Unknown

[angel05]

Hey. im going to TRY cut a long story short. basically me and my partner have been together for 7 years. i was 16 and him 18. We now have a dd who is 2months old. he was with someone before me so about 8 yrs ok baring in mind he would have been 16/17. So surely you would think after 7 years i shouldnt have to worry she has broke us up quite a few times in the past cause i found out he met her and stuff. and she used to call me and threaten to "beat me up" (mature i know) and even after all that i found out he met her and lent her money when i was two months pregnant and also she sat in My partners mums house for three houses when i was 7months pregnant yet again to borrow 30 quid from my dp. but he told me he was going to his mums to pick something up and was being extremely nice to me when he got.home. i found out a few days later when i went to text his sister from his phone and he had sent her a message saying "please dont say anything about her being here" i knew straight away. i was so nervous to confront him and we ended up having a massive argument cause he kept saying no one was there then admittes she was just there to borrow money. i was so upset and hysterical i ended up on the floor holding my bump in pain. he swore he wouldnt contact her again and deleted facebook and all that. NOW as silly as this sounds i have that feeling again tgat hes in.contact with her. i have always had the same adrenaline rush before i find out he has. he deleted all his internet history on his phone, changed the password to get into his phone and is just acting suspisious. im thinking shall i confront hi

Sorry hadnt finished and pressed the post lol. shall i confront him? Im just terrified if im wrong then obviously it will create more problems and if he knew i checked his phone in the first place he will be so mad!!! so if i do confront him i dont know how to do it. it may all sound silly but im so upset and my dd hasnt been to well.and also i had a very traumatic birth and dont know if im just imagining things and being paranoid :'( so much for long story short :-)

Why waste your time keeping on confronting him? In eight years this other person has been a fairly permanent feature of your life. She, violent, has some kind of hold over him to keep extracting money the way she does and you've broken up several times over her already. Every time he promises to drop contact, he breaks the promise and you'd be daft to think that's ever going to change. To misquote the late Princess of Wales 'there are three people in your relationship'.

Save yourself a lot of time and upset. Make a new life for yourself and your DD that doesn't involve either DP or his girlfriend.

'She's violent'.. that should have said.

I just realised i didnt give the post a title. dd kept me up all night lol. i just dont know if i can just go by a feeling and would.he risk loosing me and his daughter. i should have never given him the chance before cauae i think ill always.be wary xxx

It's not a feeling is it? You've listed a lot of actual examples of where he has been dishonest & secretive when it comes to this horrible woman. A decent man wouldn't bother with, let alone lend money to, someone who had threatened their partner. He certainly wouldn't lie about it again and again. If he loses his family, it will be entirely his fault If you keep giving him second chances and you end up heartbroken, that will be entirely your fault

BTW.... No-one lends money to someone that nasty without a very good reason. What is he not telling you? What dirt has she got on him? What service is she supplying?

Angel, my DP had a similar "friend" (not an ex nothing ever happened but my guess is that he would have liked for something to happen and she just kept him hanging on) and my DP has also lend her loads of money (more than a thousand pounds), and has never seen the money back....This girl kept a hold on my man for 10 years until he decided that she was no friend because she only wanted his money or his shoulder to cry or or someone to be besotted with her, she was using him.
I tend to be more hopeful and positive than Cogito, my man has managed to kick the bitch out of his life. I would talk to your DP but not about your fear but have a serious chat with him that he has a family now to look after, you and your DD, that his money should go towards you and not some crazy bitch you has threaten you and treated you improperly. That keeping secrets and lying to you is not on beucase long term relashionships are based on trust. You have given him many chances to reform, he has let you down each time. This is now his last chance and make him understand you mean it, to come clean, to tell you why he continues to lend her money and try and make him see she's just using him and he has to be a better man, a better partner and a better dad. And also explain how this is affecting you and so indirectly your DD. Ask him to confirm he undertsands he hurts you each time he gets in touch with her.
Good luck

Thank you oliveandjim. i am going to give it to the end of the day to see if i have any actual reason to believe that she is 'back' or if im just keeping it all in my mind from the times before. it has helped to hear someone in a similar situation and will talk to him about it awat from dd tonight if i still feel i need to. thank you hun xxx

Sorry OliveandJim but a partner who spends 10 years hanging around another woman hoping for a shag and lending her money has got 'emotional affair' written all over it. How do you cope being the person he settled for rather than his first choice?

You have posted before haven't you about him being disinterested in you and the baby, preferring drinking and being controlling about your mum helping you recover? Didn't he flounce off to his mums?

Sorry, I don't think you can solve his lack of respect for you. You can only leave him.

In fact I see you have posted a number of times. Your last thread in relationships said he had changed since the birth. I don't actually believe that at all from what you say here. I think it is just you have come to see him in a different light.

You have been through a terribly tough time, you can't keep posting about single issues in different parts of mumsnet hoping to find the key to making the father of your child not be a twat to you. With the kindest of intentions, he is being a twat and I suspect he always has been. It isn't your fault or your responsibility, many women (including me) have had babies with abusive men. When we have left our whole world has improved, yes there will be grief but you will not feel ok until you accept he is responsible for who he is and all you can do is refuse to allow yourself and your dd from being treated like crap by him, if that means leaving then you need to leave, if not for your sake then for hers.

It doesn't sound silly. He is behaving suspiciously and changed his password, and he has history of messing about with this woman. It may not be her this time, but it'll be someone else. There's no other reason why he should be acting like this.

Don't get caught up in talking about whether it's wrong to look at his phone, that's just a diversion from the real issues.

From a previous thread of yours....... "she kept stopping breathing and he didnt.want to be there! on way home early hours he.made me hysterical calling me names, hes going to move back to his mums today and ill "never have to deal with him again". ive tried talking to him for weeks now but he just turns it into an arguement."

In another post you said how he kept going back to his parents' house and he kept 'having a go at you' because you didn't want to join him. This isn't just about his inappropriate friendship with someone else. He's immature, irresponsible and - most worrying of all - extremely aggressive.