Toxic mother. No contact but still really upsetting me

[CordeliaStarling]

I just found out that they moved house without even telling me. A friend of the family let it slip when I bumped into her this lunch time.

Am I over reacting or is that a really crappy thing to do?

Feel sick to my stomach.

If you've dropped contact with each other there's no obligation to tell you anything or vice versa. Do you tell her about important events in your life? I often think that whilst dropping contact often feels like the best thing to do, it does have a lot of drawbacks. This kind of thing being one of them.

It's not surprising that it's upset you CordeliaStarling. I have little contact with my parents but if I found out something like this, I would see it an an indicator of just how insignificant they consider me to be. I'm sure you have your reasons for dropping contact but it's so hard to let go of the hope that one day your parents will start to value you. It's very painful.

Do you have any support with this in real life?

No, no support really :(

If I moved house of course I would tell them cogito, I have three children, their grandchildren. What if it was an emergency, something serious they needed to be informed of?

Keep posting on here if you want to talk about it. There are loads of us in similar situations. Have a look at the 'Stately Homes' thread in the Relationships board. I know how lonely it can feel and Mumsnet has been a bit of a lifesaver for me - just knowing that other people are going through the same thing and having similar feelings has helped me feel stronger.

I've been seeing a psychotherapist for the last 2 years too and that is the best thing I have ever done - it's bloody painful but helping me more than I can say.

It's so hard but try to trust your feelings. If you feel hurt and upset by what your mother has done, then there are good reasons for that. You don't have to justify your feelings to anyone.

If you've completely cut contact I'm not sure why they would tell you tbh

So your thread title 'no contact' isn't strictly true? It makes a difference. If you occasionally are in contact and they don't tell you they've moved house that's obviously a kick in the teeth. If you've excluded them from your life and they don't tell you, it's sort of what you'd expect.

What kind of emergency would you want your toxic mother to be involved in? Would you want her bringing up your kids? Visiting you in hospital?

Emergency like one of the kids being critically ill or even if dh needed to tell them I'd died!

My title is probebly not right. My mum and I fell out over her treatment of me. Rather than keep fighting I said we should just leave things for a while, hoping that in the future things would settle and we'd be able to work things through.. She got really angry, and sent me a message telling me to stay out of her life. Then this.

I just don't know what is wrong with me. My whole life she has made it clear I was a failure and not good enough. I always believed that deep down she must love me though. Clearly I was wrong.

It sounds like there is nothing at all wrong with you Cordelia! Your feelings are very understandable, all of them. Your mother thinking you were never 'good enough' is her problem, it says much more about her than it does about you. It's so hard not to internalise all this stuff and start to believe it, when you've grown up with it and had it all your life.

There is a very strong message in our culture that all parents love their children, at least deep down. The sad truth is that some people are not capable of caring much about anyone except themselves. I don't know if that applies to your mum, but it's a possibility. It's a horribly painful thought and it's so tempting to hold onto the hope that 'one day' things will get better and she will see and love you for the person you are.

I found googling 'narcissistic personality disorder' to be a revelation - it helped explain some of my parents' behaviour, also the website 'Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers'. Whatever happens, please know that you are not alone.

There's probably nothing much wrong with you. A mother that spends a lifetime making a child feel worthless, treating them badly, says 'get out of my life' and then moves along as if nothing has happened has 'deep down' more than a few problems of their own. Children can't help who they are born to. In my own family one poor person was abused and exiled by their mother for most of their life simply because she resembled and stuck up for her (absent) father.

So you asked for limited contact and your mother pushed that to no contact?

If that's the case then you need to start the process of letting her go. It's very very difficult and won't happen overnight but you need to start getting to a place where you accept that she isn't a true mother to you and you won't receive the love that you want and rightly expect.

Do you think you can start doing that?

Cordelia

Did you contact BACP like I suggested?.

Re this comment:-
"Rather than keep fighting I said we should just leave things for a while, hoping that in the future things would settle and we'd be able to work things through.. She got really angry, and sent me a message telling me to stay out of her life. Then this".

The only mistake you made there was saying that you thought you'd be able to work things through. No. Your mother is a narcissist and thus capable of the most extreme emotional cruelty; the latest example of which you have now cited. Your mother has made the terrible choice not to love; it is what narcs do. It is NOT your fault your mother is like this, her own birth family caused that particular damage.

Gosh OP ( I posted on your other thread) did you really not know they were even moving at all? all seems a bit sudden.
If you did know they were moving and as you said in your last thread that you didn't want to see your mother again then I think YABU (a bit). But I do sympathise with how you feel.

Yes, you are getting a real flavour of her true colours here and the level of vindictiveness she will stoop to but you have to think about what no contact for you means - You can't have it both ways. I am no contact with my mother for instance and that extends to no, I don't want her to know if I/ dh/ kids are dying etc, I don't want her in my life at all, end of.

If you do want a relationship with her then you will have to go and speak to her- its your choice, but I don't think you have grounds to be cross with her given you said you were finished with her.

Cordelia, it does take a long time to work this out but this is not your fault. She doesn't love you in a normal way because she doesn't have the personality to do so. All sorts of people become parents who probably shouldn't. You are not the black sheep, she made you feel like that while you were growing up.

The more distance you have the easier it will be to recognise her for what she is as time passes. It is a grieving process and I still find myself questioning if it was my fault, esp when I see other mothers with their daughters. In fact mine has great rel with my sibling (tho I don't think that is without its problems) but my mother favoured the divide and conquer scapegoating approach.

