How to deal with mentally ill MIL...

[facejacker]

Ok, so bit of background:
MIL is bipolar, and her condition has gotten increasingly more severe over the years . She is on numerous medication, and was also diagnosed with borderline schizophrenia last year. Her condition varies, though is reasonably well controlled in that she doesn't pose a threat to herself or others. She goes through periods where she is either completely 'normal' or very depressed. I can usually tell when she is the former cos we have no contact with her for weeks-I will call and leave her numerous messages (which she won't answer) or I will call round (she won't open). FIL looks after her, though they have had marriage troubles for years. DH has buried his head his head in the sand and refuses to accept there is a problem. I have to nag him to call his mum, which he reluctantly does, but I have given up doing this as I don't want to interfere in their relationship.

My concern is that as I work part-time, MIL comes round every week for a few hours to be with DC (18 months). She always does it at the same time (when I am not home), even when she's going through a depressive stage. The nanny is at home with DC, but the last few weeks she has had to leave early meaning DC has been left alone with MIL. Both times he has fallen and sustained an injury after she (the nanny) has left-not huge, but enough to bruise substantially. I casually asked her about them when I got home, but she said she couldn't remember how he got them. I realise being a boisterous boy, it could happen with anyone but I am starting to feel worried him about leaving him with her now. BAsically I want to ask MIL to come round (or we can go round) when I am at home, but she refuses to do that. She has been distancing herself from DH and I for a while now, and I genuinely don't know why. At the same time, I don't want to limit her seeing DS, or vice-versa cos DS ADORES her. He loves seeing her, and I don't feel it's fair or right for me to do this. But how can I voice my concerns without it seeming like I am accusing her of harming DS?

TIA

Why did the nanny leave early? What would she have done if mil isn't there?

Tricky, and I do sympathise. Is she on medication? Does she take it regularly? It seems to be that your only real option is to talk to FIL, if you want to confront this - which I think you do. Would you or your DH feel able to do that?

Oh the nanny has left early for the past 2 weeks as she has to go to college. SHe leaves at 4pm. I get home at 5.30pm. It's a recent change in the routine.

Prior, nanny would wait till I got home then leave. MIL would come and go, but DS would be fine when I got home.

Just the 2 weeks which have coincided with nanny leaving early and MIL being left with DS for 1.5 hours have the accidents happened.

Sorry didn't make it clear.

is this suitable for AIBU? Have it moved to relationships or mental illness.

Just because she is mentally ill doesn't mean she is harming your ds.

You are accusing her of harming him. Which is flipping bloody serious in anyone's book.

You don't have to say anything to her at all just make sure your son's nanny doesn't leave early again.

My ds was covered in bruises at 18 months.

leo, yes she is. I can't imagine she'd EVER willfully neglect DS, but I don't know whether her mind wanders, whilst he is climbing tables (!) etc that he falls.

If she is on regular medication and is taking it then its very unlikely that your son will come to any harm when she is with him.

Can I ask how you know for sure that the bruises happened specifically when your MiL was watching him for the 1.5 hours at the end of the day and not in the majority of the day while he was with the nanny?

No one can tell you not to worry, but I manage to look after two small children alongside my bi-polar, so I wouldn't automatically assume it was under her care.

If it really does bother you, then you need to look for alternative care.

Oh, I'm definitely not saying she's harming him. I think the issue is more your own unease, and I know from family experience how difficult it can be. If you know her mental wellness is erratic when she is with your DS, of course you will be worried. Could she visit with FIL, whom you say looks after her?

If she couldn't remember how he got the bruises, it could always be because it happened when the nanny was there.

and just because she is mentally ill it dosnt mean she is not harming him.

I think you need to find alternative childcare for your son while your nanny goes to college. I find it very odd indeed that you would let someone with such severe and worsening mental health problems have sole care of such a young child. I do NOT think your MIL would harm your child just because of her illness but I think you are asking too much of her.

