My mother's affair has tainted my view of women and relationships (long, sorry)

[kiddo1992]

Afternoon all.

I am a 20 year old male struggling to cope with life at the moment, and I believe it can all be traced back to when my mother and father divorced five years ago.

I consider myself to have had a happy enough childhood, although I was always aware of the lack of respect my mother had for my father. He would often be shouted at for no reason, and also I often felt like I was walking on egg shells around my mum too in case I was shouted out. I genuinely recall often being nervous and anxious around her no matter what mood she was in.

Despite all this, she was very loving aswell and don't get me wrong I love her very much, but I'm struggling to forgive and forget what happened five years ago.

I was only 15 at the time, and after a rocky period in my parents' marriage I subsequently discovered that my mum had been having an affair with my best friend's Dad. After they had been found out they set up home together, my little sister went to live with my Mam whilst I decided to stay with my Dad who was absolutely heartbroken and very bitter for a long time. He has sine moved on and let go and settled down again with another woman, who is lovely by the way and I really hope they make it last.

I find it hard to let go though, everytime I visit her (which is getting rarer and rarer, something she complains about) and I see her sat next to him and him cuddling her and kissing her etc... it makes me want to be sick, I sometimes feel like they do it in front of me just to wind me up. The problem is compounded because they have had a baby together since the affair was revealed, she's four and absolutely gorgeous, probably the only reason I go to my mum's house is to see her and play with her.

Seeing how hurt devastated my Dad was has affected how I am with women I don't know, I don't really know how to explain it but its like I am scared to get involved with a girl in case I get hurt. I've had relationships in the past, the last one being about 2 and a half years ago, which was the last time I slept with a girl too, which obviously means I am the butt of some pretty cool jokes from my friends but, to be honest I would do the same if one of my mates had been on a dry spell that lasted so long.

Since my mum and dad split I have suffered with severe anxiety on two occasions. One lasted about 8 months between February and October 2008, I recovered from that but sank into it again with some depression thrown in for good measure in December 2010 and I am yet to recover from it.

The problem I have is that I yearn for a relationship but I have this innate fear of getting hurt and betrayed, I can't think of anything more humiliating to go through.

How do I get past this?

That should be cruel jokes* sorry.

If your mother now treats her new husband differently to how she treated your father, then that perhaps suggests there were problems in the marriage prior to the affair that you were/are unaware of?

I think maybe you are focusing on your parents marriage breakdown too much and using it as a 'scapegoat' for other problems.

Counseling might help you unravel things and move forward. Your Dads bitterness and your proximity to it at such an important age may have skewed things for you?

Hi my parents divorced when I was 15. My mum had an affair with my dad's best friend. He left his family to be with her. My dad has since divorced again. I am in early 30's. I am in my 5th year of marriage. I am close to my mum but I've never asked her for relationship advice I told her that she's not a good role model in that department & I made it clear to both of them that their past is a lesson in how not to do things! Please don't let this affect your future happiness & try not to let other people get to you in this way.

I've no real advice but my partner was very similar at your age. Because of his parents relationship he sort of kept girls/woman at arms length. He also didn't want children because his own childhood was quite traumatic. Affairs, alcoholism, violence.

He did have a longterm relationship before I met him but never fully committed himself for very similar reasons you describe.
He rejected the idea of getting therapy. In the end he turned to alcohol, his partner had an affair and left him. He stayed single for many years after that, resigned himself to being alone.

When we met he was still mistrustful of women. After a long friendship we became a couple. He's now my DD's stepdad and we are planning to get married. It took him a long time to trust me. He's 40 now.

Now my closest friend is getting therapy for her relationship issues. She always had trust issues, let men use her for sex etc. She is now like a different person. She is in a very loving stable relationship. She's 30.

It's good that you have recognised the reasons behind your feelings/mistrust.
Maybe you could try councelling, no one has to know. Don't waste years you will never get back. Be pro active and get therapy for it now. You have many happy years ahead of you.

