keeping friends

[yellowvan]

I?m not sure if this belongs here, or in mental health, but anyway, I wonder if anyone else feels like this, or can relate in any way.

I struggle with friends, relationships and social situations, especially keeping friends. Have been friend-dumped more times than I care to remember, but always subtly and never with drama. Have tried to address in various ways and at various times, (counselling x 4, alcohol, self help books, fake it til you make it etc), but to no avail. And it bothers me that it bothers me iyswim.

Anyway, I recently read Wilkinson and Pickett?s ?The Spirit Level?, and it talked about how feelings of insecurity (low social status, low self-worth) can lead to someone feeling threatened, defensive, frightened and lonely, and lead them to cut themselves off . It really really struck a chord with me. For a while I was happy I had read it as I could ?intellectualise? my feelings of crapness: no wonder I feel crap, and actually, it?s ok to feel crap because it?s the inevitable result of formative experiences and environment. But then I got to feeling angry and resentful, of my parents mainly, and their badly handled divorce. I feel I was not prepared for life , (eg no example set of making or having friends, no appropriate boundaries given or modelled, no support, no reining in when I was making a twat of myself).

I can?t say that (blame), though, or so I feel, because everyone believes one is responsible for only oneself, and blaming anyone or anything else for (my) shortcomings is lazy ad weak and abdicates responsibility.. Actually, I don?t believe that is true. We are shaped by circumstance, but that opinion is just one other thing I feel attacked (by the imaginary friends I haven?t got) for.
There is no point discussing this with my mum. I understand on a detached level what she was up against: poor boundaries herself, poor relationship with her mum, lack of insight, single mother trying to make ends meet. I actually feel sorry for her in the abstract, (our relationship is ok now).

I have an mn monologue running constantly through my head about other people in regard to their offish or weird behaviour: maybe they have sn/maybe they had some bad news today/ maybe they?re having an off day, and I explain or excuse people to myself, make allowances and try to accommodate them. (Only my sis (occasionally dh) ever do this for me tho).

So I do ?get? people, even to the extent that I hold in my own opinions because I don?t want what I say to be taken as a criticism of other people?s lifestyle or choices even though I feel constantly under attack for my own choices and opinions. This is exhausting. I can do small talk (even though I dislike it intensely and feel ridiculous and embarrassed every time I hear myself) Also, I can see when and how person A is pissed off with person B, even when person B is oblivious to the problem, so I do have some people skills! But I just can?t seem to like/trust/ enjoy people and be liked/trusted/enjoyed in return. Any thoughts?

I think you're overthinking it a little. Friends are just people that enjoy spending time with each other. Some are casual types who come and go as everyone moves into different phases of life - quite normal. Others -normally a smaller number - are longer-lasting and closer. Some friends are better than others. The type that disappear at the first sign of trouble or are only interested in you for what they can get, those you have to prune out. Treat others as you would like to be treated yourself... that's not a bad rule of thumb. It takes a little effort to remain friends with people but is shouldn't be too much like hard work.

Yes, that's a given!(overthinking). i'm more interested in other people's experiences of letting go of resentment tho, (is it even possible?) and feelings of low worth leading to crippling defensiveness, rather than a 'how-to' guide (been there, done that )

I always think that with this sort of thing,it is indeed important to try and get some more self worth.
Have you tried googling it for some ideas,and books to help.
Love your neighbour as yourself.I think the loving yourself is important.
Have you also tried classes in things that you enjoy that may attract people similar to yourself. Also churches can be non judgemental,so you may that find it a bit easier.
As to resentment,bitterness,anger etc.You could try ignoring the emotion when it pops into your thoughts. It would have to be done repeatedly,but eventually your brain would relearn.

I read your post yesterday, OP, and I have thought about it a lot since then. I could have written almost every word. I just don't like/trust/enjoy people very much either. Although I do have a few good friends and one family member who I like very much indeed . I have spent most of my life with very low self-esteem (largely due to the reasons you describe for your own - rubbish parents basically). Since becoming a teenager (I am now 40), I was very angry about my upbringing and continued poor relationships with my family. However in the last year or so I have spent a huge amount of time and energy in trying to let go of that anger and resentment. For me. And for my new family (I have 3 DC and a DH who have definitely suffered because of my problems). I now understand why my parents and extended family are like they are (they suffered terribly in various ways ). I can't say I forgive them completely as I remember zero effort to improve their parenting but I am far more at peace with everything than I ever thought I could be. I had some counselling but I read a lot of self-help books and found the Stately Homes thread very helpful. It helped me so much to hear how other people have let go of the resentment and managed to function without the past dominating their lives. It is hard and I am very much a work in progress but maybe you need to do a bit more thinking (and forgiving yourself - key to self-esteem I think) before you can actually move on to the trying to make friends stage. Like someone else said, you need to like yourself first...

Another thing I've found is that although I used to think I did want loads of friends, I actually don't! I am naturally introverted and spending too much time with other people exhausts me! I wish it wasn't the case but it is. So I just concentrate on the few good friends I have and I stay away from any potential new friends. Again, I suppose it's about accepting and liking yourself.

I am probably waffling on too much (on my phone so harder to edit!). I think it's about understanding why your upbringing was as it was, forgiving yourself for how you've responded to that, and accepting yourself as you are. I have realised that although I do have many weaknesses and issues because of my family, actually I have done remarkably well to be functioning as I am! OK so I may be an anxious, depressive introvert but I am happily married, have three lovely children and run a house and work etc... It could have been a lot worse... Maybe the same could be said for you?

No helpful advice, just wanted to say I am in exactly the same position, OP, and reading in hope of useful suggestions.
Intellectually I can understand why I feel the way I do, and that I am being far to hard on myself. But I feel like a loser.
On the outside I look pretty successful: good job, nice house, high-achieving DCs...but I am horrendously lonely, have no social life and social phobia that stops me doing things on my own outside the house.

Two good last posts.