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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to handle this next time...

10 replies

Whitershadeofpale · 04/09/2012 15:05

Something fairly trivial in the scheme of things happened to me last night with my ex and has left me pissed off. The same situation is very likely to occur again and I was wondering if you thought my plan was the best way of dealing with things.

Backstory is that I was with my ex for 10 years between the age of 14 and 24. In that time, I got a degree that I supported myself through, worked 2 jobs after graduation to make ends meet (all day in office and then waitressing at night) and began a professional career. He left school at 16, briefly went to college before dropping out and then never had a real job (got sacked after a week's trial as a barman because he couldn't hack it, walked out of a job in Homebase and and a job in a warehouse as he thought he was above them). Instead he did odd work for a friend of a friend designing websites and other bits and pieces for whatever pie in the sky idea he had that month. Sometimes he was paid for this (usually about £50 a week) but more often than not the bloke used to take my ex off for nights out and pay for erverything.

Although we had other issues it was mainly he lack of motivation and ability to grow up that resulted in me splitting up with him just over 2 years ago. I wanted to leave good few years before we split up but found it difficult as he was still very much in love with me and I knew ending it would devistate him.

Since the breakup I have never felt anything except for relief and wish I had found the strength to end it much sooner. I deliberately avoided entering a new relationship as I wanted to learn how to be single. He got a new girlfriend quite soon after we broke up and moved in with her not long after. In the time since we split up with have stayed in touch from time to time (an email every 4 months or so) just seeing how the other one is but have never met up. His sister and her bf live at the end of my road and I see them from time to time at the shops etc and have always said hello and exchanged chit chat. My DM happenned to bump into ex's sis's bf on Saturday who mentioned to her that ex and his gf have had some problems in their flat and have moved in with him.

Anyway, yesterday when coming home from work the bus was crowded so I was standing at the front by the driver. As the bus thinned out a few stops from home I sat down and noticed that ex and his new gf were sitting at the back of the bus and were chatting to each other. We should have all got off at the same stop but I ex got off a stop early. As he was getting off the bus he caught my eye, I smiled and did a quick wave but he turned his back on me and completely blanked me Angry

His face didn't look surprised to see me and I think he must have seen me get on the bus. He then didn't walk past my house, which would be the obvious way home but instead walked a long arse way around deliberately to avoid me.

I know it's small but it's really pissed me off. I have done nothing wrong and am not some dirty little secret to be swept under the carpet. Now they're living so close I'm sure I'll see them again, especially as I think his gf was on her way home from work, so obviosly commutes on the same journey I do and want to know what to do for the best. I don't want to tell him I'm annoyed as I'm sure he'll twist it that I'm upset as I still have feelings for him but if I ignore him I feel as if I'm complicit in a lie.

I was thinking if I see them again just to go up and say 'hi how are you? You must be x nice to meet you (to gf).' What do you think?

Sorry for the lengthy rant but it has unexplicably got my goat.

OP posts:
lazarusb · 04/09/2012 15:45

I think I would do exactly what you suggest and go up to him. If he's happy to e-mail you I don't see why he wouldn't be happy to say hello on the bus or in the street. I wonder if those e-mails have been a source of conflict in their relationship?

ClippedPhoenix · 04/09/2012 15:56

Time to cut all ties now I think OP.

Whitershadeofpale · 04/09/2012 16:03

I agree Clipped, I'm not interested now. I think maybe he hasn't told his gf about the emails. There's nothing in them I would mind a bf seeing, in fact the people I've dated since the split have known about them. They're very much just 'Hi, how are you? Did you have a nice Christmas? How's your Nan, has she had a date for her op yet? That sort of thing.

Like I said we've had maybe a total of 5 email conversations in the 2 years we've been apart.

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 04/09/2012 16:07

He may have even been bad mouthing you to her going for the sympathy vote over the break up and therefore couldn't introduce you. Who knows OP ay.

He isn't worth bothering about. Just blank him next time you see him.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/09/2012 16:13

He definitely hasn't told the new g/f about the e-mails. If you're feeling vindictive & want to start a war, next time you see them say 'haven't seen you in ages, when are you going to e-mail me again? If you'd rather consign him to the past... which I heartily recommend... cut all ties and don't acknowledge him if you pass in the street.

Whitershadeofpale · 04/09/2012 16:39

I'm torn really. I don't want to be vindictive but I feel that by ignoring him I'm still under his control to some extent iykwim as he's getting his way.

That's why a thought just a quick hi would be best. Because that way I'm doing what I'd usually do without dropping him in the shit but I'm sure it will make him squirm.

but if he gives me any shit will drop into conversation 'oh you never mentioned you were moving back'

I definately have no intention of emailing him again now, although to be fair 90% of the time he's contacted me first.

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 04/09/2012 21:38

Why do you think ignoring him would mean you were still under his control?

Saying "hi" after being blatantly ignored yourself to me would mean you were still wanting something from him.

What do you still want from him OP?

LemonDrizzled · 04/09/2012 21:47

Whiter you are clearly far too good for him and moving out of his league. he is still sending emails to keep in touch as an insurance policy. He sounds like a serial cocklodger and you are well shot of him.

Him ignoring you is just a way of getting your attention and unsettling you so you question whether you still have any power over him. You don't need him! Move on and find someone worthy of you! You sound fabulous

Whitershadeofpale · 04/09/2012 21:48

I don't want anything from him. I wouldn't be bothered to never see or hear from him again (I don't wish him any harm ill though).

The reason I would feel under his control is that I'd be doing something that felt unnatural i.e ignoring someone I've known for 13 years just to satisfy his desire for me to be invisible.

OP posts:
Whitershadeofpale · 04/09/2012 21:51

lemon thank you. He is and I really hope I don't bump into him again, he's certainly shown his true colours.

OP posts:
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