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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Getting the most from relate - individual sexual counselling

5 replies

ilikemangoes · 07/09/2012 07:52

After the best part of 5 years on multiple dating sites I met someone who seemed perfect in every way. Things seemed to be going fantastically up until the point at which we had sex. Since then the sex has always been bad to mediocre and for the first time in my life I find I'm making excuses to get out of it, pulling the whole "headache" routine, and feigning excessive tiredness. This is not like me at all as I have never not wanted to have sex when it was available in the past.

My BF is perfect in every other way, however, being kind, decent, and far better looking than almost all of my exes. We get on better and so far this is the only relationship I've ever seen a future in (and one of only 2 I've been happy in).

I have been really conflicted over whether to end it or to do everything in my power to try to fix it. I thus have a (second) individual appointment with relate later on today to see if they can help.

So my question is; how do I use this time best? What kind of help can they actually offer? I went last week and the session just seemed to involve me outlining the problem to the counsellor. She was nice and very easy to talk to given the nature of the problem, but didn't offer anything in terms of advice. Will all subsequent appointments follow this pattern? Is there actually anything that can be done to increase your attraction toward someone? Has anyone else been for this sort of counselling and what was your experience?

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 07/09/2012 08:08

So, is it that the sex is bad even though you're really attracted to him, or you're not attracted to him enough for the sex to be good?

It's just that i found it odd that you're saying you find him good looking and perfect in every way, and then right at the end of your post you say " Is there actually anything that can be done to increase your attraction toward someone?"

ilikemangoes · 07/09/2012 08:16

A bit of both maybe? He is really good looking and I love his company but I don't find myself fantasising about him. Technically he can be quite good sometimes and at other times not so much, but I never crave sex with him. Thing is, I fancied him more before we'd ever had sex. Don't know if my feelings are changeable :-(

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 07/09/2012 08:33

Perhaps there just isn't the spark there for you then :( It doesnt sound like it tbh.

I don't think counselling will help with that.

Personally i've never been to any counselling sessions, so not much help there, sorry. However i have a friend who has been to many personal sessions and tells me they do not advise - rather steer you towards looking at your own issue/s in a new way and working through them.

Someone will come along and be of better help than me here hopefully OP Grin

ilikemangoes · 07/09/2012 08:58

I'm kind of afraid of that. And that's frustrating what you say about relate - I'm not the kind of person who learns anything new about myself by talking about my "issues". By the time I've got to the stage of talking, I've pretty much done all my thinking and covered all the angles. This may well be my last session if that is the case, but I'll wait and see!

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 07/09/2012 10:40

Well good luck mangoes. Perhaps ask her at the next session if going to her is right for this situation. If she's a reputable counseller she wont advise you attend sessions if it's not going to help.

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