It's getting me down now

[FedBloodyUp]

Have namechanged as my normal forum name is one I use everywhere. Okay, so there's a huuge amount I would have to say to explain this fully, so I'm just going to sum up the more current points. DH has depression, which is going untreated after a few false starts with meds, talking to drs etc. It's hand in hand with anxiety, and he's had alcohol dependency issues in the past which have lessened but not gone away. So, generally, he is troubled, and not well.

The trouble is, I'm not well either. I am registered as disabled, and he is my carer, and both the DC are still young. (DC1 starts school tomorrow.)

We've both been stuck at home all through the holidays, which I know is making this worse, but I'm just getting to the point where every day I just long for the day to be over and the DC to go to bed so I can switch off. I spend too long at the PC but it feels like my only window out onto the world (neither of us work atm since I am not fit enough). DH is snappy and short-tempered all the time, and obsessing over the amount of time I spend on the PC, and how he is convinced it is making my health worse and I should stop using it, though he knows that my social interactions are virtually all online, as I've never been very good at making RL friends. (Yikes, that makes me sound crap.) My health also limits my ability to go out, as does the amount I worry about DH's ability to cope with the kids.

Essentially, things haven't changed for the better in the last year or so, and I'm getting to the point where I am becoming a crappy mother. I don't want to do anything with the DC, I just want to shut it all out. I'm worried about my health enough that I am going to make an appointment with my GP so that it doesn't get out of hand. Most of all though, I'm at the point where I feel like I married two men. There's my real DH, who was funny and happy and made me sing inside, and there's Depressed DH, who is grumpy and bad tempered and makes me feel generally rubbish. And I feel dreadful for saying that, because it's not him that is being this way, it's his illness, but it's destroying me and I'm worried that it is going to destroy our relationship. That maybe it already has.

I just...I feel like I don't know him any more. In the evenings we sit and do our own things, we hardly ever talk, and I see the differences in our interests more than the similarities. We're growing apart, and the more I type here the more I see it. I want to fix this, to do something, but he won't even talk about anything. Every time we start to have a discussion it ends up with one of us losing out rag and starting an argument instead. And then, just when I think it's time to cut and run and work out the shitter my life would end up in later (I'm not sure how I would manage the DC alone, for starters), Real DH comes back for a while and I remember all the things I love about him, and I feel like the worst person in the world for wanting to leave him when he's ill. I'm the only person he will talk to about his health. If I leave him, I'm worried that he'll hurt himself in some way. Not because he has said he would (he hasn't said anything of that sort that I can recall) but because of how he has reacted on the couple of occasions we've teetered on the edge of splitting.

And now I find myself feeling more relaxed and at ease in the company of people I chat to online than I do with him. I feel like I'm sinking in this fug of emotions and I don't know what to do or who to talk to.

Oh dear, that OP turned out a lot longer than I had planned. For a TL;DR: My DH has depression that is turning him into a different person, and I'm feeling like crap but he's my carer as I am disabled, and I have no idea what to do to turn things around. I don't even know if they can be.

My ex husband suffered from depression and I think the whole house suffers with it if one person does.

He HAS to get treated. It's just not good enough for him to sit there in a deep pit of depression and expect you to manage. No wonder you want to go online.

I think you need treatment too. I certainly did when I was living with my ex. (We didn't divorce over his depression, btw.) You will feel miles better if you do get something for yourself.

I can understand it must be additionally miserable for him if you are locked into an online world. Could you come to a compromise? Could you agree that if he will go to the doctor and get treatment and if you too will get treatment, that you will spend much less time online. What about agreeing to an hour in the morning, an hour in the afternoon and an hour in the evening? You might need to set a timer as an hour goes by really quickly. He would have to agree, though, to really be with you during the rest of the day and not just sit in silence.

I had to take a tough stance and tell my ex that if he didn't get treatment I would get a divorce. How would your husband react if you said the same?

From the sounds of it he has good reason to be depressed. No work therefore money problems, a disabled wife and DC to look after, stuck at home throughout the summer holidays so presumably no downtime for him and you're online all the time.

You say you don't want to do anything with the DC. Surely that can't help matters for him.

I'm not having a go at you, sorry if it sounds that way, but you BOTH have to work this out together. You say you have different interests, his are probably his escape from the difficulties as being online is for you.

You need to talk and listen to each other.

I think I remember your previous threads FedUp.

Some random thoughts in no particular order:

There is nothing wrong with having a social life online. But just like a "real life" social life, it can be misused to escape from a close relationship when you'd be better off addressing whatever's wrong. Not saying that's what you're doing - I don't know enough to be sure.

Of course, turning it around, maybe your feeling that you relax more with other friends than with DH is perfectly valid. It's not his fault - not anyone's fault - if you feel that way.

It is very, very hard to live with a permanently depressed person. Don't underestimate the effect it is having on your own mental health. It's not normal (as you know) to not want to do anything with your kids. Your mention of sinking into the "fug" is a red flag as far as I'm concerned. When I feel the fog closing in around me, and I'm feeling so many emotions that I know longer really know what they are, and do things like internet/drink a bit too much to blot them out, I know it's time to go to the doctors.

One thing I think I remember from your previous threads is people who seemed to know their stuff thought you would be able to get benefits etc to help with the DCs if you were to end up on your own. Sorry, I don't want to make you out yourself, but did you consider any of those possibilities? Just so you know they're there? It doesn't mean you have to leave DH, but it might help to have a clear idea of what your alternatives are. I know when one is slipping into depression it is weirdly hard to investigate practical ways forward - it all kind of slips out of your mind.

