What to expect after separation with ex's new relationship??

[andwhatnow]

I separated from my husband 18 months ago. It was at my initiation as I didn't love him anymore, but was obviously a very hard, sad situation after 16 years together.

We have an 11 year old son. Within a few weeks of splitting he met a woman, with three children under the age of five. They started seeing each other, and, very quickly, she was staying the night etc. My ex refused to leave the marital home (I did) and we are still trying to sell the house, so it has been a bit difficult seeing another woman there but I accepted it. We have shared custody of our son, me 60 % ish, him 40 percent ish, which works reasonably well.

I was not surprised that my ex formed a new relationship so quickly as he seemed so eager to part of a couple, BUT, I was surprised how quickly he introduced her and the children into my son's life. For the last six months, my son very very rarely sees his dad without her and/or her children and she more or less lives at the house.

It is now getting to the point however, where I think he is seriously taking the p*. Three weeks ago it was our son's birthday. My son wanted to wake up with me, and spend some time, then go to his dad's which was fine. His dad however, wanted him to come earlier, but only to see his girlfriend's children as apparently our son 'wanted to' during a conversation they had. We had a big row about it, as I thought it is unneccessary that our son's birthday be planned around the children of the woman he is seeing. I know that fundamentally, as long as our son is happy that is all that matters. He seems to like his dad's girlfriend and is a very happy go lucky, easy going child. And ultimately, I know it is up to my son what he wants to do, when and who with.

However, my niggling feeling is that my ex has either a)lost the plot and thinks its ok to split up and introduce a new family within 2 months to his son or b) is doing it to spite me (he is quite bitter) or maybe a mix of both.

Or... am I being totally unreasonable?? Shouldn't I accept this is part of my son's new family?? I think I could quite easily if it had been a bit slower and if my ex didn't expect me to fit around her children.

Please slap me and tell me to grow up if you think i am being unreasonable, I really do not know what to think of this situation............
thanks!

I always think in these situations that people should take their time introducing new partners and only once they are sure the relationship is a keeper. Otherwise its too unsettling for the children and i would be concerned about them feeling insecure about all the new partners popping in and out their lives.

I've seen others put my here that its tough deal with it though so . . .

Put ON here!

Only you know how you feel and if you feel it's all going a bit too fast, then that's valid. The important person in all this, as you say, is your son. If you're satisfied that he's happy with the situation, that the new relationship is reasonably stable and it's not confusing or upsetting him then you'll probably have to get used to it.

I'm not really seeing 'bitter' in the story. If you're worried that this new family is more appealing to your DS and that you're being left behind while your ex has happily moved on, that's something that you have to square with yourself.

We had a big row about it, as I thought it is unneccessary that our son's birthday be planned around the children of the woman he is seeing.
What did your son think though?

Yes, he probably did introduce her too soon, but what can you do about that now? You really have to let that go. Sorry, but you do. And I do sympathise because I was very unhappy about the way my ex introduced my DS to his new partner, but you know it took two days to get over that because once it's happened, that's it. But it's 16 months later and your son is doing well, so I'm kind of failing to see the problem.

After 16 months he probably does like seeing his dad's GF's children. Do you have good reason to believe that your ex is lying when he said your son wanted to? I very much doubt it's to spite you.