Divorcing - should I be nice or nasty?

[Halfcups]

In a dilemma and would welcome your thoughts please! Bit of background first....married for six years. Three children 5, 3, 1. DH married before with teenage DD. met in London where I m from. After two years DH wanted to move back north to be closer to his DD1.
I left my job, sold up home and moved 250 miles. As soon as he got here he had regrets. He has transferred from one brigade to another, he s a fireman, and is closer now to his parents, daughter and home town. Relationship between us deteriorated. When pregnant with DD2 he was awful. Abusive, etc. started living almost separately within the same house. He would not talk to me for days,not even say hello. He was always critical of how I kept the house, that I d put on weight etc. I was very isolated. In the end I made him leave which was tough as he refused to go but in the end he did.
Even Relate refused to work with us as they said our relationship was so unsafe and that in order to get counselling we had to live separately. So the understanding was he would live elsewhere, see the kids regularly and we would go to counselling.
No sooner had he moved out he told me he was seeing another woman, also married, and he did nt want to work at our marriage. I was devastated. Felt so humiliated. He now has moved back to his home town (an hour drive away from me and DC). He is living in his own home, a property he has owned for years. Having his garden landscaped And the house extended,etc,etc whereas we are living in rented accommodation which is in receivership so no real security, I m on benefits and we have a handful of acquaintances met via mum s in the school playground. Now he wants me to get the divorce under way as he thinks I ll get legal aid where as it would cost him if he got it under way. I m so confused as to how I should proceed. Half of me wants to pursue a calm and quiet process whilst the other half of me wants to take him for every penny he s got. Money and possessions are very important to him so I know it would hurt!! I don t want to be a doormat any more but at the same time I don t know if I could cope with his angry response if he thinks he has to share his house, his pension, assets from his parents with me. I don't know what to think........

It's not about nice or nasty, it's about need, and upholding your right to a fair share of the matrimonial assets based on your respective needs.

Get reading, and get some good legal advice. Don't whatever you do allow yourself to be browbeaten by this man. Your future and your children's futures rely on getting a decent settlement.

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links

General

Read everything you can get your hands on. Get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and try to get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor. Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children?s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) ? not the other way around. Children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities. A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance)

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:

www.resolution.org.uk/

You can also find family law solicitors here:

www.lawsociety.org.uk/areasoflaw/view=areasoflawdetails.law?AREAOFLAW=Family%20law&AREAOFLAWID=36

Check your eligibility for Legal Aid here:

legalaidcalculator.justice.gov.uk/calculators/eligiCalc?execution=e1s1

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if any recommendations or feedback exists.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation.

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/Endingamarriageorcivilpartnership/Planningadivorce/DG_194401

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question. If you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

static.advicenow.org.uk/files/benefits-and-livingtogether-2010-11-1161.pdf

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights are further explained here:

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you can, and take copies. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

Handy tax credits calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Child Maintenance Calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Further advice and support

www.maypole.org.uk/

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships
(Re Shelter, if you are not in England follow the link at the top)

Stop thinking about you being nasty or nice, and start thinking "how will I provide a stable home for my children for the next 17 years?"

What you want is immaterial, what he wants is immaterial, you have children, and you need to do what's best for them.

ANy guilt trips and hard luck stories you hear must be viewed in this context. Get whatever you can to ensure a decent standard of living for your children.

Basically you can't trust a word he says so don't engage with him directly. If he is aggressive in any way, inform the police. Save any nasty texts or emails or letters: while evidence of abuse might not get you more money it might get you the right to live in the family home with the DC. Mediation is not appropriate when there has been abuse so don't waste time on it.
Best of luck. He is not all powerful and he doesn't get to 'win'.

Thanks so much all of you. Your advice and information is so useful. Olgaga I really appreciate all the links. I m starting to read them right now!