Am I being harsh?

[QuestionTime]

Hi all
Just a but of perspective if you don't mind. My mum died in Feb of this year after a very short 6 months battle with cancer. She was everything to me and my sister and had been married to my dad for 30 years (I'm 27)
Anyway my dad is now renting a house down the road so I can see him regularly (he is 80 and my parents house is 5 hours drive.)
He joined lots of clubs and societies which is great. Anyway he met this one lady who he is seeing more and more of. It's now about 3-4 times a week. Whilst I feel a bit funny about this my head knows it's a good thing as it keeps him occupied and happy - he's not one of those people who are happy with their own company!
Anyway I went round to his this eve and said I might be going on hol in oct with my friend. He replied "me too - I'm going to tenerife." With this lady as it turns out.
I was furious. It's one thing having a lady friend for companionship but another thing to go on holiday with her less than 10 months after mum died. And to tell me in a jokey way like that.
I'm disgusted with him. I pretty much left immediately after that. Am I overreacting? Thank you

Very sorry to hear about your mother. That said, people grieve in different ways and it would be very sad if you allowed your attitude to affect your relationship with your father. I can scarcely imagine how lonely he must be after losing his companion of 30 years. If he's 80 and up for a holiday in Tenerife, then good luck to him. It shouldn't be seen as anything to do with his - or your - memories of your mother.
Maybe you need to talk to someone about your own grief? It's pretty strong to say you're "disgusted" with him.

Yes, but it is easy to see why. He is nearing the end of his life, don't begrudge him happiness for the sake of a prescribed time period. I think people often find another partner quite quickly after a happy marriage and it isn't a reflection on his love for your mother except maybe that the relationship was so good he wants another one.

I'm sorry about your mum, it must be very difficult to cope with this for you and he should definitely have told you in a kinder way.

There's a quote I love...From a children's show none the less.

The grandfather is remarrying, and he says to his adult sons "Of course, no one could ever replace your mother. It's her love in here (points to heart) that helped this old geezer love again."

I'm sorry about your mum. I am.

Your dad must really have been hit hard. But he's 80. As awful as its going to sound. He probably has realised the value of life. Who knows at 80 how long you really have left. How long of an active life you have left.

Why spend your twilight years grieving and alone?

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I also think you need to let your dad have this. It doesn't mean he didn't love your mum deeply.

Really, do you want him to spend his last days alone and hurting? I'm sure you don't. Let him have it.

I'm so sorry about your mum. My nan and grandad are the same age (a bit older) they still travel together and recently on one trip grandad became very unwell.

I know the time will come and I am really dreading it but I wouldnot begrudge the grandparent left behind some company, after all they have spent 60 years married/ in the company of another person.

As hard as it is for you I would try and let him be happy for the many or few years he has left,he would be heartbroken if you showed anything but acceptance towards him IMO.

I completely understand your feelings, but as PP said, each of us is different and we grieve and feel different. I think he has failed to understand how you are feeling about his friendship with this lady. You are seeing it as disrespectful to your mother, but rationally you know it is not. Be happy for him, short time is left to him, and being active is the best. But you need to talk to him, so he is more sensitive next time he has something to say.
I am very sorry for you loss and wish you the best.

At 80 he hasn't got the luxury of a long drawn-out period of mourning before reviving his social life and this sounds very much carpe diem. You say yourself he needs companionship and, if he wants a few weeks in the sun, why not take a friend? Of course you feel upset because you miss your mother and he doesn't seem to have been particularly sensitive in the way he announced the holiday. But I don't understand 'disgusted' really. What do you think they'll be getting up to?

I am very sorry you have lost your mum so recently.

I think you are over reacting to be disgusted.

Just because he has met someone else who may give him a fraction of the happiness he had with your mother does not in any way shape or form replace your mother, her importance in his life or yours, or his or your love for her.

He is not betraying your mother's memory in any way.

