Freedom Programme - Womens Aid

[Mellower]

I am unsure where to post this but as it is due a past "relationship" Ive put it here.

I have done this programme 1 on 1.

I destest the book, it brings back memories I had blocked right out. I know I have to deal with it but I have read the bookonce and answered all the questions.

Now they want me to do it again, this time in a Group.

I was going to go but I am talking myself out of it. I find whatever I do during the day comes back to bite me on the ass in the night and I dream about it, so even after being to "the Group" it will be on mymind I will possibly then spend tomorrow having nightmares about IT again when I have blocked IT from my mind.

IT = ex abusive fecker

TIA for advice on whether because I have done it once and know what it is all about I am still a bit messed up but better than I was pre-hoprrd book, but should be fine in the future or does anyone know if doing it again in a Group would help me further?

thanks.

Well done you!

Small heads up.... WRT the Freedom Prog and the biscuits... IME the easier weeks we got plainer biscuits. You want a clue as to how tough the session will be? Look at the biccies! I used to say to the leaders of our group, the day I see cream cakes, i'm off!

Make the commitment to yourself, some weeks WILL be hard, but they are the medicine you need. I'll leave it to you to identify your hardest weeks, but over the next few months, I would hope that you can share with us your experiences and issues, maintaining the confidentiality at all times of course.

I'm so glad you had no more nightmares! It was that simple for me too.

If I didn't know better, I'd say we share a mother...

It's not that your mum has massive issues with you per se, but IMVHO she's just not that into you. Your sister was the favoured golden child right, you, Mellower, the problem child.... the abusive relationship merely underlined that. WRT the comment you made about your mother and her being of the opinion you should keep your life very private. I get the sense that she means YOU should keep YOUR life very private FROM HER. She doesn't want to know or can't handle emotional stuff. I'm guessing she was neglected as a child in some way? Middle child?

Interesting how they want us to get out of the relationship, but then break land speed records, and in my case long distance records in their get away plan. My mum/sis literally left me to rot. Mum even rang HIM to say goodbye (going back under his rock to his country a matter of days before they were due to take off) but for the first time ever, never rang me after that call to him for when she went off to NZ. I knew at the time I was being isolated. I just couldn't believe it. Called to make sure I knew SHE was OK following the earthquake, but didn't bother to ask me when my whole world had been rocked by my own personal Off The Richter Scale Schism.

Sister told me they'd planned the trip for months prior to telling me a mere couple of weeks before they flew off. Mum's helped sister move, helped her with babies, i've had literally NONE of that.

Mum never rang to find out about my groups, or my new job or anything. I am persona non grata. So I blew up at her and at the whole situation the other week. Mother denies it all, tried to get me to get over the sister thing. I won't. Mum knows why now, and knows better than to push me on it. She's the last person in my family that I speak to.

A tip: Don't expect anything from your family. You will see how they do have a vested interest in your demise, your oppression and sadness. You make THEM look successful. You start making a go of your life, you are a threat to them and their image. Don't call them or update them on your journey, as you will see THEY have a lot to do with you being ON this flaming shitty rollercoaster ride... so play things close to your chest for now. Otherwise the stuff you learn could get used against you.

For me getting rid of the Ex was the Starter, the Main course is getting rid of my toxic family. I'm practically on my own now, have a lovely Boyf and my son. Boyf has mother/family issues too, so thankfully understands my position and supports my decisions.

Anyway, too early for you to get into this conversation, but we can resume it when the time is right. It won't come as such a shock to you then I hope. It utterly floored me, I can tell you. Took months even to realise just how badly I'd been let down.

Keep on keeping on love. I'm so proud of you, you will come though this with flying colours. Trust me!

Hissy! your family is my family!

it took me more than months to come to terms with what they did to me when I left abusive ex (they took him in like a long lost son/brother; I was out - he took my place in the family). It took me years to come to terms with it. I just didn't know where to put it in my head. the shock was immense.

anyway, off track (sorry OP ) You sound in a great place Yes, notihng like being with women who know exactly what it's like

priceless

Oh I wouldn't say it took months for me to come to terms with the let down, it took me months to realise that it was NOT what other people did. It was only when someone asked if my family were supportive after Ex left and I happened to mention that no, they left and went on holiday, for a month and avoided me like the plague for a few good weeks after they got back.

I STILL struggle with the magnitude of that, I STILL can't quite believe it really happened.... but of course in my family it never did happen, right? not if we don't talk about it?

