cheating brother in law

[wanttoletthisgo]

my soon to be ex brother in law was with my sister for 15years married for about 5. he treated my sister very badly for the last year or so of their marriage before they separated. it was put down to being stressed at work but it turned out he was cheating on her. he started cheating while she was pregnant with 2nd child, they already had a 2yr old. he told so many lies to my sister i still cant understand how anyone can tell so many lies without caring how they affect other people. how can you suddenly not care at all about someone you once loved? he also had a horrific temper- he never physically abused her but definitely did so psychologically.

i live very close to them and got caught up in the lies.. as did his family etc. for example i bumped into him in a city- not our hometown, we were both there for work, or so i thought.. he was just visiting his mistress- thats where she lived. i had a meal with him there- and it drives me nuts thinking about the lies he told.

hes now moved out, got his bachelor pad. sees his kids every other weekend lets them stay up late and eat junk food- whatever they want, watch dvds, play video games and teaches them bad manners.

I hate him so much, hate like Ive never felt before. its about 1.5 years since we found out. i know there is nothing to be gained from feeling like this. i cannot talk to him to tell him how i feel as my sister has forbid it. i am getting consumed by my hatred and i know its really bad for me. i think about it when i work out- so that ruined, i cant banish it from my head and every night before i fall asleep it comes into my head, going over all the lies and what i wish i could say to him and things i wish i could tell his family.

my sister wants to keep a dignified silence and i will respect that. but i hate hate hate hate hate him so much

No advice I'm afraid but I want to post my cheating OHs texts all over his Facebook page ( that he's left open) so the world or at least his family, her family and all their colleagues can see.....
I've restrained myself so far.....

I don't understand it either....

I'd also love to comment on all her holiday pics that she really shouldn't be in a bikini and how rough she looks without make up...... I won't. For now.

I feel for you both in this. I think your sister has taken the right approach in forbidding back talk about her children's father. If I were you I would find somewhere private (and I mean really private, like a counsellor's office or writing letters which you then immediately destroy rather than showing round the family, not the internet to be honest) to express your hatred.

At least one of the reasons he would have lied would have been to protect your sister; a completely wrong thing to do but he didn't lie purely for the sake of lying IYSWIM. He is still your nieces and nephews' father and at least he is seeing them, even if his parenting isn't perfect. They are half him as well.

I relate to your post OP, I think I hate my MIL in a similar way but I decided recently that my hatred was only hurting me, and decide to empower myself. By trying to ignore her and lead a happy life I upset her a lot more than anything nasty I could say to her. The same goes for your sister. Her ex H will be mortified if she picks herself up and leads a happy life.

What helped me a little was to try and catch myself re-assess sentences uttered by MIL or when I was thinking about what she's done I'd force myself to think about my son or happy thoughts. I recently congratulated myself for falling asleep with a smile on my face. You are the master of your own thoughts, try and control them. You are achieving nothing by thinking about that horrible creature. Your name is to let it go so try to do just that. Accept that he's a dickhead, you won't change him, you probalby wouldn't be able to reaosn with him, just just let it go, move on, tihnk about something else, he is not worthy of your efforts, he is only worthy of ignorance. it's all mental gymnastics but it can work.

Have you thought about writing him a letter - but never posting it. Just put down everything you feel about all the lies, deceit and hurt that he hase caused and don't hold back....BUT DO NOT POST IT!

I did this recently with my STBXH - and I must admit that I felt sooooo much better afterwards and found that he doesn't 'pop' into my thoughts as much now x

thanks oliveandjim

He sounds like a sociopath. I do believe that spending even limited time in the company of a true sociopath (they're not all murderers) can affect you psychologically, and what you are experiencing is a perfectly normal reaction.

I don't think sociopaths lie to protect other people, I think they lie to protect themselves from consequences. I also think people pussyfoot around them too much without calling them up on their behaviour, and partly as a result, they think they can get away with it.

I'd be tempted to write that letter, and post it! And then move on. Or you honestly might need a little counselling to help you deal with it. Your DS ironically might be more immune to it, as she's had to put up with it for so long.

Living with hate will only hurt you - it won't affect this man in the slightest. Even if you could sit down with him tomorrow and tell him how angry you were, I don't think that would help the way you feel. If your sister can let it go, you have to make a big effort to do the same. If she can tolerate her children being up all night eating junk food, that's her call. If you're angry at her for not being angry enough... maybe tell her.