Did you know the nanny was leaving early?

I would speak to the nanny and let her know from now on she is not allowed to leave the DCs in your MIL's care - what would have happened if MIL hadn't been there would you have left work early?

I would be more concerned about the nanny leaving an 18-month-old by himself for one and half hours until you get home than MIL.

This is a very delicate one.

My mum suffers with a similar condition to your MIL. Although she doesn't withdraw.

My mum used to look after my DD until there was an accident. Now I do not feel my DD is safe in her care. Not because she will harm her on purpose, but because of the medication her concentration and reactions are not what they used to be.

Yes accidents will happen, yet if there is something not right or you do not feel happy about the situation then you must protect your DC.

Telling my mum she could no longer look after DD on her own is probabley one of the hardest and shiteist things I have ever had to do. I know it breaks her heart, and it breaks mine too. I can't trust my own bloody mother

My DD is a similar age (12 months). You have to trust the person you leave caring for your child.

It turned out my mum had stopped taking her medication (AD) months ago. Just stopped cold turkey despite docs telling her she must stay on them for the rest of her life. She ended up being sectioned.

I think if you get your DH on side, and don't accuse her of deliberately hurting your DC then you might be able to come to an amicable agreement.

Still confused op, if the nanny leaves at 4 for college and you don't get home until 5.30 who is supposed to be looking after ds? Unless it was arranged for mil to have him?

If you have a problem with this then ensure that your nanny stops leaving early and takes your son out at this time so you can say to your MIL that it is no longer a suitable time. The problem seems to be leaving him on his own with your MIL so make sure that doesn't happen.

my new passion, who said the nanny left DS alone? She left him with MIL.

MIL has in the past looked after DS alone for 30 mins-1 hr (when he was a small baby and I had say, a GP's appointment) and there were no problems whatsoever. But I haven't left her alone with him in the past 4-5 months (coincidentally, not because of a particular reason). When the nanny asked if she could start college, I didn't mind her leaving DS with MIL till I got home. But on the 2 occasions she has done this is when the accidents have happened. Let's be clear, I KNOW toddlers will get bumps and bruises. That is NOT what worries me, it is that she can't REMEMBER how he got them.

SUperSlattern, thanks so much, so much of what you say rings true.

Keema, the nanny has been with us for 18 months. She tells me whenever DS has had an accident when I've been at work. She knows I'm not overprotective and won't be overly worried if DS has bumps/falls/scratches as they happen with me too. She has told me he was fine when she left and I trust and believe her-I have no reason not to.

Tell Nanny not to leave DS with MIL.

Your son is essentially alone since MIL is unreliable and incapable of looking after him because of her ill health at the moment.

Simple solution: find child care coverage for when Nanny is not there and have MIL visit when either you, DH, or the Nanny is there to supervise.

Quietlysuggests, if you've read my posts, you will see that DS has only been left with MIL on TWO occasions in the past 5 months. Both times he's been injured. My problem is NOT childcare, it's the fact I am worried about leaving him alone with her. The nanny will stay if I ask her to-there's only been a recent change in routine as her college times changed, and I agreed as MIL was going to be there.

MIL ONLY comes for 2 hours per week to see DS, and ALWAYS when I'm at work. She never wants to see DS when I am at home.

I've asked to have this thread moved to relationships.

Just tell the nanny to stay until you get home every day. Not to go off early and leave your child with anyone else.
You don't have to involve your MIL in the discussion at all surely!

Don't leave her anymore in sole charge of your child. Set it up so that somehow this cannot occur.

Don't have any doubts about it.

Why doesn't she want to see your son when you are there? That is very very odd and I would refuse to let her do so. Do you get on with her? You should have never left him in her care if she cannot remember how he bumped himself. Never. Arrange different Childcare or even think of a nursery if you are unhappy with the way she comes round.

It is not on and very odd how she wants to are your child without you all the time - sounds like she may have a hidden agenda.