Feels like the last straw

[Moominsummermadness]

DH has got a problem when he drinks too much beer in that he sometimes wets the bed. He hadn't done it for years, but it's started again recently. I didn't want him to go out tonight, as I'm over 38 weeks pregnant, and was worried about either not being able to contact him, or him being drunk when I needed his support. He went anyway, and he did come home at a reasonable time, and didn't seem to drunk.

However, he woke up, and went downstairs. After 5 minutes, he wasn't back. Just in case, I reached over and felt his side of the bed. There was a big patch of urine. I called down to him, he came up, but didn't understand what he'd done, acted like it was somehow all my fault, and refused to help clean it up, turn the mattress over, or put the sheets in the wash. I'd already changed the sheets earlier too. So I've had to do all this myself, at 2am. I've told him he needs to apologise, and make it up to me tomorrow. He swore at me and told me to get lost.

He has been treating me like the hired help since I went on maternity leave 5 weeks ago. He's stopped doing any housework or cooking, as his excuse is that he takes our 3 DCs to school and works 4 days per week. He is an untidy person and doesn't clean up after himself, and I can't stand the mess so end up doing it. He won't do any gardening either, our garden was in an embarrassing state, and I can't do it as it aggravates my SPD. His parents have been and sorted it for us, and done several other big jobs.

I do love him, and we get on well most of the time, but I'm reaching the end of my tether. All he does is play World of Warcraft for up to 7 hours at a time, watch TV or play on the PS3 or goes out to play badminton. Him wetting the bed disgusts me. He only drinks on a Friday night, and doesn't have a drink problem as such, but I hate it. I feel like I don't want him anywhere near me as he seems to have so little respect for me. I don't know what to fo.

If drink causes negative behaviour that wouldn't happen when the person was sober, then drink is a problem. I'm sure your DH wouldn't voluntarily piss in the bed, yet despite the fact that beer causes him to do that he still drinks. Which indicates that he values drink over his own and your comfort. Pissing in the bed is absolutely disgusting and he should be mortified and at least clean it up, but instead he just swears at you and expects you to do it.

What was he like when your other DCs were due?

He has no respect for you at all. But you are about to have dc number 4 with him so you must have been putting up with this for a long time. I can't see him changing, can you?
He's a dirty minging bastard for refusing to help you, and a twat for swearing at you and not being sorry. I would be tempted to kick him out for a bit but maybe not 2 weeks off the birth. Sympathy.

It actually sounds to me like you have 4 children already

I'm sorry but if he drinks to the point where he pisses in bed, then he DIES have a drink problem, even if it is only on a Friday

Sympathy for you op, but read the other "drunk husband" threads that were posted last night too.

Is that what you want out of your life?

DOES not DIES

It is exactly like I have 4 children already. I was actually having the conversation about it all with his mother yesterday, saying that he seems to see me as a mother to him rather than a wife. He won't change, but he definitely been worse since I've been pregnant. My oldest two DDs are his stepchildren, so he obviously wasn't around when they were born, but I remember going through the same sort of thing around the time DD3 was born. He actually stopped wetting the bed for about 5 years, but he's done it twice in the last 3 months.

It doesn't help that when he gets asked to go out, he likes to keep up with everyone else in terms of number of drinks. He has a large group of friends who all binge-drink quite a bit, and he'd gone out last night to see his friend who is over from overseas for a short while. DH always gets in a state when he sees this particular friend. His family also drink a lot on a Friday night, it's almost ritualistic. We usually end up being asked to go to his brother's or sister's house, but recently I've either stayed at home with DD3 (the other two go to their dad's on Fridays), or leaving H there and coming home at about 11pm. Purely so that I don't have to see/put up with him in a state.

I did seriously think about kicking him out for a few days last night, but I don't think that would solve the issue. I don't want us to split up, I already have one failed marriage behind me at the age of 32. I just need to find a solution. I'm going to start by writing a household chores timetable, and get him to agree which ones he will undertake, especially while I'm recovering from the birth. I'm not sure what to do about the drinking issue. He's better if he sticks to wine, so maybe if he is going to drink, he will have to compromise and not have beer, and NOT this side of the birth from now on! He won't stop drinking, so I'm not going to win by dictating to him that I can't.

In the cold light of day, it probably seems like a trivial issue compared to some of the awful things other people go through. He isn't abusive like my ex was, and I know he does love me. But he does have to make an effort.

You have to be prepared to get rid of him if he won't, as letting him get away with his bedwetting and laziness will give him the impression that you are prepared to put up with bad behaviour from a man just so you don't have to be single.
A failed relationship is not that big a deal and it's a lot better than staying with an alcoholic you have to look after, who may well become abusive.

He loves you? And this is how he shows it? I don't think this is trivial at all.

What was he like when your first DC was born? Did he help then or did he carry on expecting you to do it all? What is he like with your other children?

And what do his parents think about his behaviour? (Even if drinking is part of their family life, do they all take it to such extremes?)

And there is no way in hell he would be in my bed if there was a chance he was going to wet it! Does he not realise how revolting that is?

It's not trivial, it's vile. He should have been falling over himself to clear up his mess and somewhat ashamed.

Trivial? No it's not! It's unreasonable and disrespectful behaviour. So what if you already have one failed marriage behind you - do you really want your kids to grow up with a man like that?

If this idle git point blank refused to get his finger out to clean up after he'd pissed in your shared bed can you seriously see him compromsiing on any issue, let alone that of sipping wine in a pub while his mates are downing pints?

When the problem is a self-entitled twat who believes his dw is there to wait on him hand and foot, the only solution is to cease catering to and for him and let him shift for himself - preferably in an establishment on the far side of fuck.

Don't let the thought of 2 failed marriages at the age of 32 deter you from kicking his arse into orbit. You've got a long way to go before you join the ranks of serial marriers such as Liz Taylor and I suggest that if he continues to consign you to the role of housekeeper, you take a leaf out of Zsa Zsa Gabor's book and keep the house after you've booted him out of it.