Describe a couple you know who have a good long term relationship

[janey68]

Dh and I have been together 16 years and many of our friends have been couples for a similar time. We've seen various couples split along the way, but equally many of our friends seem to be in it for the long haul and are very happy together. One of our couple friends have had quite a lot of stresses, child with learning disabilities, husband working long distance for a few years, money worries, but they have the strongest marriage I've known. Obviously none of us know another couple inside out, but from what you know, what is it about couples you know who seem to have a good partnership?

No idea.

It's always a shock to me when couples split, it tends to be the ones I thought were great together who don't make it.

TBH I think it's fairly random.

• They fit together well.

• Bring out the best in each other.

• They have things in common ; not necessarily pastimes but attitudes, aspects of their background, stamina levels (!), sense of humour, something they both like.

• Each cares whether the other is happy. In a gentle, kind way, not a big dramatic gesture way.

• They cope with bad patches. Everyone gets them. A happy appearance doesn't mean a permanently happy couple...no such thing.

• Equal partnership. Very PC sounding, but when it isn't, problems aren't far away.

• Treat each other in a civilised, well mannered way.

My parents 49 years married next week . They don't do anything apart , my mum says Jump , my dad says how high

I think Elmofan must be one of my siblings! My parents are the same, been married 42 years, been thru some tough times (my dad had a successful business which he lost after becoming an alcoholic and then spending 3 years having a complete mental breakdown after my beloved grandad died suddenly, my mum is also disabled so life has not been easy) but no matter what life throw at them they face it together, united and strong. The love they have for each other is very evident. Mum is definitley the boss though!

Lol Elmofan!

Lady wordy I agree with your list- it matches the couple I'm thinking of, especially the part about bringing out the best in eachother.

Me and DP. Together 20 years. ladyWordy is right - equality is key. We both work full time and earn about the same. We have an equal (but complementary) division of labour - neither of us feels hard done by and we are each grateful to the other for doing the things we are crap at or don't enjoy (in my case, cooking and cleaning, in his case organising and paperwork).

At the risk of having an almighty flaming, I'd say not having kids helps. Life is less pressured and stressful. Equality is easier to achieve. We have plenty of leisure and enough money to enjoy it. We are committed to each other, yet both feel free.

My parents. Married 50 years. From what I can see, no personal attacks ever, no shouting, shared values rather than opinions, problems sorted through debate until consensus is reached. Both "will not have" the other made unhappy and will try to fix whatever the issue is. Both listen to the other's reservations about difficulties - don't always act on it, but take it seriously before acting.

The one I know ......she wears the trousers and he is the long suffering breadwinner.

My parents - almost 40 years married.

Dad has always adored my Mum. My Mum told me when I was young 'No man ever left a woman for not doing the housework.'

They love each other for who they are and have become and not for whatever role society has deemed they must play in each other's lives.

I have always known that they care about us and not what other people think.

They are good role models in that my siblings and I all have (so far anyway) good relationships/marriages.

:) Thats a good point re Role models yama My siblings & i are all in happy marriages . Dh & i have been together 20 years now (married 10) , my sister is celebrating her 25th wedding anniversary in Portugal this week and both my brothers are married 20yrs plus now .

Interesting that you should post this as I was talking with my BF about this very subject on Friday night. She was saying that she has come back from unhappiness to a sort of weary acceptance and wouldnt leave now as they are atleast settled if not particularly happy. They dont talk but they dont row either and rub along fairly well.

Another long term relationship that we know is now in serious trouble, and we realised that the only truly happy people we know are the ones without kids! 2 sets of friends who are truly devoted and my sister and her DH who are still loves young dream 16 years later.

Amongst the rest of us who all have kids, I have been cheated on, her marriage is sexless and totally lacking in any love or respect, another is having a band aid baby as they both want more kids but agree they are too old to realistically meet someone else in time for them each to have them, and the rest are divorced or in the process of splitting up.

Made for a pretty depressing evening. Is the fact that the happy ones are childless a coincidence? I dont think so, but then we dont have traditional lives with normal jobs. We are a group of fairly bohemian artists, writers and musicians (I have the most normal job as I run my own business, but i represent most of the boho's within our group!), and I dont think that running a family is particularly compatible with odd hours, tours etc.

Lovely reading this - DH and I celebrating 3 yrs marriage this month, together 9 years so we're still a new couple.

IM(limited)E of parents and older siblings, being friends before all else is important and allowing each other to change as the years go by. Having said that about friends, though, I do think the sex side is important. My parents (42 years married) still seem to be going strong on that front which I am now old enough to be pleased, rather than freaked out about.

