If this was happening to a woman i'd intervene.

[fluffyraggies]

A recent thread about concerns over a colleague suffering at home has prompted me to ask this here.

I have a neighbour who, on occasion, gets screamed, shouted and sworn at in a tirade of abuse by their spouse, which goes on and on for ages. They are called all the names under the sun, loudly for the whole street to hear, and are generally ridiculed and derided in the most awful spiteful way. Really nasty stuff. All of this is in front of their DCs, and within easy earshot of mine. (I spent a good while chatting to mine after the last bout, about how sad it is to shout at someone like that and they were not to take it when they're in a relationship!) It's sad and awful to hear it. The person on the receiving end of all this is a man.

I don't know exactly how often this happens. I hear it when the weathers good and all the doors and windows are open, and when it begins in the garden.

Last time it was going on i thought to myself that if it was the woman in the house being on the receiving end i wouldn't hesitate to march round there to find out if she was ok and ask what the hell was going on! To show there was someone caring really, and to make sure she wasn't getting hit. I don't hear him retaliate in any way at all. I hear him just mumbling back. He seems to just take it, and the sad thing is that last time i heard one of the DCs joining in with their DM. Saying awful things to their DF :(

I can't imagine a man would appreciate any intervention in the way a woman might in this situation. It just seems such a double standard though. Any thoughts?

Call the police, not fair on tne DC.

I'm surprised that no-one's called the police to complain about the noise report what would appear to be domestic violence a breach of the peace at the given address.

Next time you hear it call the police. Tell them its a frequent occurrence and you're worried for the mans safety.

If you are having to reassure your own kids, then call the police. it is just too awful. the police may just make her stop and think about things. does it happen alot

So am i izzy. We live in a 'naice' street - but you'd be surprised the way everyone seems to turn a blind eye to stuff. It always seems to be me or DH responding to peoples crisis'.

I'm thinking your right about the police then. I wasnt sure.

lola - it happens roughly about once a month i suppose. Very roughly.

Next time she kicks off call the police and say there's a dreadful racket going on at x address, screaming, shouting, swearing, and you're fearful that someone in the property is going to get hurt.

It may just be the wake-up call she or he needs.

FWIW, I'd be vague about whether it's a man or woman kicking off as I suspect that the response time may be slower if the police are aware that it's a male on the receiving end of a woman.

I would add that I've got no stats to support my suspicion but IME a quicker response to a 999 call is obtained by implying that serious injury or worse may occur if the police don't shift their arses rather than expressing it as a 'domestic'.

I think it would be entirely reasonable to call the police.
Interesting that it happens about once a month. I wonder if it is literally once a month and she has premenstrual dysphoric disorder..? In any case, it sounds like it needs to be addressed.

Blimey nimpy i didn't think of that! Yes, i wonder if it is once a month now too. I was thinking every couple of weeks ish. Then thought - no, less often than that.

izzy - sadly you're probably right there. I will have to be vague about it.

If it's PMT i'm going to feel ridiculous calling the police. I don't mean to sound flippant.

I just feel very ... awkward ... after hearing once of these sessions and then smiling and doing small talk with either one of them soon after. They must both know i hear it all.

I think i'm going to find it hard to call the police tbh. It's the comments about the children that have swayed me though. I appreciate your thoughts.

the PMT might be the cause but the damage is all the same isn't it?

You could complain about the noise but you should keep your nose out of other peoples relationships, whether it's a man or woman doing the yelling. Arguments are not illegal, neither is telling your partner what a cunt you think they are, nor should they be.

DV is just that; violence in a domestic relationship. It is not what offends other peoples sensibilities.

bobbledunk i didn't call it domestic violence. But a big part of me agrees with your first paragraph.

If it was a man yelling at a woman i wouldn't have been posting here. I would have gone round there by now out of sheer worry for her. Sorry if that makes me a nosey cow. If that had been the scenario and she'd told me to fuck off and mind my own business then off i would have fucked! (Under those circs. i might have said something to say about not appreciating my kids having to hear what was going on though and could they keep it down )

Unsure what to do. I feel sorry for the kids. She's kicking off out there now while i'm writing this!

bobbledunk - you don't know what you are talking about.

The man in question is being verbally abused at the very least - if there are children around they are witnessing this abuse - and experiencing it themselves too.