What you have to understand is that to love is to be vulnerable. It's always a risk but most people decide it's a risk they can live with. Parents are no more or less susceptible than anyone else, they make mistakes, act irresponsibly, and marriages break down all the time. When that happens, it's upsetting all round regardless of fault. You say your parents' marriage was 'rocky' for a while before the affair and plenty of kids grow up with 'rocky' being all they ever know when parents opt to stay together, even though they are miserable. At least you've seen that there can be a happy ending and, in a way, you're at an advantage because you've experienced bad and good relationships at close range. You've presumably heard your Dad's side of the story at length... have you ever asked your Mum about hers?

FWIW everyone fears rejection, any age and at any stage, it's not just you. If you struggle with confidence and tend towards anxiety and depression, that won't help. Are you seeing your GP for treatment?

Cogito.

The only time I ever spoke to my mum about it was the day she told me her and my Dad were splitting, she basically said she was unhappy, they hadn't slept together for over 4 years etc...

I understand that she may have been unhappy and I do remember periods when I was young when they lived apart for days or weeks, but in the end they always got back together.

Yes she does act differently with her current partner, but I genuinely despise the man for the pain he has caused, although I accept that my mum must share an equal portion of the blame.

If my parents had split up and there was no affair I think I could have got over it quicker, but the fact that she was sneaking about for months (or who knows years?) Behind my Dad's back makes my skin crawl and makes me so angry.

If your parents had split up with no affair involved your father would probably have been just as bitter & hurt about it and you'd may even feel exactly the same way as you do now towards anyone she subsequently got together with. Since hate is such a destructive and ultimately futile emotion I'd encourage you to get the full story from your mother who can probably be more open with you now that you're not a little kid to be protected from the truth. And always remember that 'to err is human, to forgive is divine'....

Yes, i would agree, talking through it with your mum would probably help you see things from a less polarised view. It's never all black and white. Allow yourself to see her side. You don't have to take sides any more - time has healed for both your parents.

Perhaps try to concentrate on the fact that your Dad has moved on now, and take comfort from that and try not to be dragged down by the past. I know it's easier to say than do. x

I think the fact you are even self aware of how these family issues are affecting you is amazing at aged 20.
Of course you will feel let down by your mum, and it's a shame she has never spoken to you properly about what went on. But suffice to say, it's not your fault, not all women are like that and relationships sometimes don't work out....but I'm sure your parents would be the first to say, at least they got you out of it. I think with some counselling you could develop happy and healthy relationships all around you, you are half way there actually

I was once given advice that went something like this, "forgive, and when you do, you will feel as though a prisoner has been set free. Soon you'll realise that prisoner was you." By struggling instead of forgiving, you will never be free to make your own life better and your ill feelings will follow you into every relationship you have. Forgive. x

It does hurt when you see your parent behave like this, and I didn't speak to the offending parent for about two years. But time moves on and their relationship has endured a long long time (i.e. not a brief affair) and I can see my parents are much happier apart, as are yours.

I think it would be a shame if you let this ruin your view of women, I certainly don't think all men are like my dad.

I don't have any particular advice except you are not unusual for not having had long relationships, you are only twenty. Keep seeking counselling/treatment for the anxiety and depression. It may all fall into place later on. YOu are not obliged to be in a serious relationship right now, perhaps wait til you feel better, and then, just go for it.

Our parents are not that important in the scheme of things, sure, they do model our relationships but so do plenty of other people (seeing relatives. friends happy together), but most relationships are complex, rocky sometimes, nuanced, and not always happy. It is important you don't stay very angry for your mum for not being perfect, it sounds to me like she made a good decision, and perhaps you will see that in the long run.

Hi there, I can identify a little with this, my father had affairs and my mum disappeared off one day. I was very angry with both of them during my teenage/early 20s years. I too was left to care for my dad who was devastated.