With counselling you might see that you are worth more than you think, and that you've had a lucky escape, really would encourage you to have counselling. Best wishes x

Hello Cordelia, I'm posting because I'm in a very similar situation to you. I havent had any contact with my mother for seven years. Before that it was similar, but we made up a bit, but I think she decides every few years that she doesnt want to be anybody's parent and wont talk to me. It's my fault of course, although I'm not sure why! I used to rack my brains trying to figure out what I had done so wrong but there wasnt a reason. She also moved without telling me where before, when she wouldnt speak to me a few years ago, and it was terribly painful at the time. Her house is up for sale now so when it sells I dont expect to find out where she is. A few years after she stopped contact with me she sent me a letter saying a family member had died. I went to the funeral and she ignored me, I had to sit on my own at the back. She got round this inconvenient social situation by not informing me at all when another family member died so I didnt find out until I got a solicitors letter telling me I had to call in to pick up some items that had been left to me in a Will.

I really feel for you but you have to understand it isn't your fault. Most likely she has personal emotional issues of her own that probably you dont know anything about. This doesnt excuse her behaviour though. Some people just shouldn't be parents but they go ahead and have children and wreak havoc in their lives. If you're like me, you may not want any contact with her in the future because its too damaging for you, but what you do want is some sign from her that she loves you and wants to be a mother to you and have you in her life. I dont know if this will happen for you but I hope you find some peace of mind in your future.

One thing though; because her behaviour has damaged you, you have to be very careful not to let this damage affect other relationships in your life, with your partner for example, or affect the way you trust people. I made that mistake and it lead to more problems. Also, if your partner comes from a "normal" family he wont understand or know what to do to help you (men are pretty useless at that sort of thing anyway) but be careful your relationship with your partner doesn't become too unbalanced ie he's the "nice normal parent" figure and you're the "damaged child" figure.

Problems like this dont just go away, but I hope you will get support for this and make sure you have someome to talk to, as much as you need and as often as you need. Talking does help. I find I am ok most of the time but occasionally I get really upset and thats when I need someone.

Its not just you sweetie, there are others in the same situation. We tend to think everyone else has happy families but it isnt true. I wont forget you in the weeks to come, and I hope you find happiness in other ways. X.

I think that the reason you are so upset about this is because, deep down, there was a small part of you hoping your mum would change.

Hoping that she would understand the hurt she has caused and hold you and say how sorry she is. And finally be the mum you deserve.

But since she has moved, without telling you, you have proof that she is not going to do that. Has no intention of doing it and doesn't want to mend your relationship.

That small hope is what keeps daughters and sons constantly going back for more abuse. And it is really hard to let go of the feeling that you too can have a mum who loves you.

I'm sorry. X

Im losing my whole family because of this. Everyone will side with my mum.

My Mum is lying to everyone about what was said between us.

Im a bag of nerves. Im just waiting for my dh to leave me next.

All those feelings of self loathing are back.

My sister wrote me a crappy email basically siding with Mum. They all think I am lying! they actually think Im making it all up!

Ok. First of all don't panic, your dh is not going to leave you!
People who know and respect you will know you are not making it up.
Your mother is likely putting major pressure on those round about her to believe her version of events, and also likely having major histrionics, so they are feeling under pressure too and are likely taking it out on you as it is easier than telling her to grow up/ get stuffed etc. The firmer and calmer you stand, and the more you refuse to engage in discussion/ battle it will be clear that you are not causing trouble.
Yes you will see people take her side, this may be temporary until she shows her true colours to them or it could be longer as they are too afraid of her to come near you - if so they don't matter. Stay strong, you are not what she says you are x

Thank you Voile. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I feel like my whole world is falling apart. Ive not eaten much at all today because I feel sick with worry. Im scared too, really frightened they'll turn up at my door. Can't believe I am frightened of my own mother.

I just can't stop this feeling of having failed again :( Who moves house without even telling their own daughter?! The realisation that my mother has never really loved me is really upsetting. Somebody mentioned mourning earlier and thats exactly how I feel. They are lost to me now.

Cordelia, I can identify with how you're feeling - being scared, what does it say about you that your mother leaves without telling you etc. But turn this on its head slightly, what half decent mother slates her daughter to others, appears to hate her and terrifies her? Would you treat your child this way, no matter what they did? No I didn't think so!

Keep your door locked- I still do this just on case they turn up.
If you are actually afraid of violence, verbal abuse, or refusal to leave if she does turn up then phone the police tomorrow on their non emergency line to give them the heads up, it means they will have it on file and respond should you need to call. This is what I did, I thought the police would minimise my conerns but they didn't at all and didn't bat an eyelid either, but importantly they said to dial 999 for them if she turns up and keeps knocking/ doesn't go away. You don't even have to answer the door to her just cos she's your "mum", or anyone else for that matter.

It is a horrible, horrible feeling but it really isn't your fault, you didn't make her this way. I really want a nice mum too but have to just be the mum I wanted for my own dc iyswim. Mine still tries the lovely granny routine of sending cards for dc but they get sent back or go in bin- she only does it to show dc what a lovely granny she is but was never actually there for them when we were in touch. Its all me,me,me with some parents as you are finding out. (hugs)

I know how you re feeling ..
Ive seen my mum once in eighteen years, I am completely estranged from her, siblings, stepfather. Looking through old school friends on facebook a few weeks back, I come across my sisters new married name and a family group photo of them all at her wedding in July. It was horrible to see it, such a kick in the guts and made me feel like the little girl unwanted and left out all over again. And I know its U of me because I wouldnt have gone if they d have begged etc but it still hurts, so know exactly how you feel.