I still can't fathom how on the one hand they tell me that they couldn't talk to me, return calls, texts etc from me a woman literally thousands of miles away from home, no friends, stuck in a small flat with a baby for MONTHS at a time, because of the situation I was in, and how they despaired for me while in his hands... BUT then they tell me that he loved me, that they were relaxed after seeing him there, they called to wish him well etc etc.

Just goes to show where I sit on their list. Below a wife beater. The batterer of their daughter, their sister.

Mum even told me that (following months of therapy) now I had lost the anger as far as Ex was concerned, and she was glad, cos 'For a while you were very angry with him, you know?' [wtaf face]

Where was HER anger? Why was SHE not angry that her first child was being destroyed? Why did she say I look withered when I came home for the first time following living there, but then say I have no right to anger?

It doesnt' add up. I'm being lied to, misled and I CBA to work out by whom. My instinct says they did plan the trip, mum DID say 'oh well he's been going to go for ages, so why should we hold our lives for the sake of his movements'

Note: I still didn't figure in that cutting remark either... not even important enough for that kind of comment

Christmas this year will be a scream...

It's taken me many years of therapy to finally - FINALLY - knock my sick bunch clean on the head and get them out. of. my. life.

BLISS

I'm biding my time for the last one. Better not to confront. No point, it'll only be denied and I will be made to look mad.

No, I will let the last one go when the time is right.

I made 2012 the year for friends. The year I went to see those in far flung places that were there for me in some of the tough times. I love these people to bits, I am blessed to have them in my life.

I will make more space for them, less for family and those that seek to hurt me.

Anyway, enough of my hijack... sorry Mellower... as you were!

No no, it makes interesting reading and once again good to know I am not alone.

I think my mum is middle child, well there were 4 of them but youngest pased away very young so that left her being middle child.

I too am a middle child, my younger sibling can do no wrong,he is perfect! she refers to my older brother as a "pain in the arse", he has mental problems. I wonder what she says about me??

I have made so many changes for the better in these last few months, my Dad seems to appreciate these changes more than my mum, you know he even went out and bought me a little car, a bumper/dodgem car as he calls it after I crashed my new one, he said I needed a dogem car and one day just randomly called to ask for my postcode and voila, he had bought me the bumper car. Mum said "I don't know why he even bought you that"

I have been trying to stop phoning them for advice over the past few months and noticed that if I don't call i won't hear from her at all, could be a week could be 2 weeks.

Yes I am going to stop looking for a reaction from her as it is upsetting me when I get nothing. she has always been a cagey person with no friends and I have told myself since I was small "I will not be like that"...and I am.

As you have experienced IT cut me off from everyone, no-one was good enough, everyone I met had "something" wrong with them, he would make anyone visiting the house feel un-easy, he didn't like Dc brining friends round but now it it totally different, I let mine have friends round and buy them pizza, the other has had a friend round for a sleep-over, this would all be a big no no if IT was here.

The end of this year/beginning of next year I will find friends, I have no idea where but I will find someone I have actually met a nice lady at my confidence group and she seems to seek me out each week and I anything is group work or pairs she likes to be with me, which is nice, I might get her number next week and start making a bit more effort to "go out"!

I do have one friend but she lives 5 miles away, I am going to visit her next week though, I just need to get my car tax first or would be up there this week. She is great I have not seen her for months but I know I could go there anytime and be welcome. I just need to get out of the isolated way of living.

I was dating a lot there, I guess to see if I was good enough but the one guy I liked, well we went to his house after a date and he punches doors. I asked him why, he said "women" so that's him dumped, so to speak. He seems, if not a bit moody, quite nice but that door could, one day, be my face. So I was told this week, it annoys me that I don't realise this is not normal behaviour, I thought maybe all men punched something? But have been advised that, no they don't.

Sorry that your families are like this too Hissy and Daffs. Not nice, not nice at all. I sometimes feel so alone but hey just gotta get on with it, I don't feel alone when I have my DC here. My eldest especially is fantastic company he is fab, the youngest is too but he is quite hyper and I don't see a lot of him, it's home-work, changed then out to play, then back in fed, back out, back in and bath then bed. He is very loving though and they are both so loving to each other, usually prompted by the eldest he always kisses his brother goodnight and tells him he loves him which I think is lovely.

Eldest then waits for me to go to bed and same again. I love them sooo much!