I think I got past this by accepting that my parents were human beings capable of making mistakes in their lives. I guess life doesnt come with a manual and I'm sure that there is lots of things that both your mum and dad did that they would now do differently with hindsight - if its not too uncomfortable, ask. Maybe it will make you angry for a bit longer but it would help you to work on forgiving them/her.

It seems as if they have both found happiness again which is good but unfortunately sometimes you have to have a dollop of unhappiness to get to that point.

I think most people when meeting someone new will have to go through trust issues, thats normal and part of getting to know someone. After all you wouldnt go on a first date and immediately swap bank details/move in etc.

You will get past this when you meet the right person (cliched but true) but until that time enjoy yourself, you are young, go on dates, meet lots of girls, you dont have to be so serious about it all, have fun x

Your Mum was in the wrong and caused you and your father a lot of pain. How about writing a letter to her explaining just how bad you felt about it BUT DON'T SEND IT! It can help to get some of your negative feelings out onto paper.

It is not surprising that you are wary of relationships but taking your time and really getting to know someone and their values should help. Many women would never cheat and would leave a relationship they were unhappy in before starting a new one (the right thing to do IMO) - but some people make mistakes.

Both your parents are now happier and everything seems to have worked out for the best in the long run - try and focus on that (and your lovely sister)

If you feel that you hate and mistrust women, get some counselling, because this is an irrational and damaging view to hold. Whatever the rights and wrongs of your parents' divorce, you are an individual with your own life to lead and you do not have to suffer - or make other people suffer - because of what happened in the past.

I definately think there could me more to it and it's worth talking to both parents. For me it turned out my dad had treated mum very badly which is why she craved attention elsewhere. We only found out there was a problem when we came back from school one day and saw our bags packed! Then were moved to a house miles away and first thing we saw was dad's friend's car on the drive. After speaking to mum she told us all sorts and I understood why she left but I told her that she was a very strong woman and she could have done it on her own she should have had that space first before someone else got involved. He'd left his family just for my mum and my dad went on to marry a hideous woman on the rebound. So after it all came out in the wash, my now stepfather ended up being the villain! I've never had counselling but my brother did. I'm not sure that it helped. Like I said, just being determined to do things differently was enough to me. I looked up to my grandparents more anyway who managed a 67 year marriage.

I'm 20 too, my dad abused my terribly as a child and made me 'turn on' men.

So I'm getting psychotherapy. That sort of anger and bitterness will eat you up inside, if you deal with that first everything else will just come pouring out.

If if is having sort of impact on your life then you need to see someone.

My own personal opinion is that accepting that by having a relationship you are putting yourself in a position to be hurt is part of the trust you have to have in a partner. The fact that you have figured out not only that you have an issue with this but also where it's come from is a good thing.

If ever there was a thread to point out the damage that affairs can do this is it. For all those that have had affairs or are contemplating one then read this and see how much damage it can do to children.

My mum had an affair when I was younger and I found out at the age of 10. She made me swear not to tell my dad and so I didn't but I have always known about it and kept it a secret. Taints the way I look at her 30 years later.

People who are too weak to leave relationships before they embark on other relationships disgust me.

That was so wrong of her to make you promise not to tell maleview :(

Could NOT agree more - I say this time and again on here.

I can't give specifics because it could out me in RL, but I saw my mum with another guy when I was eight. That is 34 years ago but it still hurts me - I still dream about it. There was so much other stuff too - both my parents had affair. I respected them less and still do.

I agree proud but it helps me knowing that my mum accepts she was wrong. And in a kind of twisted way watching her carrying the guilt with her for the past 20 or so years is an acceptable punishment and makes me feel better.

I find it a shame that you paint your mum in such a bad light, yet you say the marriage was 'rocky'.

Where's your dad's share of the blame?

I was just going to add a comment but I see that maleview and sgb both beat me to it

Heath: Funny, never seem t see those comments on women who have been cheated on threads...

The crux of the issue here is OP needs help not to demonise women due to his mother's mistake. Viewing the marriage through the eyes of a (then) child is IMO, irrelevant.