BTW it isn't just her telling him what a cunt she thinks he is. That takes about 4 seconds. This stuff goes on for literally 5/10 mins.

5 or 10 minutes? In your OP it says it goes 'on and on for ages'.

If they only have 10 minute barney once a month, next time you see them I suggest you mention that the vicar visitors couldn't help hearing raised voices coming from their home and nearly called the police before you could stop them.

That way they're unlikely to suspect you of blowing the whistle if you should have occasion to get the police involved.

It's not really a barney if one person is getting verbally abused and screamed at.

OP I agree you should speak to the police

izzy - 5/10 minutes is a long time for someone to be screaching at another without a break. Or retaliation.

Sit quiet for 5 whole minutes and imagine someone yelling continuously. Effing and blinding and cursing like a banshee at the top of their voice near your back door. Then another 5.

ANYWAY - don't know what the vicar thing is all about?

This is not AIBU.

I've posted here because i feel distressed for the DH and the DC next door. Not because i can't stand to hear a bit of swearing. Me and DH do a bit of shouting and swearing. This is different.

I've tried as hard as i can to describe what's happening without exagerating. It's one of those borderline situations i suppose.

Can you get hold of him on his own?

Say that you have heard it, you are concerned for him and that you are safe house for him to bolt to anytime, no questions.

And, then drop in about the monthly thing.

I went totally mental once a month. Wee course of prozac, no longer a banshee.

Let him know that he's not alone, and see what sort of support he might be open to. and, congratulate him on not retaliating.

He sounds like a lovely man. Actually, encourage him to get divorced and then I'll introduce him to my gorgeous friend....

We accidentally went on holiday with a couple like this a couple of years ago. Our daughters had just finished Reception and I happened to mention where and when we were going on hols - next thing I knew, the mum had booked herself and family into the same place for the same week! Anyway, they conducted themselves like your neighbours, she screamed and abused him every evening, he just mumbled or didn't react.

He also wasn't allowed to go for a drink with DH as she told us he was an alcoholic (despite turning up with enough booze to sink a battleship), eat without her permission or even take more than five minutes in the loo! DH and I agreed that if the genders were reversed we would have no hesitation in calling social services.

DH did talk to to the dad and said it was unacceptable that he was being treated like dirt in front of his daughter, the dad said it was due to his wife's PMT. Anyway, he then went and told her what DH had said, there was a big scene and they never spoke to us again other than hello and goodbye at the school gates!

I'm glad that we did intervene in a small way, though - even though the dad decided to tell tales on us, the wife did start taking medication very shortly after the holiday and is on a much more even keel now. So I would suggest that somebody asks him if things are OK. Knowing that other people know what is going on might prompt him to deal with the situation.

nanky funnily enough he is a very nice guy. Do anything for anyone type.

tyrannosaurus - you hit the nail on the head with when you think ''this is not right - but it's a man it's happening to - but why does that make it any different - but somehow it does!?''.

I suppose that's the gist of what i'm asking. Would it make a difference to your reaction to hearing this going on knowing it's a guy taking the shit? Why do i think 'it's a bloke so it's not my business'.

It could actually be going on more often than we hear it. We're detached along here (by about 10 meters) so no one can hear their neighbour's goings on when everything's closed up. And we hear it often enough even so.

I think it's because we worry about emasculating the man.

Help is something that gallant gentlemen offer to damsels in distress. Real men don't need rescuing?

Dunno. I have a lot of respect for a man who manages to contain himself and not engage in a bit of slapping and shouting in retaliation. Respect, and aching, aching pity.

Yes, it's going on more than you hear. Natch.

Tyrannosaurus has a point - it might well cost you their friendship. Pointing out the flaw in a marriage means you will probably be collateral damage.

It is DV according to home office guidelines. It's possibly a good thing there is more recognition of it.

I'd be tempted to report it, PMT or not.

He possibly feels weak, and thinks no one will support him. And now the kids have joined in...

Could you call Mankind for advice? Please don't ignore this, please try to help.

The kids are in the middle of this.

I don't think you should treat it any differently. Do exactly what you would do if the situation was reversed.

Don't tell lies to the police or be vague because they will come under the impression the man is abusing his wife.

Don't pretend people have heard them and had to be stopped by you from calling the police as this tells them in no uncertain terms you know and support the behaviour.

Next time just go round if that is what you would normally do.