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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Some support for a wonderful woman

48 replies

Papillon · 16/03/2006 07:24

Required here!!

Would be great to let her know we are here and thinking of her. That is really ok not to be strong sometimes and that feeling low just makes the bright vision of the future even more alluring.

For ((((((Glitterfairy)))))) Hang in there x X X

OP posts:

Freckle · 19/03/2006 07:56

I do think your solicitor needs to get on top of this one. It would be highly unusual for a court to restrict your right to live your life as you please by stopping you from moving where you want to at any time in the future. I can understand the order being granted if there were a danger of you moving before the final hearing, but it would be totally out of order to grant such an order in the long-term. At the end of the day, it would be a breach of your human rights.

glitterfairy · 19/03/2006 09:47

It is a usual order though for parents if one of them is considering taking the children to another country. I have said I will not move until the end of the summer term in any case.

My solicitor says I will get residency but it doesnt really matter what anyone says at this stage I just think he keeps pulling the cat out of the bag.

The police phoned on Friday and were very helpful and are writing to my solicitor to explain why they did not prosecute him. Apparently because of me and the kids and the effect on us all rather than lack of evidence as x said in court!

In the long run if I get residency I do not see how they can restrict where I live. However, x is arguing it is not in the best interests of the children to move them at this stage in their lives when they need support! He has a point in a way but my eldest is moving schools in September in any case and we have very close friends where I wish to move.

glitterfairy · 20/03/2006 06:25

Cafcas are coming today and I am really scared. THe kids had a great contact with x yesterday. he behaved himself beautifully and of course they were thrilled.

I lost it last night with them a bit and now am off early this morning and cafcass are coming and I feel that everything is going to go wrong. Cant focus on anything else and I wont be here when cafcass are here so I will have no idea what happened.

Freckle · 20/03/2006 07:04

Deep breath and count to 10. There is a wealth of evidence showing x to be mentally unstable and dangerous. There is no evidence to show that you are anything other than a fantastic mum.

Cafcas are not stupid. It is there job to be unbiased and to report in the best interests of the children - and we all know what that is.

ScummyMummy · 20/03/2006 07:05

Sounds really stressful. Hope it goes better than you think. xxxx

beetroot · 20/03/2006 08:54

GF, stop it now. YOu are bound to lose it sometimes ffs. Really good that the kids had great contact and remember that is becasue you have facilitated it. not your bloody h. It will be good for cafcass to spend the time without you. Your kids are not going to bad mouth you, they dont need to.

Go work and take a deep breath. xx

Freckle · 20/03/2006 14:09

How did it go, GF? Will you be told about it or have to wait for the report to be released nearer the hearing?

glitterfairy · 21/03/2006 19:17

Hiya

It seems to have gone ok. She asked the kids who they wanted to live with and they said me. My littlest said she wanted to stay here and the others said they wanted to move with me. My eldest said she didnt want to see more of her dad and so did my son.

I dont trust them though becuase when my youngest told her that she was upset when x threw beer at me in front of beety and all the family cafcass officer said oh well he was upset!

OH YES! So far she has told me that having admitted he hit my son was ok because now he is sorry! She has told my daughter that he was upset and throwing beer is alright in those circumstances. I dont trust her to make the right decisions or to understand that x is really really charming when he wants to be.

Freckle · 21/03/2006 20:10

Don't read too much into what she says to the children. She won't want to be seen to be slagging their dad off by saying "Oh how dreadful, he certainly shouldn't have thrown that beer!" She was probably merely playing it down. The children had to feel comfortable with her in order to be free to say what they wanted. If they'd thought she was against their dad, they might have clammed up for fear of making it worse.

How long before you get to see the report?

glitterfairy · 22/03/2006 07:18

THey report on the 12th May but we are in court again to talk about contact on the 29th March and to review what has happened so far!

I am dreading it. I have refused to meet x with cafcass and am going to continue. My solicitor said I have nothing to lose but I cannot feel comfortable with him in the room as he will either do the charm offensive and make me sick or he will be a bully and make me cry with frustration at his lies.

anorak · 22/03/2006 08:20

I had to meet my ex in CAFCASS and although I dreaded it and it was hard to do, it worked in my favour. My ex was all sweetness and light at first but he couldn't resist talking to me in his habitual sneering way after a while. It's the familiarity, I think, and the chat is designed to lull you into relaxing and showing your true colours.