Wow I think this thread is theraputic or maybe I do need counselling every day because I am crying like a baby,which is fine because I have been wondering where the tears had gone and don't want to be a hard bitch, so to speak.

If I cry at my parents house, she will tell my dad "just leave her Bob she is in one of self pitying moods" and maybe I am but I can't help it. All I ever wanted from a very young age was to be "in a happy family unit" when I met IT I packed in my good job,which had fantatsic career prospects to move away with IT, left all my feiends behind without a glance backwards and since then I have just been trying all the time, to make things better.

Even up until we split, I had found another great job,again fantastic propects, I was looked at from a different view, people I worked with respected me and valued my work but had to give it up due to something IT was doing that if my work ever found out, i would have been sacked, so I left, to concentrate on "us".

IT was coming here all last year "too see the DC" but wouldn't instead he would sit and cry about "us" and "can we make this better" and "how much he loved me" etc etc, I don't know what happened but by December I finally took steps and had my Solicitor write to him telling him he could no longer come to the house and i wanted no further contact. He was with someone else all the time he was comng here so I had her phoning/texting with her threats that they would "put me down so low I would kill myself", and if it had not been for my DC she/they may well have succeeded.

They didn't though, and haven't. I have stopped dating altogether now, and am just concentrating on me and my DC, after that we will see what happens.

I guess i am in a self pitying mood. I have no one, no one I could call right now and even if I did I am not sure what I would say to them, I don't even know why I am crying. I do think "why me?" a lot,I wonder if I maybe did something very bad in a previous life-time or something.

I used to come here 8 years ago and he detested this site. Made me promiseI wouldn't come here, I said okay, for years but would name change, then he put the key-logger on this PC and knew everytime I name changed and he even joined the site, and we had an argument on here, I was talking about him on a thread (I was at my parents he was here at home) and on he came, I couldn't believe it was happening and neither did some people on the thread, it was just so bizarre, so wrong. God, I detest him and what he has done. bastard

Ah better to get rid of these tears whilst DC are at school and Mum is watching her recordings.

I am HORRIFIED at your mother 's treatment of you.

Distance yourself from her, and all those like her.

Can you ever see yourself treating your boys as she treats you????

Your answer will tell you everything you need to know.

She is the reason you ended up in abusive relationships, you weren't shown what proper love is.

Being alone is better than being with such vile and toxic people as we've grown up with, or been trapped by.

No more!

Yes that is very true hissy I would rather feel a little bit lonley than walking constantly on eggshells.

Tonight I am far from lonely as my eldest has his friend staying over, I thought this meant they would come in at 9pm and go upstairs but have had them here most of the day, I enjoy their company though, the are nice boys.

As for the way I am with with my boys, well, I walk over hot coals for them, always tell them I love them and how well they are doing, always ask how school is and generally let them know they are loved.

Just 2 nights ago when I was taking one of their friend home my eldest mmentioned his father and said he doesn't even miss him anymore as the house is better without him. I tried to explain, he is your Dad son, I think you may just feel like this because he hasn't called you in a while (2 months), he is evil, I just god works his way on him and not in a good way.

It is also believed he is now abusing his new g/friend, her Dc are in care, she chooses him over her DC. [disgusted]

Your boys can see the improvement already, YOU can see it too.

They are entitled to feel relief, they too have suffered. IMVHO they need to see very clearly that the actions of their father are WRONG, and they need to CHOOSE to be different. Your boys are entitled to their feelings and need to be able to talk to you and to their friends openly and honestly about them. he may be their father, but it takes more than who he is to be a dad.

Just because he is abusive doesn't mean that they will be, but it can mean that they could be

The Beverley Engels book The Cycle of Abuse deals with this, when you are ready, give it a look and see if if can help you.

You ready for tomorrow? Why not ask your leader for suggestions to help your boys. You will come on to the Children session in a couple of weeks (that is a serious chocolate biscuit session...) It's hard, seriously hard, but it must be done. We must see the truth, and we must know that we didn't do this to them, their dad did, WE were the ones that took the decision to get out. We saved our boys.

"It is also believed he is now abusing his new g/friend, her Dc are in care, she chooses him over her DC. [disgusted]"

Look at YOU. YOU chose your boys, you chose yourself over a bully. WELL DONE!

Can you also look at this as proof that it was never about YOU in the first place, that he WILL abuse anyone he comes close to.

Can you see that what is said in Why Does He Do That is true?