What would be an acceptable length of time for an 80 year old to take to try and have a little enjoyment in what remains of their life?

Maybe he could have tried to tell you in a more sensitive fashion however I would imagine most 80 year olds would find this sort of thing hard to discuss with anyone else as a generational thing (I could be assuming there though).

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum

A similar thing happened when my grandmother died and my granddad remarried within less than a year, my mum and her siblings were upset to see him move on so soon, but also it was, in time, better for him to have someone in his life rather than be alone for a long period

It is hard, but your dad does deserve happiness in his life, even after such a tragic loss of your mum. Please don't see it as him replacing her, but as him finding a way to be happy, and if you love him you can't deny him some happiness in his life at his age

Without sounding insensitive (I'm trying hard not to) I did read something about men being more likely to meet someone sooner after losing a partner/spouse than a woman might.

Not that they wouldn't grieve the loss as much as a woman, but that they do often tend to move on quicker and meet someone else.

I can see that it is a massive shock and upset for you after such a short time. Can you talk to him about how you feel?

This is a very common thing with older widowers. Most of them are completely unable to manage after so long being looked after by their wives and it's often very hard on their adult DCs who are grieving for their mums. Please can I reassure you that this in no way diminishes the love or respect he had for your mum. I'm sure he still misses her enormously, but men are generally better at compartmentalising their feelings than we are and at 80 he will have seen friends and relatives struggling on their own and is possibly just relieved to have found a companion.....and don't be surprised if they marry a lot sooner than you'd be comfortable with, people of that generation often don't/didn't hang around.

I really don't want to distress you, but I see a lot of this. Your reaction is perfectly natural but I think if you talk to your dad about it you'll find that he's doing this BECAUSE he loves and misses your mum so much - after all, he's diving into another relationship because his last one was so great that he can't contemplate being single.

Really sorry about your mum x

So he should holiday alone, or not at all? Is that what you want?

Don't be mean Olympicking 10/10 for the most unhelpful post on the thread!

100% what LALLO said above.. i was going to write the exact same thing..

Very sorry to hear about the loss of your mom :( xx

Every man I've known who lost their wife moved on very quickly.

When my MIL died my FIL had a new 'lady friend' within 6 months.

When my aunt died my uncle moved in with her best friend about 12 weeks later [ shock].

I think at his age it is not going to be love, or anything approaching it, but comfort and companionship.

I think women are much better at retaining a close circle of friends that they rely on in times of trouble. Men don't tend to do that and therefore feel the need to fill that with a other woman.

You are not being unreasonable to feel the way you do though. I had lost both my parents by the time I was 30 and it's incredibly difficult to deal with.

Maybe talk to your Dad, tell him how you feel and hopefully he can reassure you that this in no way diminishes his love for your Mum.

What toysoldiers said. It is completely understandable why you feel like this, but after so many years married it is also understandable why you feel so uncomfortable and upset by this.

Do you think you would be able to talk to him about how you feel? Say that you are happy that has found companionship but that it is hard for you to be entirely relaxed about this, and so you hope he understands if you are sometimes a little awkward or off about the situation.

My parents were married 47 years before my Mum died and Dad had a new lady friend 4 months after. I was bit "whoa!" but they married and I have to say she gave him the best 5 years of his life.

There's a very old saying women weep, men marry with regard to widow(er)hood.

He is an adult, he is entitled to have a relationship if he wishes. It is none of your business.

It's one thing having a lady friend for companionship but another thing to go on holiday with her less than 10 months after mum died

What would you like him to do? be sad and lonely? would that make you happier? Should he go on holiday to those sad singles hotels with no one to talk to?

I sincerely doubt at 80 it's a romantic attachment anyway, companionship takes many forms.

Sorry for your loss.

I know it's hard but your Dad is 80 and deserves some fun and happiness in his twilight years.

The last thing he needs is a guilt trip from an adult daughter. And I'm sure your mum would be thrilled he's got someone to enjoy time with.