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Original poster

Missing:libido. (Or it would be if I ever had one...)

17 replies

LaTristesse · 03/09/2012 22:32

I'm guessing a trip to the GP might be in order but I don't just want to be dished out Viagra or whatever the female equivalent might be. I think my issues with sex are more mental and would rather sort them out than take a pill to mask it all for long enough for DH to get his leg over...(I've spent years trying to work out why I'm like it, but have no answers - not abused, not gay, just not interested!)

DC2 born 5 months ago and we've only DTD twice in that time. I do find him attractive but don't get turned on, never really have. Have no desire to masturbate either. He on the other hand has a high sex drive. Because I know it's important to him i want to try and sort myself out. But where do I start?

OP posts:

likeatonneofbricks · 03/09/2012 22:54

er..was it fair to get married to him if you knew he had a high lubido? and you can't change yourself if not interested, not fair on you either, it's best to find a partner who's the same. As you aer married, it wouldn't harm to try counselling in case something is affecting you from the past (and you may not realise).

mcmooncup · 03/09/2012 22:57

You say he has never turned you on......................you can't force the feeling

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/09/2012 23:25

How's your general health? Something as simple as low iron stores - extremely common in young women - can affect libido negatively. So can more serious conditions like diabetes or depression. Could be worth having a general check-up and taking nutritional supplements as a precaution.

mercibucket · 03/09/2012 23:32

Yup, get some blood tests done to check all ok (thyroid, iron etc) but if you've always had a low sex drive maybe it's not that
Maybe an obvious question, but is it an aversion rather than lack of libido because I'm wondering why it's stopping you having sex.

mercibucket · 03/09/2012 23:32

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/09/2012 23:36

Another question... when it happens, do you enjoy sex? Not to orgasm, necessarily, but do you get pleasure from the experience?

Original poster

LaTristesse · 04/09/2012 06:16

Thanks all.
Cogito, yes when it happens I do enjoy it, for the most part, but it takes me ages to get into it. He's an attentive partner and always considerate to my needs, I always orgasm with him.
Merci, not really sure what you mean by an aversion rather than lack of libido. I'm not sure I see the difference, which may in itself be a problem!
Mooncup, of the partners I have had he definitely turns me on the most, when we do have sex, and I do manage to get into it, I do enjoy it. But I never feel turned on beforehand. It'll never be me that initiates things.

And yes it was one of the things we talked about endlessly before getting married, that we were sexually very different, and I felt he needed someone with more drive, but he was insistent it didn't matter and he'd go without for me, that kind of stuff. But it hasn't stopped me feeling guilty when he does go without.

I'll get some tests done, but as far as I'm aware my health is fine.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/09/2012 08:22

I think if you enjoy it you should very simply do it more often. I'd still suggest a health-check but, beyond that, I think you could achieve a lot if you made it a more conscious decision rather than waiting for inspiration to strike.

mercibucket · 04/09/2012 08:43

Basically I meant what cognito said, but she said it better

I would never say, have sex even if you hate it, but if it's ok (and you reach orgasm - even better) then why not just do it more often? Schedule it into the week for a couple of times at least and just get on with it would be my advice

mercibucket · 04/09/2012 08:43

Basically I meant what cognito said, but she said it better

Bluemary3000 · 04/09/2012 10:15

My DH and I have always had different sex drives, his high (well it was until the kids) and mine low. It got to a point after my mum died that it was so bad, that I went to the GP. I was prescribed testoterone as that affects womens sex drives. That didn't work. So we were sent to a sex councillor together. V strange having to talk openly in front of someone else, but it worked. Basically you have to learn to pleasure yourself and build up your sex drive that way as the more you do it, the more your body wants it. Then play with each other and set a time limit not to have sex, just fun.Thats builds tension and desire. Masterbate in the house when he is there and tell him. Dont be embarassed as it normal and this may get any form of anxiety out of your head.
Also, if you have been on the pill for many years, this too severely affects it. So start at the beginning again and work from there. It worked for me and now we have met somewhere in the middle.
It did take months and months after having each kid to get back to that as you need to let your hormones settle back down.

Original poster

LaTristesse · 04/09/2012 12:09

Thanks again all. I've made a docs appt today (not for weeks, easy to see Santa Claus at our surgery), but I'm a little nervous about the possibility of being given testosterone! I'm not sure me growing a beard will really help matters!

Interesting Blue, thanks for your insights. I have been on the pill for over 20 years (with 2 years out for babies) so maybe that's it. When im there I'll ask about alternatives...
A lot of the sex counselling things sound terribly embarrassing, but again that's probably part of my problem!
I do understand the 'more you do it, more you want it' thing. When we were TTC DC2 we did it quite a lot (for me), even though I fell pg immediately, but I did feel more into it in that time.
DH is so sad today, I really want to sort this out...

OP posts:

Numberlock · 04/09/2012 12:19

Does anything else turn you on, eg reading erotic literature (I don't mean 50 Shades shite), watching an erotic film (not porn)? Just thinking of things that would get you in the mood. If you enjoy sex once it's underway, you just need something to get you in the right frame of mood perhaps?

Bluemary3000 · 04/09/2012 12:21

Hi, the pill was a massive factor and actually only by coming off it twice, I realised how much it affected me. I was on it for about 15yrs before finally stopping it. Our way was drastic as we realied that bar condems every other contraceptive for women has hormones in it and thats what we were trying to avoid. So DH had a vasectomy.
The embarrassment was huge for me as DH is so open about his body and sex and it seems very natural to him. Whereas I think about the way I look, am I doing it right, is he happy, will I orgasm and once I'm in that mnindset, I may as well roll over and go to sleep. The counsellor and the homework I was given really helped me relax and just let go. Meaning that although it still takes a while, I enjoy it much more. Once I learnt to enjoy it, I wanted it more. I appeared to miss an explorative stage in my life and I think thats where it stems from. Sex counsellors if you find the right one, have that way of opening up. You will know when you meet them first the first time whether you like them as you need to feel comfortable and safe with them.
Testosterone comes in gel packs and I just rubbed it on my arm once a day, but as I said, it didn't make any difference.
Just an idea is also to get a bit tipsey with your DH and have a chat then as you find you might open up a bit more and discuss it further, this way your DH wont feel so sad as I know my DH even though he knew and understood how I felt, blamed himself.

ErikNorseman · 04/09/2012 12:52

I would advise coming off the pill for a start! The gp may advise that before anything else anyway. Are you on microgynon? It is notorious for killing womens' sexual responses.

Bluemary3000 · 04/09/2012 12:55

I was on Microygyn for years, so I would agree with that. They also put my on Yasmin, I personally dont know anyone that hasn't had an issue with that one. Depression, mood swings, even further lack of libido etc etc.

ErikNorseman · 04/09/2012 12:57

I'm on Yasmin due to pmt and I have no problem with it, but I think op should come off hormonal bc altogether tbh.

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