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Original poster

Chance to damage ex's new relationship - do I bother??

37 replies

neenypeeps · 03/09/2012 22:03

So, background, this is the age old story of H lying and cheating. After I caught him we agreed to give our marriage another go as we've 2 small children and then I found out he never gave up the OW. So now he's gone and I'm pretty sure he's moved in with her even though he says not. Of course I'm devastated but I don't want him back. This has all unfolded over the last 5 months - you've just got the very abridged version!

Throughout all this I have remained dignified, and civilised at all times. I promised myself that if nothing else I would be able to look back, hold my head up and say I did my best and I behaved well. We have managed to remain 'amicable' (starting to hate that word) mainly due to me doing everything I can to protect the kids. BUT I hate the thought the the OW having any kind of influence or part in my children's life. Apart from the fact that she clearly thinks sleeping with other people's husbands is acceptable I know enough about her to know that she is just not the kind of person I want them to be around. I know she did not break any promises, I know that my ex is the villain of the piece but frankly I'd like to break them up.

So I have 2 bits of information that could cause them difficulties. One is that he has joined an online dating site in the last 3 months and is active on it. This could be revealed by simply sending her a link to his profile anonymously. The second is that he went on a holiday with us while we were 'trying again' and I'm pretty sure he lied to her and told her he was away on a work trip at the time.

Do I surrender the moral high ground and act on this? I'm pretty sure I could do it without him finding out that I'm the source. I've got to the point that I think that the best revenge is that she gets to deal with his shit but I don't want her in my kids' lives.

Opinions? Advice?

OP posts:
pictish · 03/09/2012 22:06

You already know the answer to this don't you?

Houseofplain · 03/09/2012 22:06

No. It'll just make you look unhinged. Which is what he will tell her. Along with, you signed him up, etc.

SayWhatWhat · 03/09/2012 22:06

sounds like he will provide enough rope to well and truly hang himself,and I think that you will find it far more satisfying to let him do that by himself :)

ErikNorseman · 03/09/2012 22:09

Leave it alone. They deserve each other!

meditrina · 03/09/2012 22:11

I hate to be blunt, but if it's not her entering your DCs life, it'll probably be someone else idc and that could be anyone (or a series of anyones). And if he thinks you had any hand in it, you may be dealing with him aggrieved too. There is every chance it will make things a whole heap worse.

Stick on the high ground, no matter how much you hate it (and her).

pictish · 03/09/2012 22:14
  1. As regards the holiday he took with you, while telling her he was away with work. It's a moot point now. He'll make out he couldn't get out of it, and anyway he has left you for her now hasn't he? She'll dismiss it out of hand. It won't split them up.
  1. They'll know the anonymous person sending the dating profile is you. Who else is it likely to be? He'll say you set him up. Because you've gone to the bother of sending it to her, she will believe him.

Don't do it to yourself. xxx

DisabilEightiesChick · 03/09/2012 22:17

I can totally see why you want to, but it's quite likely to come out anyway. If you send the stuff, he will explain it away and then be on his guard. Let him trip himself up as no doubt he will.

Original poster
neenypeeps · 03/09/2012 22:17

I know you're right. Damn it Smile.

Meditrina, I know he will have partners in the future and I honestly think I can deal with that. It's dealing with the one who contributed to the breakup of my family that I see being a huge problem for me.

OP posts:
DisabilEightiesChick · 03/09/2012 22:18

Is she having lots of contact with the kids btw? I can see how you might want to take that slowly, as an issue in itself.

BurlingtonBertieFromBow · 03/09/2012 22:20

She probably wouldn't believe you anyway, and as he has probably told her you are mental it will only contribute to that impression.

Floralnomad · 03/09/2012 22:24

It may sound harsh but in the long run you are well rid of him. If it hadn't been that OW it would be another , some men are just not worth the effort. Give it a few years and he will probably do the same again to her ,leopards and cheating men rarely change their spots. Keep the moral high ground .

Xales · 03/09/2012 22:27

Have an STI check to make sure you are clean then leave the skanky pair to shag around and get whatever they are lucky enough to.

Original poster
neenypeeps · 03/09/2012 22:30

Oh I know I'm well rid. At least in my head, if not my heart. I just don't want to ever have to deal with her. The kids have no contact with her yet as we are working out access details in mediation at the moment. It means he is here a lot at the moment. However, they will have overnights with him soon enough and presumably she will be there.

OP posts:
planetpotty · 03/09/2012 22:36

I truly feel for you but I think you need to find a way to deal with the situation (not easy obviously). Honestly I think if you say anything she will just think you are doing it through spite and want him back - just IMO. If you play with fire - you get burned, I would leave well alone, although I'd be very tempted!

izzyizin · 03/09/2012 22:44

I'm divided on this. The fact that he may have told a pack of lies to the ow when he went on holiday with you while you were under the illusion you were 'trying again' is par for the course and more fool her if she believed him.

However, IMO every woman deserves to know if her sexual health is being put at risk should her current squeeze be playing fast and loose with other women.

On balance and providing it can't come back to bite you on the bum can be done anonymously, I would send the ow a link to his dating site profile out of sisterhood rather than spite and in the hope that another woman would return the favour if I was being cheated on by a serial shagger.

Xales · 03/09/2012 22:50

Well to be honest if I were him my reply to OW would be 'neenypeeps is derranged she set it up to upset you...'

Original poster
neenypeeps · 03/09/2012 22:51

Yes, I'm feeling a real sisterly connection with this woman izzyizin Smile! seriously though I don't think he's actually meeting up with women from the site, more using it to 'chat' (what a catch eh??).

OP posts:
izzyizin · 03/09/2012 22:56

I didn't give that a thought Xales but you're spot on as usual.

I fell into the trap of expecting that my ideals are shared by others.

Original poster
neenypeeps · 03/09/2012 22:58

Yep, I'm convinced. I will be remaining on the moral high ground - a worthy, if lonely place.

So next piece of advice needed is how the hell to deal with the situation in a more mature constructive fashion???

Thanks for all the input...

OP posts:
MadameOvary · 03/09/2012 23:01

Well, you know what's going to happen (this relationship with OW will eventually go TU) , so just concentrate on detaching emotionally and enjoy the fact that this twat is receding fast from from your headspace.

izzyizin · 03/09/2012 23:02

He's using a dating site to 'chat'? Maybe the ow is lacking in conversational skills.

Whatever, it doesn't bode well for the future of their relationship which may be all over bar the shouting by the time contact is resolved Wink

pictish · 03/09/2012 23:02

Yes...it's the next logical move.

pictish · 03/09/2012 23:03

That was in agreement with madamovary there

izzyizin · 03/09/2012 23:03

You want to deal with it in a more mature and constructive fashion? Voodoo dolls. Available on eBay Grin

planetpotty · 03/09/2012 23:07

Focus on the DC and what's important for themSmile
Fill your life with good friends and good times - wine helps Wink
Give yourself time to heal.
Make mistakes, we all do it (but apologise when you know you've cocked up!)
Always have things to look forward to even if they're not in the immediate future.
Rise above things they may do that annoy you - who knows it could be designed to annoy you!

I don't know if any of that is of any use - ignore if not!