I have no reason to lie to you, i only wish that I could make everyone in an abusive situation open their eyes, take the deep breath they need to and make that jump to freedom.

You made it already love. You are at the start of your journey back to YOU, but you will make it.

Yes Hissy my Support Worker believes it would be better for the boys not to have any contact with him as this dipping in and out of their lives is damaging, and after a break of 2 months of them not seeing them, I can see what she means.

Today was good again, same people, getting friendlier, I find it strange to know that some are still with their husbands and their husbands know that they are attending these meeting I wonder if they are trying to frighten the husbands? I don't know, I just find it strange.

Funnily/strangely enough the final thing for me was IT wanting to speak to me alone, about nothing really relevant...my eldest DC entered the room, he was told to leave, he didn't so IT pulled down his trousers and gave him 3 hard smacks on the bottom, he was 16 stone. The same week, he hit my youngest, I asked him to stop, he said "no he's a fucking little bastard he deserves it, the next day I went to my Lawyers without him knowing, the followingmorning I went to straighten my hair, he had taken my GHDs and must have whacked them off something as they were completely snapped.... I knew I had done the right thing but had to sit tight whilst it all went to court, that was dificult, living with him, getting an interdict on him and lying to him, being false, my Lawyer phoned me the morning it was due to be served (at his work) so I moved us all out and into my parents!

He was in bits - the persuader, I will change, I will kill myself, I am nothing without you shit shit shit shit!

Yeah she is almost as bad as him, he told me, last year he had wrecked her house. I don't know what he expected me to say....

The thing with the boys is difficult, they don't feel they need help, well the eldest doesn't, I think I need to have another chat with him, I wonder if he feels he will be singled out at school or something? I am sure it would be worked around school though.

Poor boy on Friday said "Mum I feel a bit anxious, I am worried Scott will not be able to stay over" I said well if not this weekend then next, if not next weekend then the next, thankfully it all turned out fine.

He wasn't allowed to play with his other friend, I decided to go visit the parents on Friday to ask why? The answer: IT and his dealings! I told them he no longer lived here and we have no contact with him, so tonight eldest is out playing with his friend he was not allowed to play with

The youngest when starting school again asked "Mum what does nervous mean" I explained, he said "yes I am nervous about starting school today", so I took him over so he would know what line to stand in etc and he hasn't looked back.

I feel I was a single parent when It was here, yeah we had extra money but that's all!

"I wonder if they are trying to frighten the husbands?"

No, they're just trying to live free from abuse like we do. don't forget Abuse is a CHOICE. The H can decide today to stop.... If they want to.

Ime, I'd not bother with anyone who's abusive, I'd write them off, one strike, they're out. Those women have much to learn, they'll get there too, but it'll be harder for them. Show them how better life is without the Dominator. Show them the grass IS greener. You can be an example to them. An inspiration.

Yes, YOU! :)

I should have done this counselling a lot sooner I think.

I still have issues I do not understand. I don't know maybe I am just messed up big time.

Most definitely going today!!!

Ignorning wind/rain etc.....and would love PJ day but something are more important and on that note bath and dressed and then coffee and biscuits, hoping for no cream cakes.

I actually deliver this course & the women who attend in groups make massive breakthroughs with the support & encouragement of their peers.

I ama professional who is passionate about empowering vulnerable & hard to reach individuals & I chose my career after experiencing an abusive relationship in my early 20's so I really do empathise with women like you, OP.

Who wants you to re-visit FREEDOM? Why did they suggest it? Do you believe you would benefit from it (be honest with yourself)?

The most important point I'd like to make is that the course is there to empower & educate women & if you are a mother, you have a duty to your DCs to ensure you make better partner choices in all future relationships, however, if you are truly against re-taking the programme, I'm sure you won't be forced.

Only you know if you are expected to do it for child protection issues but even if there aren't, the programme (despite re-visiting painful times) works wonders.

Good luck.

Thanks, no not for child protection for me, today was a difficult day.

itsallinmyhead I am not sure you have read full thread

I've been trying to keep up with it on my phone whilst at work, sorry if I'm missing something important.

You seem to be going from strength to strength OP, be proud!

itsallinmyhead I just read that back and realise how rude I sound, I'm sorry I didn't mean it to come out rude.

This week was the week week I dreaded and the worst (for me) chapter on the book though iykwim.

but

We had Roses and WA rock, I love them, all of the ladies are fantastic, I have so much respect and love for support Worker and even Manager, they are just oh I have no words to descibe how much I like them!