Me and DH, married for 27 years, together for 30.
Absolute equal partners in everything - parenting / financial matters /everything, always have been.
We enjoy spending all our free time together, it doesn't work for everyone but it does for us - we spent enough time apart in our early years due to DH being in the RAF, then shift work / working away, we're fortunate now that we have evenings and weekends together and our marriage is far stronger for it.
We respect each other and respect the fact that we have differing opinions sometimes but we do agree on the fundamentals.
We talk and we listen, I'm very much a brooder and I tend to over-analyse everything, DH is very straightforward and can be very blunt and brutally honest, I need that.

Me and DH like Mal married 27 years together 32 years (disclaimer met when quite young ).
Ying and yang..He is everything l am not, but he is and always will be my best friend.
we spend almost all out free time together, which doesn't suit everyone but works for us.

Me and DH. Together 27 years, married 25 years. Total opposites, different hobbies, interests, education, backgrounds. But, we are best friends, laugh at the same things, have fun in each others company, and have always made time for each other as a couple, not just as parents.

We decided with DS1 that we would always make time to have a relationship with each other, and not just be Mum and Dad. Sometimes it has been very hard, but if you both put in the effort, and both want to put in the effort, I think that you get the result.

My parents, been married for 37 years, together for 40! It's epic, I love it. You couldn't imagine one without the other at all. They've had ups and downs, they've had hard times but they love each other so much.

DH and I are together for 7.5 years now, married nearly 4 so I hope we are in for the long haul, feels like we will be :)

My best friend from school. Started going out with a guy we were at school with in our final year and they're happily married with a baby, been together nearly 11 years. They have very little in common but seem to work so well, they respect each other, everything between them is equal. And he's the loveliest guy, the kind of guy I wish I'd married. It makes me weep with .

My grandparents. They almost made it to 60 years, but Nan fell sick with cancer 4 months before their anniversary and passed away within 2 weeks and my Papa followed her 10 days later.

They were both strong independent people, they both shared a wonderful sense of humor, and they cared for each other deeply.

I think one of the main reasons they were so good together though is that they met and married quite late in life for their time (they were both 33 when they met in 1950) and both knew full well what they were getting themselves into.

I think Ladywordy's list is very good.

I think regardles of interests/personalities etc the couple have to share the same underlying values.

This is probably not a very politically correct thing to say, but in my experience, there is also a heritage issue- my parents have been happy together for 40 years and my DP's for 50.

I know this has helped me to form my relationship as i had such a good model as i'm just replicating the same pattern.

My best friend has struggled more due to trust issues etc because she had a very poor model of how her mum was treated.

To me the answer to this very complicated subject is an easy one. Two words, "friendship" and "understanding". You need to enjoy being with each other, i.e. be friends and also have a mutual respect and understanding for each other

I also agree totally with ladywordy's list - sadly I don't know that many happy couples - my parents have been married over 50 years but I wouldn't say they were blissfully happy all the time - just used to each other I suppose - DH & I have been married 25 years, again, it's not a totally happy relationship all the time, but the good times outweigh the bad and perhaps we've both got low standards and are just content to compromise on things we don't agree on of which there are many.

My aunt and uncle.

Both very giving, respectful, and driven people.

Both have successful careers (and are suportive of each other's ambitions), and both treat each other - and everyone in their lives - with a curious and open mind.

They definitely have different opinions (they vote for radically different parties, for example), and hobbies, but in terms of values, they are well-matched, and I think that's the most important.

Especially since those values boil down to "Give respect and expect respect in your dealings with others".

They are my role models, as individuals and as a couple.

How time flies, met at uni (well actually she lodged at my parents house and I went near her home town), so 5 years at Uni / first jobs, then married will be 25th next July .

Worked out that IF say DS1 got married at same age and had a DC then our DS4 will still be at secondary school!!

My parents....
Madly in love, since they were both 15! Everyone says how lucky they were to find each other
They both admire each other very much- never want to say anything bad about the other, always praising each other
Both intellectually curious, discuss everything, similar philosophies
Similar parenting styles, all-important "united front"
LOTS of give and take (well, more on one side than another, maybe!)
Complete trust and loyalty
They don't go to bed angry....big Thing here
Little kindnesses and thoughtfulness for both, my dad is v. sweet and helpful, my mum is very creative
Not afraid to bring up things they're bothered about
They're just perfectly matched!

I think the ones that do well, work as a team.
They want the same things in life and will work together to get it.

When couples have different core views on family/education/money and how to spend it, they will never be happy.