He was like your ex, laying on the charm at first, but since the CAFCASS man had been impartial, I suppose he thought he was on his side, and got relaxed enough to stop being careful how he spoke to me. At one point the CAFCASS man looked so angry I could have believed he would hit my ex, how gratified do you think that made me feel ?

Do try and face it because if you don't the CAFCASS will assume you've got something to hide.

I know your ex is a charm expert but these people are trained to see through the facade.

anorak · 22/03/2006 08:21

What I mean to say is that if your ex does talk to you in a bullying way that's great because it will show the CAFCASS lady that you've been telling the truth about him.

melsy · 22/03/2006 08:43

I didnt see this until this morning.

I dont really know what to say , as everyone seems so much more equipped to give great advice on this type of situation.

I just wanted to show that I had seen this and thinking of you. Reading your posts make me well up for you, (although I cry at a lot right now!!). I hope the hearing goes the way it needs to for you and that xh's true colours come through , and as my mum always says "it doesnt just go down in your boots" !!! As paps and my hypnotherapist always said , you do right by allowing your self and accepting hurts and upsets and letting them come to the surface, that way you heal them and then get through it. I think you know that, but need a space to have some care and support through it. xxxxxx

beetroot · 22/03/2006 08:56

I am not sure it is a good idea of GF to meet with XH with or without cafcass. She is not confindent in the cafcass woman and needs to feel supported and not vunerable right now. I think at present GF needs to lock down the doors and bolt the hatches. Maybe in a few weeks GF???

anorak · 22/03/2006 09:18

I do understand that. I felt just as vulnerable and frightened confronting my ex with CAFCASS. I too didn't feel confident that the CAFCASS man had judged the situation accurately. But that all changed after having the meeting. It laid my fears to rest, because my ex's true colours came out and I could see that the CAFCASS man had taken it all on board. I felt very much better and more confident from that point on. The whole business became far less worrying. I am just hoping the same could happen for GF.

glitterfairy · 22/03/2006 10:05

I am in two minds anorak. My cafcass woman seems to go whole heartedly with x and to be honest he is quite capable of being wonderful for an hour or two.

anorak · 22/03/2006 10:36

Well you know the situation best, of course. I just thought maybe knowing what happened to me might help you.

I sincerely hope this woman is being impartial and that her apparent liking for him is part of that. We need these people to be professional.

The world is so unfair, I'm just so frustrated for you.

glitterfairy · 22/03/2006 18:02

Thank you anorak and I am considering going. I am going to ask if I can take a friend who will not say anything but can support me by being present.

They may well say no but I can ask.

beetroot · 22/03/2006 18:04

If you go, GF, you have to KNOW that you will be clam and not let him push your buttons.

glitterfairy · 22/03/2006 19:36

I dont know though do I I must try as hard as I can that is all! I will probably talk about it in court next week to be honest.

Kathlean · 22/03/2006 19:43

Hi there

Weren't you worried that he would charm all the people in the court a while ago? Look how that turned out (-:

From what I have read on here I think you are doing fantastic. Look at the calendar everyday the 12th of May is getting closer and this next hurdle will be over and done with.

Every step you take gets you further away from the control of this man and he doesn't have the patients (spelling??) to be on his good behaviour for all that time.

He will f'up again and there will be light at the end of the tunnel sometime.

Good luck and stay strong (-:

glitterfairy · 22/03/2006 20:34

LOL Kathlean yes my fears are perhaps a tad irrational but I lived with it for so long now 16 years of marriage and 29 of friendship it seems really hard ot let go of!

glitterfairy · 24/03/2006 20:14

Signed all the finance stuff today and got my certificate saying I can have a divorce. Of course my plonker of an x is objecting to paying costs and is turning up at decree nisi in a few weeks to say why after sending in a statement what a waste of bloody money!

I have spoken to cafcass woman you will be pleased to know anorak and she was ok. they are coming again on monday and wednesday is us in court again over kids another directions hearing. I am so sick of it all but I know that for many this is a really quick divorce. I only started proceedings in december.

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