Umm I heard a fab song today though, very difficult to keep a straight face when they play such fantastically funny songs.

You're not rude Mello, just very perceptive. I should have read the whole thread before offering my support but it's not easy on this phone.

I just wanted to offer my support & encouragement & to say you are a strong, amazing woman & you should be proud of yourself!

Thank you so much, I am looking forward to next week, we are doing the liar. IT was a compulsive liar so much so that IT started believing ITS own lies.

How many grans he said died to employers, and child fallen downstairs and in hospital, I mean sick sick lies, I mean you could phone employer and tell little lie such as "I feel very sick today"??

Thankfuly, he has not been in touch and I have had no lawyers letters, so although it is a bit baffling as I don't know if he has just given up and knows I have lots of evidence of abuse and eldest is prepared tostand in court and tell them his dad watched porn in front him "everytime I left the house" or it may be that they have had a baby, and because they are both on drugs baby may have to be hospital for while, oh so bloody sad but not my problem anymore.

I just cannot belive IT has not phoned eldest for maybe 6 weeks now.

Eldest son (12) told me that on last supervised visit he was asking youngest (8) about me and who comes here, 12 yr old has hit purberty quickly and is very moody just now but he told me when his Dad asked this, he said to his Dad "I remember when we had white PC and you punched Mum and she was crying" OMG I had forgotten or blocked that out but poor Ds must have only been 2 or 3, was also good to hear almost ex MIL asked to leave if was going to continue questionning boys.

12 yr old hasn't said much about IT not phoning but he did say on Sunday "Mum I don't think even Dad likes you anymore" I answered "I think you may be correct son"

What I didn't say on here was I contemplated taking IT back....all last year, but as I say I realised I could never live with him again. Never ever ever.

He tried in June/July to get my blackberry messenger number, so I said son could give him it, he had it before and I ignored his invite and all furture invites, he was very annoyed and kept asking son "you sure you have gave me correct number as I cannot add her" "son said yes then, oh she has ignored all future invites", so then he phoned a phone I have for DS2 and shouted lots of abuse at me and then the girlfriend too so that is that phone off now too. G/friend actually contacted me about 6 weeks ago (when phone was on) when IT was not there, she wanted to speak to me... I said "erm okay", so she phoned and asked about one night he stayed here in December (when was contemplating taking him back) can you belive It told her I locked him in the house and locked all the windows and she believed him and he stayed over as boys pleaded with him and he slept on couch too not

She pleaded with me to say we were discussing boys "if she got caught talking to me" she did get caught, I went along with her (I must be mad) she was saying "we are talking about boys aren't we mello" I said "yes what else would we be talking about" then the phone was hung up, by IT. She is now me 16 years ago. I hope she is cleverer than me but I fear she is just as bad tbh!

Just having IT here that one night made me realise nope I cannot have IT here, any longer, it was horrid, he kept taking me into kitchen to discuss things, we don't live like that anymore, we speak freely, we eat when we wan and what we want, there is no LOUD SHOUTING we go to bed when we want, I don't get stalked anymore, I mean how could I go back to that???

Tbh I like things so much with just me and boys I am unsure I have any room for any man anymore. Eldest seems to have taken on dad role and said last night "is it not about time we got to bed mum" Ah yes indeed son even though I also have insomnia and can only sleep 4 hours maximum I just read a book, I love the closeness we have, I love the "I love you" every night and the hugs and kisses, so I don't mind going to bed at 9/10pm just now, I know I need to sort it eventually but just now, it's fine.

Oh yes, liar indeed.

I have PMed Hissy she has been fab, I kinda lost it with my Mum and evrythiing came tumbling out, she does blame me for staying with It and she is sick of hearing about it all, I told she lacked empathy and aI ask for is a little call to ask how I got on, is that too much? then it got bad....but guess who called today after the Group... ? Mum! So we are on speaking terms and she being very nice, which is bit strange.

One thing I didn't like hearing today was that some say it take the amount of years you were married to get over the marriage, that's 16 years....I am determined to be over this before then. I have wasted 16 years (except having lovely DC) I cannot waste another 16, I will be very old.

I haven't yet bought the books Hissy but am going to write them down now and see if Amazon have them cheap, 2nd hand etc! Little bit broke with car tax and school trips and library book day and never ending bills, I must cancel Sky, not a necessity!!

Sorry huge big stories, possibly impossible to read on a phone.

Thanks again.