I can't tell from your post whether he is behaving like this due to his depression. When you married your DH what did you like about him? Do your family and friends know about these relationship problems? I hope you can work things out.

Sounds as though you've been miserable for a long time and when he's out of the picture (like your holiday with the dc) you feel more like yourself. That's a really big clue.

I think your marriage sounds dead in the water and as though it's sucking the life out of you, too.

What about separating to see how you go and reassess after 3 months?

"He does love me. He just has problems doing "marriage"."

From what you describe, what he has a problem doing is 'love'. Love is not simply an emotion, it is a way of behaving. When you love someone, regardless of whether you are married to them or not, you treat them kindly, with affection and with respect. You care about them and you want them to be happy. You don't subject them to unkindness or treat them as your dogsbody. Even if you're sick or unhappy, you make the effort. It's pretty basic stuff.

Without being backed up by action 'I love you' is just words.