Also meant to say: the two people thing is actually true, as far as I'm concerned. I'm not sure whether a health professional would back me up, but in my experience it is perfectly possible for the depressed, grumpy person to be just as "true" as the fun, loving person. Or at least for the two to co-exist for so many years that it doesn't really make much odds for the people around them.

There is a lot of positive talk about curing depression, and that's great because it encourages people not to suffer in silence. But in practical terms lots of people suffer on and off for years, and managing it is a task that's never finished. It's not their fault, but it's not a temporary aberration either. It's less like an "illness", and more like a condition, like having to live with diabetes.

I know this is not great to hear - and I don't know your DH, he may be totally different - but I just want to give a different perspective on the idea that depression is something that goes away with treatment. It doesn't always, or permanently.

I think what I got from the post is that medical intervention isn't going to solve this in as much as it is probably their situation that is making him depressed. If they can solve some of their practical day to day difficulties it might help him cope better, help them both.

Just popping pills isn't going to present a job or better life opportunities or a better relationship. But equally it's hard to think your way out of the fog once you're in it without some assistance.

When you talk to your GP about your health issues, can you also discuss the possibility of joint counselling? It sounds a lot like you two have just disconnected, but you have such a huge amount to contend with it is hardly surprising. Counseling may just get you talking again if neither of you knows where to start?

As you relearn how to talk to each other, chances are you will need the online life less, but I understand what a fantastic support system it is. Don't do anything rash, like cutting yourself off from people that care about you, but the fact you don't want to do anything with your children is worrying. They really really need you.

Thanks everyone.

He's had depression and issues of a related sort since childhood, so this is an ongoing thing. It took him a good year and a half to tell me the full extent of it all, as much as he has told anyone. I'm still not convinced I know exactly what went wrong or if there's something he hasn't told me yet.

He won't talk to doctors, and he thinks counselling is quackery that doesn't work for him. I had CBT as part of my treatment, and while he wasn't snubby of it he didn't really pay much notice to it.

I know it's hard for him, and my health makes it worse. I just find it so hard to get motivated to even do anything about it. At the moment - and I know this is my perception so it will be biased - I just feel like whatever I suggest to help matters he turns down. He makes plans to walk every evening, and that stops, he decides to grow veg and then gets down about how they didn't grow properly. He complains I'm on the PC all the time and not communicating with him and then spends all day with earphones in listening to the radio. He does a lot more in terms of household chores, because he shuts himself away in the kitchen cooking and doing the dishes.

I'm verging on a rant now, and I feel awful, but I just don't know what to do. We've had several big arguments in the last few months where he's threatened to walk or I've told him to get out, and I'm just scared. I look at him and sometimes I love him and sometimes I wonder where the man I fell in love with is.

I've tried to use the PC less over the last few days, and we've certainly done more as we've been getting DC1 ready for school. I'm just so tired, emotionally. I keep finding things I wrote a few years ago about feeling crap and down, and I'm wondering whether things can ever change.

so sad for both of you

It must be so frustrating for you if he will not help to fix it. I can completely understand why you are switching off.

Could you go to Relate or similar by yourself to talk through your options? It must be pretty horrible to see this life stretching ahead of you.

So sorry op x

don't give up things can change, kids are back at school so that will offer a respite of sorts, give you both a few hours without them to talk, think, regroup.

is there anyone else in his life who might be able to influence seeking external help?

whats wrong with you ? can you not work at all ?

Is it feasible for him to go and stay with friends/family for a bit? And could anyone come and give you a hand with the kids during that time? Not anything as formal as trial separation. Just a couple of weeks for you each to get yourselves out of this great joint rut of problems and resentment. If it was just you and the kids all day, I suspect you'd probably pull out of the fog quite quickly, in terms of wanting to be more involved with them again.

It's also possible it might kickstart him (or cause someone else to kickstart him) into going to the doctors, because that is pretty much vital, isn't it. I stand by what I said about cures for depression not being guaranteed, but what is absolutely guaranteed is that he won't get any better if he doesn't at least have a go at tackling it.

You seem to spend a lot of your time and energy going round in circles, feeling down, and confused, and resentful, and then guilty. And while it's not his fault, he is in many ways the source of those feelings. I think if you got yourself a bit of functioning temporary space you could start confronting the big "can this work or not" question properly. I don't think you're doing that at the moment. As you've said several times, "I don't know what to do." I'm not surprised - I don't think you've got the headspace to think properly about it.

I know you'll immediately see all the reasons why this couldn't possibly happen. And who am I to say you're not right. But I don't think you can go on as you are, can you.

Lemon, I have epilepsy (more or less controlled) and non-epileptic seizures which are brought on by stress. At the moment I'm having the non-epileptic seizures most days, so I'm basically unemployable. I certainly don't know anyone who would be willing to give me a job. Because they are unpredictable, even going out has its risks, especially if I have the DC with me.

It also means that lots of really basic stuff is dangerous for me to do if I'm alone, such as bathing the DC. I have to have someone around for that, in case I drop while they're in the bath. (DC are both under 5.) I also worry that suggesting to DH that he stay with his parents a while will terrify him. He alternates between being really frsutrated/annoyed with me and terrified of losing me at the moment.

I have made an appointment with my GP to talk things through. That's coming up next week. I just don't know whether to keep on holding on until then or tell DH everything that's on my mind first.

I think you need to talk to your GP in terms of finding out what additional help is available to you. Also, have you been in touch with any epilepsy charities or groups? Because I think the root of the problem is that both you and your H are ill, and not fully functioning, and therefore unable to take proper care of yourselves and each other, so you need at least temporary practical assistance.