Emotional mess

[brighthair]

It's probably not that big in the scheme of things. I don't want to name change so going to keep it vague. I need to tell someone I have feelings for them but I'm beginning to think I need counselling or something
My family doesn't hug or kiss or say I love you, and so neither do I. I don't know what's appropriate for want of a better word. If someone tries to hug me I just freeze
Now I need to tell this person how I feel and the thought of doing it is making me feel sick because I'm so scared of being rejected. I've not had a man that wants to be seen with me for years and years and I'm scared this one will feel the same way, that I'm not pretty enough to be seen with
I can't even hug my friends, how am I meant to tell someone how I feel about them?! And it's not helping all I want today is a hug and nobody does it

My niece was talking today about her mum (my SIL) and how she rates emotional support. Wise niece rates her mum a 2/10 for giving support praise hugs etc, and 10/10 for needing reassurance hugs support etc herself. The job SIL does is very demanding and we reckon she comes home spent with nothing left for others.
You sound as though you are used to operating as a 2 for giving and receiving, but through fear. What is the worst that would happen if you give an awkward hug and are brushed off? Hurt feelings? embarrassment?
And if you said "I like you and would love to spend more time with you" to someone what do you think would be the best or worst outcomes?

You sound almost frozen over this. anyway

Yeah that's interesting about te job as mine needs me to be very hard hearted and emotionally detached - but I was like this before the job
You're right I feel frozen. If someone cries I just kinda stand there wanting to comfort them and not knowing how to. I'm like my mum, I give people things rather than physical stuff?
I've know this person and had something with this person for a long long time, and now I have an opportunity. But I have no idea how they feel

But that is great! How exciting for you!!

Maybe you could do it by letter, or email, and explain how hard you find it to talk about things face to face. You could add a disclaimer that if the person doesnt want to take it further they just pretend you never wrote to them and go on as you are already.

I have form for this BTW. When I was a terrified convent girl of 16 I had a Valentine's Card from the hottest boy I knew. I was so scared I just pretended he never sent it. Poor bloke! And once I dumped a boyfriend by hiding from him and turning all the lights out. I shudder over my 18 year old self now.

I've just convinced myself he won't want to be seen with me, and I'm better staying as I am with half that person rather than losing them totally

Oh brighthair you are painting yourself into a corner with negative thoughts. Have you considered CBT to challenge some of the patterns of thinking? It would help you a lot I think.
Life is too short to miss out on a possible romance just through fear. What if he is feeling exactly the same and is too scared to approach you?

Get some counselling.

I've had CBT :/ for panic attacks which I have 99% resolved. I am so strong and independent all the time. But men don't want to be seen with me

The weird thing is that I can't say "I love you" either and yet with this person I have to fight not to say it

Just to reiterate what others have said I think you would find CBT helpful to focus on your fear of rejection, to explore where these feelings have come from (past experiences, relationships with parents growing up etc) and what's maintaining them.

I do understand how you feel; I'm a bit like that too- cant bear hugging kissing, etc, find it all embarrassing somehow.

Why do you feel you " need" to say something now? What's the rush?

Because if I don't say something now (or if not now pretty soon) then it might be too late to say it. Sorry I know I'm being vague
I can't afford private CBT or counselling, an I doubt I will get it on the nhs. 18 month wait list here for cbt

Is there any way you can hint rather than offer a full blown declaration?

brighthair - this video helped me:

Very useful and explains much.

Someone I've been seeing for a long time. I don't wanna say it because people will go mental and I can't cope with that right now. Known them 15 years. Seeing for 12, OW for 5. Now not OW as person is single

Thank you will watch video

Sorry should say I am single, no children involved and person not married

So, do you have to tell them how you feel; don't they know anyway? Do you know how they feel?

I don't know. Don't think they know at all. They've become more loving more affectionate and more intimate with me over the past few months.
Never lies to me or hurts me but 12 years is a long time and I have fallen gradually

But...you obviously have some kind of intimate relationship already? Is it that it is secret, and you want it to be public? Are you able to articulate that to him?

It's been secret because of me being effectively the OW. Now we are both single and yeah I want to tell him my feelings. My friends say I am mental, tell him, he loves the bones of me etc etc

Well, it sounds like you have known him long enough.....it is a risk, but one worth taking, it feels like you are ready for the what now conversation. Could you ask him what now?