Anyone stayed together for the sake of the kids and NOT regretted it?

[hersuit]

Just that, really.

I think that's my chosen path & wondering how people feel further down the line. So I can punish myself, obvs :D

Hi - erm...no but....I have recently finished the relationship after putting up with a lot of shit working hard on it for years and I do often think now that if I'd realised how well the kids would cope and how well adjusted they'd be I'd have left my husband years ago. That's my experience anyway...others will have different stories and perspectives.

There was a thread a little while ago where people whose parents had done this spoke about the effect their parents staying together 'for the kids' had had on them - mostly negative, a few positive.

I think more people would regret it if they knew their children weren't happy they had done it, but adult children aren't likely to tell their parents that their sacrifice wasn't a good thing. My ex is in that camp - he thinks his parents staying together really harmed him, but he would never tell them that.

Hiya same as vicking1, i think you can only try so much before the inevitable happens.
I was so worried about what people would say/think?? Especially my parents and now they're more disappointed that I led them to believe everything was ok whilst he was actually being emotionally and physically abusive and I let my poor DC witness it and then had months of the police in and out my house. I'm sure my DC would have coped with the seperation much better when they were younger but hindsight is a wonderful thing eh!!!

Good luck

Didn't the previous thread have many children who had been in homes with loads of abuse (alcohol and mental mainly)?

Personally, I believe it depends on the quality of the relationship between the parents. If they are friendly and happy with the family life but just not in love with each other, then it can be fine.

There was no alcohol or violence in my home. Mum's version is that she stayed "for the kids". In fact it was her excuse because she was too much of a coward to make decisions about her own life and she was happy to play the martyr. She still explains she sacrificed her own happiness "for the kids".

Personally I find that co-parenting has a lot of benefits. Both parents have time to do their own thing and the kids look forward to seeing each of us. There are frustrations (you might have seen my posts on the subject) and I'd still rather have the kids full time if I could, but definitely lots of positives. I think that these days you can make arrangements that suit everyone and there is no stigma for the kids now either, which makes a bit difference.

To put it more clearly : I think it is perfectly OK to stay together for the kids (if there is no violence / danger / abuse etc.) but accept that it isyour decision and don't blame any subsequent unhappiness or regrets on them.

My experience is the same as javotte's. Even without violence, alcohol or whatever, it's very stressful growing up with parents that aren't happy together. When you become conscious later in life that you may be the reason they stayed together and tolerated the misery, it's a heavy responsibility to take on board. That's not to say break-ups aren't stressful on children but it's a mistake to think that sticking together is automatically a good thing. 'You're the reason I opted to waste my life' is a big burden to put on young shoulders.

My friend waited til the children finished school to protect them. They said they knew their parents were never happy the whole time.

I believe your job is to demonstrate a healthy happy relationship.

We're sort of happy. We really like each other but I just don't want to shag him any more. Doesn't seem like enough of a reason to break up the family.